Graphic - Suicide switch in my head

[Deborrah]

I have a huge problem with emotional contagion. But mostly when it relates to suicide. I feel suicidal on the regular, but sometimes I don't notice that I feel suicidal, or there is the rare moment where I don't feel suicidal at all.


But the second someone mentions suicide it's like there is a switch in my brain that gets pressed and I feel very suicidal. My friend's friend commited suicide recently and she found out in my presence and was distressed, I helped calm her down but my bones were shaking from suddenly feeling intensely suicidal.
Saw a local post yesterday about this person's family wanting to raise money for them, and again I remembered they committed suicide and suddenly I wanted to kill myself.


If I'm at the train station and I hear someone talk about suicide to someone else I immediately feel the impulse to jump in front of the train. I wish they were just thoughts but my body sensations are stronger than the thoughts. My heart starts racing and I have to hold on to a railing and shut my eyes as the train approaches because I'm trying to stop myself.


I don't know what to do. It's like suicide is highly triggering for me but sometimes you can't escape it :/

[Auror.]

Are you in therapy or do you have any treatment providers currently that you could bring this up with?

What you are describing sounds a bit similar to intrusive thoughts to me. Not trying to offer a diagnosis, just saying maybe if you look up tips for dealing with intrusive thoughts you might find something useful?

[Deborrah]

I'm in dialectical behavior therapy at the moment and they know this happrns to me. I get intrusive thoughts too, and the therapy skills help with redirecting the thoughts, but the physical sensations still stay there, and they are more distressing than the thought itself. It's like my body suddenly has a mind of its own when this happens and I could make myself think of a forest or a cookie and my body still will have the sensations.

[Auror.]

Have you explained that to your therapist/the folks you are doing DBT with? Also do you think any of the other types of skills be worth trying in those situations, like some of the distress tolerance ones? Thinking TIPP maybe, or any other types of skills that are sensory based? Even maybe something like using radical acceptance to work on accepting the thoughts?

I know for me personally if I work more on accepting the thoughts as they are without judgement versus trying to redirect or change them, that can make them less distressing, which would maybe help with the physical response. Maybe if you try pairing that with sensory stuff or even grounding type of stuff it might be more useful? Obviously discuss with your providers first, since I don't want to be suggesting things that would go against what your people say. I know DBT is pretty structured so if anything here conflicts with what you've been told of course go with professional advice.