Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Should have known...

[drinkuptheocean]

that this was going to happen, but for some reason I REALLY did not see this coming.

I'm going to try to explain this as simple and not confusing and as short as I can get it. Well, my family changed insurances so I had to find a new therapist somewhere else. I spoke to 2 therapists at this new place. The first therapist, she was really nice and I opened up so much. I really couldn't believe how I just spilled everything. I'm not like that. But, I guess it was good... although I felt really vulnerable afterwards. I told her about my uncle molesting me when I was younger. She asked if it has been reported... I, stupidly, told her no. And she said it should be reported, and I said... oh god no, I can NOT do that. And then it pretty much ended the conversation. Well, I saw my OTHER therapist (the one that I'm leaving soon cause of insurances, I've been seeing her for like 5 years) today and ugh, I don't know WHY I brought this up, well it was cause of other issues... but I'm going to stick with this one for now, so it doesn't get confusing. I pretty much told her that the therapist I saw wanted to call CPS (child protection services) on my uncle. And my therapist, she knew about what my uncle did, but I guess she thought it's been resolved and she felt really bad cause she thought it was taken care of. But now she wants to report it... i'm 19, but I have an younger sister and she wnats to protect her and other children he might come in contant with. **** I mean I know this is the RIGHT thing to do... but not for ****ing me. I'm so alone, lost, and confused. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing her next week again, to tell her about the details of what happened... I told her somethings, but she wants to know everything... I love my therapist, she is awesome, but I can't go back to those days and think of what happened. I constantly think to myself... "What if I'm making this up? What if it never happened and I just thought it did? What if it's not real?"... IT HAS TO BE REAL RIGHT? I mean it's been effecting me all my life... I couldn't of just made it up. But no one will believe me, and when I report it... that means my family and parents will know about it. My uncle is kind of out there, maybe a little mentally challenged... he kind of acts like a kid, ya know? UGH! NO ONE IS GOING TO BELIEVE ME! Everyone thinks I'm going to be lying. I'm crying just writing this, I don't know what's real. But I see those images and I get those flashbacks... I'm out of control right now, I can not calm down. I think I'm crazy, I'm questioning about what happened. I've been doing this ever since it happened... this is gonna **** everything up. My god, I'm sorry... this is so long and confusing... and that's what I wanted to prevent...


And to make matters worse, today is my best friends birthday and I'm suppose to be hanging out with her tonight... but I can't even do that and I feel horrible that I'm even thinking about cancelling. I'm such an emotional mess and I'm making myself physcially ill... and everyone's going to be happy and I can't even fake it right now... I just want to be alone in my room and cry. Cause I can't talk to her about it, cause today is her day.. she deserves to be happy, and I'm afraid if I hang out with her and being like this, it will be just the opposite.

[Undomiel]

**Huggles you so safely**

This is a huge thing you're being asked to do lovely and it is COMPLETELY normal that you're panicing about it.
You are incredibly brave for even thinking about doing it..

I think questioning yourself and the memories is also very normal and SO hard. Even if you have all the proof of the effects and flashbacks still there reminding you all the time it's still far too easy to start turning it back round on yourself and saying 'maybe it didn't happen and I got it all wrong' etc...
BUT please remember YOU are not the one at fault here. Your Uncle IS. Any upset that is caused by this is NOT your fault, just like the abuse wasn't your fault. The blame lies with your Uncle and even if he is 'mentally challenged' that doesn't change the fact that you are not to blame and that what he did was WRONG.

I believe you. We all believe you here. Your therapist believes you and I hope so much that your family will not put you through still more hurt by doubting you..

I don't now what else to say except please be very good to yourself...you are in the right here and you deserve all the support you can get.

I hope your friend's birthday went ok too...

xxxx

[drinkuptheocean]

thank you so much for the reply back. it really meant a lot. :)

i just really can't do this, i can't let people know... i can't talk about it. my whole family is going to find out. it's just going to be more stress. my uncle, god, everyone thinks he's so innocence, they're not going to believe he did this to me... this is so hard, i really am wondering if any of this is real.

[deadtotheworld]

*hugz*
undomiel said everything i could say really, so im just going to second that and give you millions of hugz
xxxxx

[Ingenue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by drinkuptheocean

thank you so much for the reply back. it really meant a lot. :)

i just really can't do this, i can't let people know... i can't talk about it. my whole family is going to find out. it's just going to be more stress. my uncle, god, everyone thinks he's so innocence, they're not going to believe he did this to me... this is so hard, i really am wondering if any of this is real.

I'm so sorry about what has happened to you & i can understand you have a very hard and difficult road to go down.
Undomial said a lot of what i wish to say so i will not repeat words already said.

However again i want to reinforce the point that is is entirely natural to question yourself over these events & to be worried that they weren't real.
But YOU know what happened & something that has affected you this much IS real.

I can completely relate to not being able to talk about it, but i think this can only be solved when you feel ready to talk about it.
Nobody can decide when you are ready other than yourself. One day you WILL reach that point, but the important thing is to not push yourself to hard okay?

Everybody in your family may believe your uncle to be innocent. But people can hide behind false pretenses/fake identitys. You more than most will know how much you can hide from the people you love.
I know it will be scary & you may not believe that people will be with you & supporting you. But your family will be there for you. The will believe you as your words are the truth.
If worse comes to worse & they do not believe you, then do not give up.
Protecting yourself, your sister & people who will come across him in the future, is a hero's work.
And that's what you are attempting to be.

All you need is courage, it may come slowly, it may come all at once. But it will come.
You can only stretch out your wings & go over the events when you are ready.

Good luck & let us know how it goes okay?

*Sends safe cuddles & sprinkles glitter around you*

Jane
x

[Undomiel]

^^agrees.

Also sweetheart...I think you should put aside the fact that your Uncle is possible 'mentally challenged' ,and seen as all 'innocent', aside and focus on the fact that what he did was wrong and very harmful...full stop. Abusers come in all shapes and sizes, respectable, politely spoken, friendly...it's what gives them a lot of their power...

You are telling the truth and you deserved to be believed. Hold onto that.

When you see your therapist to tell her the details please tell her how much this is affecting you, she should be supporting you SO much right now because what she has asked you to do is so incredibly painful but also so pressurising and hard to say no to...

I'll say it again lovely..you are being SO brave even just thinking about all this...I hope you realise how amazing you are...

**Huggles you**

xxx