I said I'd give it a try. It's just that I've been saying to everyone I don't need hospital any more and it feels wrong to go back on that. My psychiatrist still hasn't sorted out a new med for me so maybe that could be done in hospital. I'm worried about all the people who are still on the waiting list. The CPN told me not to worry about that, that I have been prioritised, but I can't help but worry. I especially don't want to make things difficult for my brother because he thinks I'm alright and then if I end up in hospital he'll wonder what happened. I can't stand to breathe through any more of this, at home or in hospital.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I would really encourage you to accept the bed. You need it and deserve it. Other people will be looked after. You need this for you, even if it doesn't feel like it helps, maybe it will a little?
I will probably try. It's maybe trivial but I'm also worried about disturbing people because my Hayfever is pretty bad especially in bed in the morning and this morning I was half asleep and snorting so the snorting was incorporated into my dream and it took a while for me to realise it was reality.
I'm also worried about my brother. And I'm worried about my cats because they will only get one visit a day. They will have to get all of their food at once and I know that cat1 will likely finish his quickly and cat2 might leave some of his but then cat1 will eat it. Cat2 also might regurgitate his if he eats more than he's happy with and cat1 will likely eat the regurgitated food too (disgusting I know). They want a lot of attention from me too so I'm worried they'll be sad and bored.
People will judge me in hospital too since I have managed 3 weeks at home. They will discharge me quickly even if it is actually helping and I could do with a bit of a longer stay.
I don't even know how to occupy myself tonight. The last bit of waiting always seems to be the worst. It's the same the day before I am discharged from hospital, it seems to go more slowly than usual.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I should have known this would happen. No one phoned me first thing in the morning so I phoned at 11am and the CPN said sorry but there isn't a bed for you any more. Lol! Lol! Lol! Lol! She said she was going to talk to her team leader and she'd phone me back in the afternoon. The worker from the gym group asked me to come to the group and just sit in the cafe so I did. When I got home there was a message on my house phone saying they will phone the ward every day. Back to square one.
After the group I went a wander to see if I could access X place to kill myself but there was no access along the route I walked. Pathetic idiot. I bet you all think I wasn't serious anyway. When I was on the bus home I thought I could have got off at X place to kill myself but I had passed it and it's hard not to be seen during the day time but if I go to my appointment with my support worker tomorrow I might try and go on the way back.
When I was walking to the bus station an older guy said "are you fair tired?" and I said no I don't do anything that would make me tired. He got into a conversation with me and kept saying whatever you do enjoy your day and if you see something you like in the shops and you have the bucks then buy it. Which was quite sweet. Then I got on the bus and two of the people from the gym group were at a stop further on. They got on the bus, the first one turned and said something to the other one, and they totally ignored me. They did see someone they knew further up the bus and that's fine if they wanted to talk to her instead but they completely blanked me.
I'm a total useless, worthless, nothing. The way the bed situation is going is getting annoying now and I'm at the stage where I think it probably would be better for me to just give up everything if I can be brave enough.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
We take you very seriously. I'm sorry, worried and frustrated that you're in this position. I don't know if you can take any comfort from the fact that I think your team take you seriously too, the bed situation is just so sh*t and it's not okay. It's not okay that you have to suffer. I understand your despair and I think I would feel the same, but I so hope you keep holding on until a bed is available.
There's no point in going into hospital anyway. This circle of pain is never-ending while I am alive. I have seriously had enough. I hope not to be able to stay safe to be honest.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I definitely think there's hope for you. But that hope can only happen while you're alive. You're so understandably exhausted, but what if an admission helped with that, just to have some space to talk, and maybe even come up with a plan going forward. Sending so much love.
If I ever get a bed I just know that someone else will need the bed in an emergency and some of the staff at least will hate me and be saying that I don't need a bed and that the emergency patient could have had it. Even if being inpatient is helping I will be quickly discharged. I am worthless and I don't deserve support.
Things continue to be tough. There are new messages in my tinnitus which are really scaring me because it's all a jumble that I can't make out. I can't get away from my tinnitus and I shouldn't try anyway because if I can figure out the messages they will be about how to protect people.
I cancelled my support worker this morning because she makes me feel worse. I didn't really want to talk to her but she was there and she was fine with me cancelling. I don't feel able to tell her any of the stuff that has been going on. She said that the CPN is going to talk to my psychiatrist about where we go from here regarding admission and she will phone me after she talks to him.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I wish my CPN wasn't off because she's the only person I can properly talk to. Also, I'm very worried about what might be happening with her since she's off sick.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I wish I could make the messages clearer somehow. There is something I'm supposed to be doing and I don't know what it is. Maybe any risky thing would be sort of sufficient. It's always daylight though. There are always people around.
I am the least important person in the world. I am just a vessel that brings hurt and that is supposed to follow commands to take away hurt. I am failing at taking away hurt.
I feel so alone.
Oh, and the CPN didn't phone me today. Plus no support has been arranged for over the weekend.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You're more important to me than a lot of the people I know IRL. And I think other people would say the same. You're far from the bottom of the list of important people.
Is there something you can think of that you could do to make things at least a little bit easier while you're waiting for your CPN to be back? I know that life must seem really harsh and hopeless to you right now, but please, don't give up. You never know what future has in store for you, and even if you feel like nothing can help you feel better ever, it doesn't mean it's true. I've been at a point where I was convinced things will not and can not be okay for me, and life did surprise me later. And it can surprise you too.
I see that you're pretty confused. Can you please tell who are you having trouble communicating with? And what do you mean by needing to wander? I hope you can rationalize that feeling emotions does mean you are alive and real. Please, take care.
