I've fallen into a vicious cycle; binging and purging during the day, then drinking a lot at night - and because I keep nothing down, I get so much drunker so much faster.
I was reading an article in the Times earlier today, and it was talkign about drunkorexia; saying that there is often a link between eating disorders and addictive personalities, and that it was most common between bulimia and alcoholism. I'm not an alcoholic. Or, I don't think I've got an issue. I drink in large quantities, and regularly, but I don't need a drink.
But I do, and that worries me :|
I just ... don't like being sociable without a drink. I feel awkward, rigid, dull. When I have a drink, I'm more relaxed, easier going.
And I hate how much bulimia is affecting me. Three months, at least, and I haven't gone a day without binge-purging at least twice. And that ... worries me. And I hate myself, I hate the fact that my scales are at university and I can't weigh myself. I take every opportunity I can; when I go to my friends house, I'll go to the toilet to get on the scales. I'll hop on the weighing machines every time I go past them in town. And the stupid thing is that I'm not even losing weight, yet I'm still obsessing over it.
And - I'm going away next week with my friends. I'm so worried; they don't know what's going on with me, and I have no idea how I'm going to respond - whether I'm just going to drink, whether I'm just going to binge, whether I'm just going to binge and purge ...
I'm scared, I'm really scared about it.
And I'm worried that the Times is true, also. That it's more socially acceptable to have a drunk thin person than a sober fat person. At the moment, I'm just a drunk fat person, and my two best friends are so slim - espcailly one who's lost a lot of weight recently. She's stunning, and I'm just the fat friend now.
And I hate it.
Sorry about this, I just don't know what to do, and could do with some support?
I don't have any advice either, I'm sorry sweetheart; but I wanted to let you know that I can relate.
Take care of yourself and I always have an ear (or an eye as the case may be) to listen if you need anything.
i understand how you feel, i can relate to some of what you are saying.
Please try not to worry about going away, try and make yourself a plan of what you are going to do. How about, eating 3 meals and then allowing yourself to have a drink. Or 6 small meals? Drinking on an empty stomach isnt good, purging is really dangerous too but im sure you know that.
I'm really sorry my advice isnt very good.
Just thought i'd let you know i read.
lots of love x