I've gained weight. And I hate it.
I'm slipping hard and fast into bulimic behaviour; purging far too much, but eating far too much before hand (as if that makes it ok?!)
I lost a lot at first, I went from 140lb to 112lb in about three months. And now, now I'm maintaining at 112lb, give or take. And I hate that. I know that realistically, it's ok - and I'm still at a healthy weight, but low weight. And I just want it - off me. I want it gone, I want it to just - urgh. I disgust myself for slipping into bulimic behaviour, for becoming something that I so hate, for not being good enough to be slim, to be "thin".
To be honest, I desperatly miss hospital - the ED unit that I was in - and so want to go back there so much. The fact that I'm not is just a testament to how much of a faliure I am - true or not, that's how I feel.
I'm not OD'ing anymore, I'm not SI'ing; at least, not nearly as much. The alcohol level is going up (hence this post tonight ), but generally, "bad" behaviours have gone down drastically. So, I'm feeling pretty worthless, pretty much like I don't deserve any help., tor that I don't belong anywhere. I'm not "ill" - I'm effectivly "coping", I'm just struggling. And god, I hate myself for that.
I suppose that effectivly, I just want to be ill. I miss being who I was when I was desperatly ill, and god, I so want to be there again - despite how crap it was.
I'm so sorry for the brain-splurge, I suppose I just had to get that out. Argh.
I can understand some of that, like when your 'coping' you don't feel like you belong anywhere, but you know what, you do. It's just finding that place.
As you know the behaviours that your using right now (bullimic behaviours) isn't a good way to go, nor is the alcohol. You could cause more hassell for yourself and your causing damage to your body in the long run. Jo, you've come along way since being in that ED unit. Remember why you wanted to recover in the first place sweetie and try and hold on to that. You look beautiful and I wish you could see that.
Can you talk to your therapist about how your feeling? Or your family? It sounds like you need abit of real life support right now.
Stay Safe and Take Care Sweetie
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Jo hunni, we all love you & despite you wanting to go back to the bad times, you dont deserve that pain back in your life. You have lost a lot of weight hunni, please dont go too low, hang in there chick. But i can totally relate to you wanting to go back, craving the control. Darling is there anyone you can talk to about this, before it gets out of hand. I wish i had the right words & i wish i could take away your pain, but i can only give you loads of love & kisses. *hugs Jo very very tightly*)
I'm sorry you're feeling like this and my heart goes out to you. You really don't need to be a lower weight. I can understand you wanting to be sick again, wanting the control and everything that goes with it, but recovery is so much better and you deserve it. I don't know what else to say. Just look after yourself.
Like Leigh said maybe try talking to your therapist or a family member? It might help you a lot with coping. You know that you're at a low weight so please just try to keep maintaining that weight at the very least. Loosing any more could be so bad for you.
You are so strong and amazing sweetheart, I'd hate to see anything happen to you. You just have to keep fighting and being the amazing person you are.
Sorry I'm not of much use right now. Just take care.
*Hugs* Just wanted to say that I'd read this and that I'm sorry things are tough. It's hard to be stuck somewhere between ill and "well", and I'm really sorry you're struggling. You really really don't need to lose any weight hun, and no matter what that ED voice tells you, going back to that place where you were very ill won't help you, it won't make things any better in the long run. Keep fighting for recovery, it's so worth it in the end. Talk to someone about how you're struggling right now, reach out for help and I'm sure you'll get what you need.
Well done for not OD'ing or SI'ing, those are both huge acheivments in themselves and you deserve to be proud of that. Do you think that you've replaced those coping mechanisms with the drinking and purging? Think about other ways that you could support yourself when you feel the need to harm yourself in some way and see if you can start to replace the self-destructive behaviours with more effective, healthier mechanisms. (And if you think of any effective, less damaging ways of supporting yourself, then please share as I'm really struggling with this at the moment! :( )
Take care of yourself hun and stay safe.
I'm not afraid to fall,
It means I climbed up high.
To fall is not to fail,
You fail when you don't try.
Oh Jo darling... *cuddles you* I'm so sorry you feel this way again sweetheart. Honestly, in the photos of you in Paris, I think you look perfect weight-wise. You look healthy, and slim, but not ill. And I'm glad you are maintaining for now. I know what it's like to be plodding along, getting on with life but also struggling through every second, you feel like you don't qualify as ill, or its somehow not valid.
But the truth is you are just a resilient, tough person, who manages to hang in there no matter how bad things get. It's ok to miss the hospital, but what is it you miss about it? The feeling of being ill? Do you really miss that or do you miss the support and the fact that people could SEE you suffering, and see that you were hurting? The fact that you didn't have to deal with everyday life? It sounds to me like you need to reach out for help here. It's not normal or ok to be suffering like that.
Imagine what advice you would give yourself, and take it. You are an amazing, smart, wise person. It's not that your "bad" behaviours are going down, from the sound of it its just that they are changing, and you're heading into bulimic tendencies which is just as damaging, just less obvious.
It sounds like you want help but you don't feel like you "deserve" it. But what would you tell somebody else who was struggling like you are? You do deserve help. The strongest bravest and best thing you can do for yourself right now is to reach out and ask for what you need to feel better. Think about it hun, do you want things to be like this at university? Don't you want to be able to enjoy it without struggling and finding everything hard? Isn't it worth at least trying to turn things around?
I love you Jo, please remember that, you can ALWAYS talk to me ok? x
I just want to say a huge thank you to everybody who has replied, hugged, or even read the post. I am going through a tricky time right now, but I think I'm getting through it. I just hit lows sometimes.
Thank you all, so much. i'm going to personalise replies later, but for now, thank you.
Jo, sorry for the late reply, been very busy working and havent had time to reply to all the threads on ED board.
I know things are tough for you at the moment and i am glad that you have made this thread for support.keeping things inside can make things a lot harder to cope with.maybe in chat you could talk about things, i am always happy to listen and try to help especially for you because you have helped me in the past.
You know the dangers of purging so i dont feel the need to tell you all the dangers, what methods did you use in the past to stop yourself purging? maybe these could help you lower the amount of times you are purging.
are you getting any professional help? maybe talk to someone about how you missbeing in hospital, maybe try a short stay in hospital to see if that helps you cope more?
Jo, you know that being ill again will not makeyou happy, listen to the part of you that made this thread, the part of you that wants to get better.
I realy hope things improve for you jo.You are a beautiful person inside and out.
hey i'm not much good at advice, but you don't want to go back there. you want to be healthy. and struggling and coping is so much braver and takes a hell of a lot more than giving up and just letting it take over is.
i don't know you, but i'm glad you've stopped SI'ing and OD'ing.
and big hugs from meeeeee, sorry i wasn't much use xxx
Oh Jo, I wish I had some words of wisdom.
I am in a similar boat.
I could tell you a million times that you're not fat, but would you believe me? Even if you were 'fat' why does it matter so much? (I know you've posed this question to me before. )
Jo,. you know as much as I do that I can realte to the bulimic behaviours, the self hatred and the disgust at what you do.
You also know that I know how it feels to think that you're worthless and not bad enough for any kind of help.
You are not alone. And you are such a strong person. Even if you don't feel it. I'm so glad you have spoken out. It's fantastic.
Look at the positives in that post.....you're not OD'ing anymore and you are SI'ing less, even though you're going through a tough patch. That's fantastic, even if you don't really see it yourself. It's natral for one thing to get worse whilst the other gets better. You can't tackle it all at once. Take it slowly, one thing at a time and you may get somewhere.
I know you're thinking of not seeing le psychs anymore, so just make sure you look after yourself, and at least consider going back should you need to.
Take Care missus.
Playing with fire,
You know you're gonna hurt somebody tonight.
And you're out on the wire,
You know we're playing with fire.
Jo, I'm so sorry you are struggling, but really you have accomplished so much. You can overcome this one step at a time. No that you are doing so well with not ODing or SIing, how about you give your focus to the purging. You are really a beautiful girl and I wish you could see that. Love you dear. Always here for you.
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Take care lovely, we all care about you very very much, and if there is anything I or we can do we will do it. xxx *smooches*
L_M_G is my mummy :) inkerman and razorbladedarling are my two non-identical twin sprogs (concieved on same day) Scabette< cos she has the cutest puppy dog eyes and i cant resist!feeling-afraid< my bottle of glitter!! which i just have to have :Pmidnight stars< my gorgeous sister, whom i love to bits ;) Dance With The Fairy< *star*gazing*buddie :] Broken-Fairy is my partner in crime ;) little_miss is my real life saviour PaperClip is my stationary queen
I'm completly overwhelmed at the responses, thank you so much for all of your kind and supportive words.
Seriously, thank you. I'm - yes, shocked. And overwhelmed. And so, so grateful.
You are always there for everyone else you deserve to be taken care of too. You are very kind and dont deserve to be going through a hard time.
Please try and talk to someone about this. I dont really know what else to say i think everyone else has said it but i know that what you are doing to your body isnt good and i am worried for you , so please take care .
Lots of love xxx