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Old 10-01-2016, 06:51 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2016
I feel depressed about my past. What can i do?

Hello everyone

I am only 24 and I feel like I have been through so much.Most of it is due to my poor choices but please hear me out. Please don't judge me as I have a good heart. I take full responsibility for my choices. As for my life, My mother raised me, she was always a good mother, she was a single mother. My father never cared. I grew up without a dad and i feel that this also scarred me. When I was just 15 years old, I met my first boyfriend who told me he was 27, but later I found he was actually 45. He got me pregnant 6 months later, at the age of 16, however I suffered a miscarriage which I am actually thankful for because I did not want a child at that time (in high school) and I didn't know much, or anything, about sex. I was very na´ve. 2 months after that, he tried getting me pregnant again and I suffered another miscarriage. His mother told me he wants me to be a housewife and have children with him. I later found out that he was not only lying about his age, but also about his son (who is older than me). I trusted him. After all, he was all i knew. Back when we first met, he introduced his son to me as "his brother". I was heartbroken and disappointed. He lied about so much. I was still in high school, he made me skip school and my grades suffered badly, I was failing. I almost failed high school because of the relationship. I didn't want to ruin my life or disappoint my mother, who has struggled all her life, alone, just to be a good mom to me. However, I was smart and attended night school (after class) and got my high school early at age 17. As for my dysfunctional relationship, it lasted 4 years, there were many times when I wanted to leave because I knew it was wrong and that he was abusing me but because he was my first boyfriend, and with so little life experience, i stayed. It really got to me though. It mentally scarred me. I left that relationship for good at age 19 and i started to rebel, alot. I believe this was because of what i went through in that relationship and i felt like i was destroyed, my innocence taken away. I was talking to a man i met online who i thought would take me out to a party, instead he introduced me to "escorting". I later found out that he ran an escorting agency. I remember i was very scared but i tried it, unfortuntely. I was doing in that life for 5 years. Please try not to judge me. Times were really hard and i wanted to help my mom out with bills,expenses and save for college. Thankfully, I recently got out of that terrible life, but i feel ive been through hell and back. I enrolled in university now and i have a part time job but when i look back, I feel like crying and i feel so depressed. I also wonder if i will ever be able to live a normal life again, without ever looking back? And if so, how can i do that?

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Old 13-01-2016, 09:25 PM   #2
Accidentally Abstract
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: London, UK


Don't worry - we aren't here to judge.

It sounds like you've definitely been through a hell of a lot in your 24 years.

I think you've done amazingly by getting out of relationship & away from the escorting, into university & getting a part-time job. You've done fantastically & you deserve to be proud of yourself for changing the situation.

I can understand what you mean when you say you look back on everything & feel down, but if you can, try not to think backwards too much & focus on the future & how well you've done. Distractions & focusing on spending quality time with friends & family could be helpful as well.

Do you have any existing professional support such as a counsellor? Or at least somebody you're close to who you feel you can talk to?

Take care.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
[Marilyn Monroe]

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Old 14-01-2016, 02:56 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Hello Monica!

I'll tell you, you cannot do anything to change your past. But you can change the way you think in your present life to move forward in which I believe your future self will be thankful for. Learn to let go of your past. Yes, it hurt you but you need not to live in your past. That won't help you. Don't get stuck. Forgive yourself if you think it's your fault then stand up. There is a bright future awaits for you. You're still young, Monica :) There is something and someone better ahead of you ;)

Sometimes, the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

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