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Old 26-10-2014, 03:09 PM   #1
Arienette's Avatar
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is this a bpd thing?

This is a generic question about people with bpd. I have a friend who I met through services. She is quite a bit older so we go for coffee and just chat every so often.

What I have noticed though, is that her life is in perpetual crisis. There have been some terrible circumstances such as a family death, but prior to this and all through when I met her before, her life is a constant rollercoaster of crisis after crisis.

I really care about her, and even though some of her general traits can be a bit difficult - like being quite conflicting within her other relationship then telling me but not accepting that there is another side to everything for example, I can get over. And how conversations end up largely one sided. I can deal with that, I don't live with her it's fine.

However I've been having a rough time lately and its becoming prolonged because I'm fighting it so much but ultimately I'm pretty unstable. When she text me she was telling me about her therapy etc and sent me a video of the funeral. I mentioned I'm having a rough time, glad you started therapy, speak soon. To kind of finish the conversation for a few days but now she is sending me updates of her care and therapy and how she is all the time even though I told her I'm having a rough time: I mean I was in hospital for ages this week and scraped hospitalization.

I didn't want sympathy from her, but am I being selfish in feeling a bit annoyed that she's quite self absorbed and I dunno, I mean we all need someone to talk to and I don't mind that but she is texting me all her treatment updates and she knows I am struggling a bit - even though that seems to have swooshed over her head- and that my s/o is also struggling.

I just find it frustrating and wondered if it was a bpd thing?

I can deal with it but if it's a bpd thing then I will have to just tolerant it because she's probably has no idea she's doing it and if I mention it I am concerned she will hate me and be really hurt by me. Which I don't want to do because I do care, I just, it's frustrating and normally I'd mention something.

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Old 26-10-2014, 03:12 PM   #2
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Also I don't understand why she texts me all her updates because when I text back she ignored it until the next update. It's a one way thing and because she ignore my replies I wonder if I'm missing the point of her texting me about it. It is almost like I am the other end of a diary.

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Old 26-10-2014, 03:28 PM   #3
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I have BPD and I think everyone's different (I'm starting to think this will become my mantra!) I mean, like people said on a recent thread about whether or not something's a BPD thing or not, everyone has a unique personality made up of all different traits. I once read there are many different forms and types of BPD alone.

I have met many people with BPD who are incredibly supportive of others and sensitive about when someone is having a difficult time. Some people with BPD can be draining at times, yes, as is the case with many people who don't have BPD.

I will acknoweldge that there was a period in my life when I felt I was 'hard work' and in constant crisis but this was prior to a diagnosis of BPD and may or may not have been part of that specific condition.

But in short I feel it's different for different folks!

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Old 26-10-2014, 05:54 PM   #4
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I guess regardless to weather it is a bpd thing or not I think this is quite common for people with mental illness who have had chronic illness.
Everything in their life is illness; their identity is their illness and the don't know how to function with out it.

She does sound selfish but there is usually a reason behind selfishness. For example if her illness is badly managed atm it may be all she can think about and all she knows to mention. Like she is consumed by illness.

I'm unsure weather it is a specific bpd thing because I know people with other disorders who seem to have constant crisis.
I know i have had periods where, when consumed by my illness, i have been very selfish. But i didn't realise it at the time or even care because the illness was so painful and distracting in my mind.

Saying that however you could tell her how you feel or tell her you need some time a part while you recover from what is going on with you.

This might not have been helpful just i know i use to do this and can understand why people act like this and they don't do it deliberately (well not always) to harm or upset others.

If it's too much for you right now it might be good to take a step back for the sake of your own wellbeing.

The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.

Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.

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Old 26-10-2014, 06:09 PM   #5
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Yeah, maybe it's just that she is really absorbed in how unwell she is feeling that she can't se beyond her own world at all, or empathise or maybe, just hold back a little on when the social cues are there.

I've maintained enough of a distance for now, but if it gets too much I will either have to maintain my distance a little or just say, in the nicest possible way. Like something along the lines of, "I really do care about you and how you are doing, but right now I am struggling an awful lot and can only be slightly supportive because I've got an awful lot on as well that is very difficult to manage. Maybe we could talk about non-mental health stuff, or the weather, or have a bigger space between now and our next meet up date and pick up from there maybe?"

Obviously, I'd only need to say that though if I continue to struggle, and she continues to send me her one-sided conversations and updates.

Otherwise maybe it is just a part of how she is in general. I guess lots of people who are also not ill or bpd at all can be quite selfish and self absorbed. I suppose it's just one of those things.

Thanks for your answers. x

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Old 27-10-2014, 06:10 PM   #6
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You do need ur space. You wanna be there for her but u cant always. You just need to tell her that u really cant speak to anyone right now and u need ur rest. Explain ur situation so u can and it like that and if she does reply back then dont.

I know its hard that she is going through a hard time two. Sometimes thèse situations can difficult for u both. There anyone else she can take to right now?

Maybe u should say that to her. Its good that shes getting support as in therapy. Maybe she needs to confide in them more.

You getting any help?

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