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Old 22-09-2014, 12:05 PM   #1
Snow White.
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Contains sexual abuse - Wanting revenge (update: posted on Facebook)

I want so badly to be able to press charges against the person who raped me, but when I tried the police told me that the matter of if he believed I had given consent was "unclear" and therefore it would be unlikely he would be charged.

And then of course I know it's not an easy ride and it involves court and being cross-examined and such which is extremely unpleasant in itself.

But I guess I just want revenge.
I want people to know who this guy really is.
I want him to know how much he hurt me.
He probably never still thinks about this, and I've just spent half an hour reading an amendment to the Sexual Offences Bill to see if it has changed enough for me to be able to prosecute. Unfortunately with phrases like "reasonable belief of consent" I expect this is what he would argue.

It feels like I haven't got very far at all in processing this.


Last edited by Snow White. : 24-09-2014 at 02:19 AM.
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Old 22-09-2014, 03:13 PM   #2
forever-consumed
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wow, you must be so strong! I know exactly how your feeling, except when i reported it, i was visited by the RIT (rape investigation team) and he said id have to stand up in court etc.. I didn't have the courage. I think that if you feel you know what you want is right, do it. No matter what the odds are- it might give you closure? You sound like you really want revenge (don't we all) and i think you would greatly benefit from prosecuting him stay strong!!! Big hugs! Hope iv helped. Or even made sense for that matter! :*xo

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Old 22-09-2014, 03:56 PM   #3
Snow White.
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Thank you that does make sense and is helpful. I think at the end of the day the ordeal may not be worth it.

I did do something I had been contemplating and that is I made a Facebook post saying I had been raped and I want my experience to help others. It was my way of getting some empowerment and support and acknowledgement I guess about what happened.

So far it's going well with a lot of support. I used the word 'rape' but didn't really consider what impact this would have on me as my brother called me and we had never really conceptualized it as rape in our conversation (it was his friend). Then I started to doubt if it really was rape. ..... Not this again!

Still I feel I'm getting control back.

My brother said he really wants revenge. So we feel the same. He said the post was good and he hopes his friends see it! (I didn't name the guy but many will know)

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Old 22-09-2014, 08:43 PM   #4
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Hugs know how you feel it's hard to prove in a court I wanted justice I wanted B dad to get found guilty and I wanted the date rape in nov form them to men to be put away but thus decided it wasn't enough evidence x






i won't ever give up on you xx

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Old 23-09-2014, 05:11 AM   #5
Snow White.
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Maybe it wasn't rape and I'm just making this all up - this is the thought going over and over in my mind. Rape is such a strong word does it really describe what happened to me? ?

I'm so confused again and I hate how this is making my brother feel, it was his friend

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Old 23-09-2014, 10:44 AM   #6
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I have began to feel like that too...

But you got to remember this "you didn't want to have sex with that person"

So therefore it is not consented and it is "rape"

I can't bring myself to say that I was "raped" I use the word "hurt"

Are you seeing anyone about what happened
To you ?

Hugs x






i won't ever give up on you xx

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Old 23-09-2014, 11:25 AM   #7
Snow White.
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Thank you x
Yes sometimes I used the word 'assault' instead.
You're right. When these thoughts come up I try to ask myself "did you want to have sex with him? No. It wasn't consensual".

Thanks so much for your replies. Yes I'm seeing a counsellor, seeing her Thursday so not too far away

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Old 23-09-2014, 02:07 PM   #8
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I hope your psychologist appointment helps- I agree that if you did not want it it wasn't consensual. I've been in positions where I didn't feel comfortable with touch and so on but couldn't voice a "no"- I've been lucky not to have had it taken that far- I find I kind of retreat into myself and find it very hard to say outright no. Lucky guys have stopped for me- is that kind of like what happened with you?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

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Old 23-09-2014, 02:30 PM   #9
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Kind of yes. He asked me if I wanted to stay and I said no I have to go and then he groped me and exposed himself and I froze and just went along with it from there. At the time I just didn't know what to do I felt so ubsafe in his house he was grabbing my bum from the minute I walked in so I kept walking away from him and not showing interest. Although I think I was kissing him before he exposed himself. Were my arms around him? I don't know now. What if I've made a terrible mistake and this man is innocent.

(He previously had sex with me when I was very drunk and had told him I was a lesbian moments before and he touched me inappropriately and put his fingers inside me on a dance floor in 2008 without me saying yes. He's got another girl drunk and had sex with her too so I'm not sure he's completely innocent).

My head is a mess about this now :(

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Old 23-09-2014, 03:52 PM   #10
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Ask yourself this: If it was a consensual experience, would your head be in the massive mess it is in now? However you frame it, regardless of whether you were kissing or knew each other, you did not want it to happen. His exposing himself is in itself wrong. It is not a sign that sex may happen, something you have to say no to. It is illegal and shocks victims into silence and apparent lack of choice. You are not in the wrong.

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Old 24-09-2014, 02:18 AM   #11
Snow White.
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Thank you that was *immensely* helpful, I appreciate you taking the time to write that to me. It's so so true. Him exposing himself was really really wrong. I felt so shocked and horrible when it happened. He tried to get inside me actually as we were standing and that really shocked me. :(
I had forgotten that but you're right. That's not right.

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Old 24-09-2014, 09:24 PM   #12
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He was in the wrong. You weren't.

But they have a funny way of making sure you start doubting yourself. When you find yourself doing that remember you gave NO consent. No means NO.

I can understand that you want revenge, I think that is completely natural reaction to have.

Just make sure you go the right way about doing it. So that you don't end up in any trouble yourself. As he really isn't worth it.

Leaving you lots of loveeee <3



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 25-09-2014, 01:30 PM   #13
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i hope your okay, how are things? How are you feeling about it all now,xo *hugs*



'sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will rip my skin apart.' <3

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Old 26-09-2014, 07:35 AM   #14
Snow White.
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Thank you both so much x

I saw my counsellor today. I told her about what he did to me on the dance floor and she said she had never heard of anything like it in all her years in the job and it was very brazen and wrong. I had to ask her if it was wrong because I wasn't very clear about what she was saying.

In fact she was a bit off today and when I expressed guilt over my brother's reaction she seemed angry with me. At the end of the session she actually apologised and said her head wasn't in the right place during the session and it didn't go well. It was awkward but I'm guess I'm glad she explained it so I know it's not personal.

I don't really feel I got much out of the session, I think because I was fighting against her emotional reaction. Which is a shame because I really wanted to process things with her.

I've emailed her to ask her if she is still happy to see me so I'll probably have to wait until Monday to hear back. I just need the reassurance that it isn't personal.


Last edited by Snow White. : 26-09-2014 at 10:18 AM.
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Old 26-09-2014, 03:17 PM   #15
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I'm still feeling unsettled by the counseling session and worried she'll think my email is a guilt trip. I know my post is long but any replies, even hugs would be appreciated x

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Old 05-10-2014, 08:05 AM   #16
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I would also be unsettled. I hope you hear from her soon.

Given that he's violated your boundaries before as well as someone else's, I would say he's done this before and he's going to escalate (like, I don't mean with you) but he will be caught sometime. He knows what he is doing. And he knows it is wrong.

I am so sorry.



Men come and go, but dust accumulates.

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Old 06-10-2014, 06:50 AM   #17
Snow White.
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Thank you Ama. That means a great deal to me.

She replied and said things were okay, I'm seeing her this Thursday so that will be good.

I'm not coping very well with this again. It's like it just comes back to hit me every so often, which I know I've said before. I'm losing sleep and missing work days. And just being sad.

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Old 06-10-2014, 04:36 PM   #18
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Not many words but thinking of you lovely.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

[''There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'You don't always move the way you'd like to, but don't let the ground drag you around
And these old wings, they've been a long time, been a long time coming, these old wings.'


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Old 06-10-2014, 04:45 PM   #19
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I'm glad the email went down okay. Good luck for Thursday!

Aimee it's natural to still be effected by it. Little things in life are going to trigger off thoughts around it. Not that that makes it any easier I know. But you have these feelings for a very legit reason and that is okay.

Do you want to talk about whats keeping you awake at night and making you miss work day?

We are here if you wish to discuss things.

Take care my lovely <3



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 09-10-2014, 01:59 PM   #20
Snow White.
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I'm sorry I missed your replies :( Thank you Katy and Ames x

I just wanted to update as I had my session with the counsellor today and it went well. We didn't have to mention what happened in our last session and everything was normal, she was very supportive.

We talked about a lot of helpful things like how it's going to still affect me and we worked through what triggered it off, it was a lot of little things and some comments by people. She said he still has control over me and it's true, my life is suffering and I'm awake late reading about sexual assault and consent and looking for things to tell me it wasn't my fault and it actually was wrong. I went to a pub where he goes and I was so uncomfortable, scanning every face I saw to make sure it wasn't him.

So we talked about ways to get me feeling a bit better, mostly self care and reaching out to people who I knowhow they will react.

I forget so much of the good stuff she says. I should bring a note book. I was going to but ironically I forgot.

I made an appointment for a week from now, two weeks was probably too long.

Thanks for being here xxxx

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