A few times I read comments on RYL about persons saying they were told they were wasting the time of the clinicians/ ambulance/ ER etc.
Today my therapist was saying how they are a public clinic so by coming less would allow for other people to attend. In general it was too much, and I felt very pushed away. I was really worried about money, so that is why the conversation came up in the first place. But in general I was reflecting on how flaky I was finding the service overall. (The receptionist told someone in the waiting room that his therapist had "just woken up" and would phone in his prescription). My care team was always apologizing for dropping the ball....
To be fair I did ask the therapist to alert me when I go off topic. I am trying to listen and take guidance from the therapist, but when I think that I am high functioning I do come across like I don't need therapy. But then I am not depressed when I think that I am a waste of space? I do feel really vulnerable and I do feel really overwhelmed and not trusting of being able to say what really goes through my mind.
Like the disapproval today just felt like judgment.
I am struggling with so many things. I like having things in place to avoid unnecessary voids in my support network, yet I am learning that this is not even something I can control. I am getting a few intrusive thoughts that I don't know how to process.
I spent most of the session looking at the clock because I didn't want to get too comfortable. Maybe I should just stop coming to therapy so that people who need therapy can get the space.