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Old 30-08-2014, 11:52 PM   #1
what_the?
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It's all a bit much at the moment

Hi

[I'm putting this here because mostly I think this boils down to my mental health at the moment, I'll move it if people object!]

I'm struggling with general life at the moment, and next month is going to be pretty hideous for me, I think and I just don't really know how to cope. I've tried with my GP, but it didn't go so well, I won't go into details, but it was very, very unhelpful and I've kind of lost faith in them.

I'm struggling with massive, massive feelings of guilt, as had I not made the decision I did, I'd have been having a baby in the next couple of weeks. As the date gets closer I'm struggling more and more. I just see babies everywhere and I can't deal with it. So many of my friends are pregnant. I was in a real state at the time, and logically I know I'm not ready, but I can't get over the guilt. I can't change anything now, but I didn't expect that it would hurt this much.

My job is up in the air, my contract is up in September, and I've been told I'm staying, but haven't had any confirmation yet. I'm really tense about this. I passed my MA, but I feel under a lot of pressure to live up to the grade and to be really successful, and I can't do that. I'm so tired, but I'm struggling to/won't let myself sleep. I feel like on the surface everything looks great, but underneath I'm completely falling apart and eventually the cracks will start to show.

It's also a year since my dad left my mum, and I'm really worried about her. She's pretending she's okay, but she's not. I have been having really horrible images pop into my head that she's hurt herself, or been involved in an accident, and I am sometimes convinced they're real. I feel so guilty for leaving her on her own in her house, whilst I'm in another city.

I'm struggling to adapt to my new gluten free-ness and I'm kind of using not complying as a form of self-harm, which I know won't be helping anything, but I'm trying really hard not to cut, because I know if I do, it wouldn't end well and I'd likely see someone I know from work in A&E or be in a position where work saw the cuts/something ridiculous happens and I'd lose my job.

I'm trying to deal with it through exercise, but there's not enough hours or classes in the day to get it all out. Nothing feels enough and I'm really just not going to be able to hold this together much longer. I feel horrific, and nothing I'm doing seems to work. I'm trying and trying and I just don't know what to do.

If anyone has any practical advise on managing this, particularly the stress and just the hideous low mood, I'd really appreciate it. I'm really, really not feeling good.

Thanks, and apologies for all of my whinging.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 31-08-2014, 12:00 AM   #2
Serendipity.
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Hey lovely,

I'll come back and reply properly tomorrow when I'm less tired but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time, and leave you some *hugs* xx



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 31-08-2014, 12:27 AM   #3
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heya,
it really seems like you have an awful lot to deal with at the moment. i can imagine with all that going on that you're feeling overwhelmed.
i'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your GP. is there another professional you could visit?
man, i know that guilt. its awful that you've been through all that. you have to trust yourself that you did the right thing at the time. do many of your friends know what you went through? please just try to be easy on yourself and give yourself time to heal.
you're intelligent, you know you can work hard. try to believe in yourself. you have probably proved to yourself before that you are capable of more than you would think you are. what is it that is making you struggle with sleep?
that's awful about your mother. she's lucky to have you thinking of her. do you speak with her often? perhaps a call or visit would put your mind at ease? do you have siblings you could talk to about your worries for her?
you seem exhausted and you do have so much going on. try to be kind and look after yourself. your health is important.
*sends hugs*

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Old 31-08-2014, 09:56 AM   #4
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Thank you both. A few people know, but I was so ashamed at the time that it wasn't the sort of thing I really brought up.

I don't know what's making my sleep so rubbish. Part of it I think is me not allowing myself to sleep, because I know I'll then feel physically rubbish the next day, I'm scared that in trying not to cut, I'm doing things that are just as dodgy really.

I text my mum most days and call her at least twice a week. She came across here last weekend, and I try and go back to hers once every 6 weeks or so, but it's difficult with time and money. I've got a sister, but we really don't get on. She's not really spoken to me since I did some stuff I'm not proud of and ended up in hospital about 7 years ago. She also doesn't live in the same continent.

I hope I don't sound like I'm putting obstacles in the way. I'm really trying not to, I'm just struggling to manage everything and I don't know what can or should give. I'm terrified of being a failure.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 31-08-2014, 11:51 PM   #5
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Hi there. It sounds like you've got a lot on right now, and I think you've been really brave.

Could you try with a different GP perhaps?

I think guilt is common with these things, but that doesn't mean that you should feel guilty. For what it counts, I think you made the right decisions; it wouldn't have been fair on yourself or a child to put yourself in that position. Would it help to remind yourself of the reasons you made that decision, and why it was the right decision for you?

I hope you hear back about your job soon. It sounds like you're putting immense pressure on yourself to be wonderful and perfect, and ultimately if we set the bar too hight, we can't possible live up to it. You are doing so, so well. Don't be too hard on yourself.

It sounds as if restricting sleep is also a form of self harm. Do you think you could try to get yourself into a sleep routine, where you earmarked a certain number of hours to sleep?

I am sorry to hear about your mum. Do you think you would be able to talk to her about how worried you are?

Do you think you could avoid keeping gluten stuff in the house, or do you tend to be eating it out or impulsively?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 01-09-2014, 09:54 PM   #6
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I don't know. I'm trying really hard, it just feels like everything should be okay. Like things are in order, I've passed my MA. I have a job, albeit without great job security, I've got somewhere to live. I just sound like a completely ungrateful idiot.

I'm just terrified that if I stop and properly admit that I'm not okay, then everything will completely collapse and it will become unmanageable.

I think everything is down to different forms of self-harm. I just don't know how to deal with stress and guilt and sadness and everything in a healthier way.

My issue with the gluten is that I'm house-sitting for someone and her food contains gluten. I can't throw it out. I don't buy it. I also feel really guilty if I eat anything containing it.

Sorry, I sound like a broken record, I'm just really struggling.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 01-09-2014, 10:10 PM   #7
ModestMolly
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heya again,
don't apologise. its okay to be feeling like this. life can be overwhelming and we've all been there (well probably most of us!).
I think that feeling, when things are going well but you still don't feel completely comfortable/happy, means there is something deeper going on. maybe it is those feelings of guilt, or something that happened a while ago. do you find yourself thinking of the past often? i think when i felt like how you are describing, those were definitely times when i wasn't completely over something that had happened. i still found myself thinking about it subconsciously (most of the time) and it was overwhelming even though everything on the surface was/seemed fine. sorry major waffle there!
your health is important and will affect your mood. you're worth buying some gluten free food. be kind to yourself.
x

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Old 01-09-2014, 10:40 PM   #8
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I don't know really. I do struggle with remembering negative things, even if they were really minor. Like, getting shouted at at school when I was 8, which is 17 years ago. I struggle to look past them.

I just feel completely overwhelmed, worried about my mum and just really, really low. I can't even verbalise how I feel other than awful. I don't even know if it's physical or mental.

I skipped my gym class today, and just went to the gym, but I feel irrationally guilty for not staying. It's starting to get a bit out of control, but actually all of these things are so small, that they're hardly life-changing/threatening. It's just a bit pathetic.

Thank you, though.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 02-09-2014, 01:54 AM   #9
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Do you think it would help to write these things down, these worries? I can't remember if you've said, but do you have much support right now?



It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


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Old 03-09-2014, 10:52 PM   #10
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I don't have any support at the moment. Like I say, I tried my GP but he really didn't get it and offered no support or talking stuff, but a prescription of three months of a very overdosable painkiller, as apparently that would improve my tiredness.

I'm struggling a lot. I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight this week and on top of everything that's just making me want to cry/die and I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Apologies for the melodrama.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 03-09-2014, 11:03 PM   #11
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heya,
sorry to hear things aren't looking up. could the weight just be hormones/water weight or something? i think one's weight can vary week in week out so don't rush to panic straight away.
it does sound like you are really struggling and so maybe trying to reach out and get some further support (even from family/friends?) might be a good idea to help you deal with these feelings
*sends hugs*

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Old 04-09-2014, 11:00 PM   #12
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I keep meaning to come back to this, and then I find that i don't have anything valuable to say. I really really think you should try to see a different GP though. It is awful that you've had such a bad experience with this one, but it sounds like you could really use some help and support at the moment, and you absolutely deserve that. Leaving love and hugs <3



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 06-09-2014, 09:03 AM   #13
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Thank you guys.

I've got a GP appointment on the 12th, that I've had for ages. I don't know the doctor though. I don't know what to say, I've known I've been struggling for a while and the last GP really shocked me, like really. It took loads for me to try and talk to him, I can't cope with that happening again.

Weight-wise, I don't know, but I feel hideous about it. I just feel like it's all little things, things I should be able to manage, but together it's just so overwhelming.





"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."




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Old 06-09-2014, 05:47 PM   #14
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Can you print this off?

I can remember being shocked by your last appointment and really hope this goes better.

Xox




When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
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