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Old 23-01-2013, 04:16 PM   #1
Tessar
 
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It's painful for me to admit I've been emotionally abused

I'm reaching a point with my counsellor now that it's time for me to come out & say the words "I was emotionally abused". I feel like I'm always downplaying what happened; making it out that "it was nothing" or finding myself thinking "it didnt really matter that much, did it?". It feels like I need "someone's permission" to believe it was for real & that it WAS abuse. I suppose that's still the voice of my abuser or my family, how they used to make out like it was nothing. He sits there on my shoulder, my left shoulder to be precise. I can feel him. He's there.

After decades it's like I'm getting closer to resolving my issues but there's just so much work involved. I endured 3 years of therapy several years ago, now I realise that emotionally this hardly scratched the surface. It's only since my abuser died that the emotions & reality of it all have surfaced. It isnt pleasant. He made me feel so horrible. He still makes me feel horrible. Even though I know he cant touch me now I havent been able to find the words to describe (even to my counsellor) what it feels like, how deep it goes.

Does anyone else find that? That words just dont do your feelings justice? What words can describe the pain inside?

Also, does anyone else stuggle with "making the admission" to yourself that you WERE abused, that is WAS abuse you were subjected to?

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Old 23-01-2013, 05:38 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Tessar View Post
It feels like I need "someone's permission" to believe it was for real & that it WAS abuse...Does anyone else find that? That words just dont do your feelings justice? What words can describe the pain inside? Also, does anyone else stuggle with "making the admission" to yourself that you WERE abused, that is WAS abuse you were subjected to?
I completely understand, and I know I've struggled in the past with accepting things as "wrong" and needing someone else to say that it's okay to think that. I don't think words can ever truly explain the pain, but they can go a long way and definitely help ease the feelings xxx



You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers the monsters, the enemies. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?


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Old 25-01-2013, 12:34 AM   #3
blanket.
 
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Heya, I completely empathise. With the words not describing it - I don't know about for you, but for me sometimes it is just such an indescribable thing. Like someone will say something that reminds me and it makes my throat close up... even though it's a different context, I can't describe how it makes me feel. Vulnerable all over again I guess.
And yes, I really empathise on accepting 'abuse' as well. I guess it's all so tied up into it - part of the emotional aspect of it means it's so difficult to believe certain things in yourself, and the fact that it was 'wrong' is one of them. The important thing is gaining reassurance from others that you can trust, and focusing on overcoming the impact the behaviour has had on you, until eventually you'll be able to give that reassurance to yourself.
All the best x



The shores I seek,
Are crimson tastes divine,
Can't make myself heard,
No matter how hard I scream.


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Old 28-01-2013, 10:59 PM   #4
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I completely understand, and I know I've struggled in the past with accepting things as "wrong" and needing someone else to say that it's okay to think that. I don't think words can ever truly explain the pain, but they can go a long way and definitely help ease the feelings xxx
Thanku bella. I do try to write stuff down, often when my feelings,are most intense, I seem to write more deeply. It proved very useful in counselling when I read something I'd written when very angry & despondent. My counsellor said there was a marked difference between how I presented in counselling to the way I had written. It does make me realise that even if the words don't do your feelings full justice, u. R right that they do go towards easing the feelings.

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Old 28-01-2013, 11:04 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by blanket. View Post
Heya, I completely empathise. With the words not describing it - I don't know about for you, but for me sometimes it is just such an indescribable thing. Like someone will say something that reminds me and it makes my throat close up... even though it's a different context, I can't describe how it makes me feel. Vulnerable all over again I guess.
And yes, I really empathise on accepting 'abuse' as well. I guess it's all so tied up into it - part of the emotional aspect of it means it's so difficult to believe certain things in yourself, and the fact that it was 'wrong' is one of them. The important thing is gaining reassurance from others that you can trust, and focusing on overcoming the impact the behaviour has had on you, until eventually you'll be able to give that reassurance to yourself.
All the best x
For me, it's almost like I feel like my lungs are going to close up or something. If I get really stressed when exercising its like an asthma attack, but only short lived. Not very nice.
I am working on things just as u describe. It's so good sharing in here as it helps me get some of that reassurance you speak of. That's something usually missing for victims of abuse, no-one provided any reassurance or support most of the time, let alone even a slither of validation.
In posting my thoughts and feelings here I am releasing some of my doubts. One day I will have released them all. Then it will be time for freedom and increased happiness and fulfilment in life.


Last edited by Tessar : 28-01-2013 at 11:05 PM. Reason: Missing word
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Old 25-03-2013, 10:38 PM   #6
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I mustn't forget abut that little girl inside me. I'd still like to let her out. She is in there I know. Maybe she does come out more than I realise. But she can still feel vulnerable. Maybe it is she who feels slighted or hurt when I am criticised or rejected. That she has been there all along but I just hadn't realised she is the one feeling pain and sadness. But also fun too. Innocent laughter and cheerfulness that I use as my means to cover up how I am really feeling underneath. She's helpful on the one hand but also she acts as my protection from others seeing how I really feel day to day. Oh well, at least she is still here as I am sure life would be much more lonely and dull without her innocent little presence inside me.

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Old 06-04-2013, 11:53 PM   #7
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And now...... Two months down the line..... I am able to accept the truth, that I was abused. If I think that to myself, I don't avoid the true depth of it. I can stay with it now. I don't have to feel what happened to me was less bad than might have happened to others. Abuse is abuse in what ever form it comes. How we see it as having happened to ourselves is another matter. But for me I know and that is the bottom line.

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