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Old 09-07-2014, 03:22 AM   #1
LotusandDice
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
 
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Contains alcohol - I think it's time for me to stop drinking, at least for a while. But I need help to do it.

I've been drinking every day for about three years now, too often quite heavily. I've kept my job, usually come in at the right time and all that ****.

Fast forward to tonight:

I'm utterly exhausted now; so to make it short, I had some drinks at home with a friend before we went out to town. I got drunker than I should have alot quicker than what is normal for me (considering the amount I had), and when I got home I tried to get some sleep. I felt so bad, I could not sleep, my body felt so dead and (forgive me for a bit of disgusting info here:) I realised I had to go make myself puke to feel better. What came out looked like blood, mixed with pizza. It might have been parts of the pizza I ate out that looked so red, (that pizza is all I ate today), but there was not that much sauce on that ****ing pizza. (End of disgusting details).

I don't know where to go from here; I'm chugging cold water and feel alot better now. But my body has never felt so dead as it did tonight. I've never felt like this before... I just feel dead and exhausted. Not even when I was abusing sleeping pills by the numbers combined with alcohol, about a year ago, have I felt so physically dead. I hope, I really hope, that tomorrow I will not look back at this as just some minor moment of weakness and keep on drinking. I want to at least take a break; maybe a long break, from drinking. But I cannot do it alone. And I don't know how to do it. Of course it is easy; simply don't drink. But, it isn't that easy after all.



Abandon hope, ye pitiful ones. Embrace defiance and relent another day.

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Old 09-07-2014, 07:17 AM   #2
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I'm really proud of you for making this post. It sounds like you've had an awful experience and your body is probably craving for a break from the alcohol. You're right about it not being easy but we are by your side. It's it possible for you to speak to a doctor about this? I don't know the extent of how much you have been drinking daily I'm just wondering if withdrawal is something to consider and plan for, and work with a doctor for as well.

We've got your back here. You don't need to keep living like this. Keep up those steps forward x

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Old 09-07-2014, 03:47 PM   #3
LotusandDice
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Thanks for that.. Yeah, I think my body really needs a break from drinking for a while now.

I don't think I'll speak with a doctor about this, not unless I get some bad withdrawal symptoms at least. I took about a week break some time after christmas and it wasn't so bad then. Little bit of the shakes and a bit of anxiety for a few days, but it passed.

How much I've had varied from day to day; it could be just a couple of glasses to many glasses of usually whiskey or vodka.

I'm not sure of how long a break I'm aiming for this time, but hey, so far day one is going fine. So cheers, let's not drink to that!

Thanks for your support, it means alot.



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Old 09-07-2014, 09:02 PM   #4
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All I'll say is I found one thing worked for me but I know it hasn't worked for other people and it's so individual. You need to find what works for you. Good luck with it and well done on your day free so far.

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Old 09-07-2014, 11:35 PM   #5
LotusandDice
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It is individual, we hall have to figure out what works for us. So far, I'm trying to distract myself with some films, got some books I'm gonna read. And smoking cigarettes.

I've also been thinking about starting to draw again and I've bought some equipment for it. Haven't got around to it yet, as today I have been quite exhausted. Tomorrow I will also pick up my bass and start practicing on that (been a long time since I've played sober now). So I've got some stuff to distract myself with.

Meeting some friends tomorrow also in a park, and of course they're planning to be having a few beers (great). I'm considering driving there, so that I can't drink.

Almost through day one now, but right now I reeally want a ****ing beer.



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Old 10-07-2014, 04:50 AM   #6
LotusandDice
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I ****ed tonight up completely, I couldn't stay away from my drinks after all.

I have such a chaotic vortex of thought in my mind that I cannot control, which give me no rest. Diazepam helps me more than anything, but I have just half of one tablet left. I ****ed up and turned to the spirits to calm my mind. I am not feeling all that bad, but the anxiety is creeping up on me.

I want to take my last half of the diazepam, but I think I will save it until I get more of it. It is such a safety simply knowing that I have it.

God, I want to stay away from the drink for a while. I'm sorry I ****ed you all over who tried to help me. Summer is party season, I don't want to quit completely, I just do need a break. Apparently I could not do that tonight.



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Old 10-07-2014, 11:39 AM   #7
LotusandDice
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No ****ing relapses today.

Today I'm gonna stay sober.

I'm out of diazepam. **** me.



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Old 10-07-2014, 01:23 PM   #8
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You didn't **** anyone over. I'm sorry you ended up drinking. The situation with your friends sounds hard. I know what it's like to want to do stuff, but then all your friends are drinking, so you either go and be around drinking or you end up not going and seeing your friends.

Your ideas about guitar and drawing sound really good but make sure you don't over challenge yourself. I think the first few days are the worst.

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Old 10-07-2014, 02:22 PM   #9
LotusandDice
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Thanks.. I suppose the one I ****ed over the most was myself. I will be ok with my friends today I think; not all of them will be drinking. I was tempted to take a friend up on the offer of picking me up when he asked, but I decided to drive there myself, since then I can't drink. Just sit and watch in envy at those of my friends who do, hah. I will try to have a good time, I think it will be nice to see them.

Yeah, I'm taking it easy on playing and drawing right now, or at least trying to. You're right, the first days are definately the hardest. I'm getting into a well-respected music school in the end of August though, and I do want to polish up my playing before I get there, so I'm kind of stressed about that. I don't even know how the hell I got in, I haven't played bass for that long, but I guess they must have liked what they heard. I'm kind of nervous like **** about that though.

Also no alcohol allowed in school, so I need to sober up before I get there. Last thing I want is dealing with withdrawals the first weeks of school.

And thanks for your continued support. I appreciate that alot.



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Old 11-07-2014, 06:59 PM   #10
LotusandDice
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I finally got my head out of my ass and managed to stay sober for a day. My hands have started getting a little bit shaky, but for now it's not so bad.

I'm staying in watching Hemlock Grove tonight and said no to going out for drinks with some friends and I have no booze in the house. So I guess this is (soon) officially my first sober day.



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Old 13-07-2014, 01:31 AM   #11
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Well done on getting a day up without drinking :) You've been making some really good decisions to help stop you from drinking which is SO positive, so well done. Every bit counts.

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Old 13-07-2014, 05:11 AM   #12
LotusandDice
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Thanks, but... My best friend and bandmate's grandmother passed away last night. He wanted me to come along with him to town, and how could I refuse. He needed a friend. I could have done it and been sober; tough I dont't regret it - we bonded deeper and I met a new couple of really nice people.

The only thing I regret is that I drank; but then again, the evening would have been alot different than if I hadn't.

I have to start all again tomorrow - I seem to have chosen a bad time for sobriety. Reset button. If I did it for two days now, I can do it for four.

Thanks for caring - it helps. Also, your comment made me pour most of my last beer down the drain.



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Old 13-07-2014, 08:55 AM   #13
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I'm really proud of you for pouring it down the drain. Well done. It sounds like a really tough time but you're right, if you've gone for two you can certainly get to four. You're doing a really really good job.

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Old 13-07-2014, 12:53 PM   #14
LotusandDice
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Thanks for believing in me. I don't always do that myself.

God, I feel like **** today.



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