scars

[babii.blu.eyes.]

i had quite severe scarring up and down both arms, large purple scars, people stared. my mom said if i could stay 6 months self harm free i could see a plastic surgeon and get my scars removed..
i did it..i saw the surgeon..and i had 2 major surgeries which will take a year or more to heal..but the end result will be a very small white line scar..

i regret it..almost..i think..im not sure....
im glad people wont stare at them..or if they do they wont be obviously self harm scars..but they were my history..my life..my story..and i just got rid of it..and now i dont know what to do because i cant get them back..and i dont REALLY want them back..im happy with the choice i made..
it just feels like ive blotched out part of my life..i dont know..im just confused.

[getting_by]

Hi Hun,

I totally understand that you would feel confused. I have quite severe scarring, and now unfortunately with the recent addition of a new one, on my arms and people stare. I know that people have spoken to me in the past about hiding them, camouflage, surgery and things to get rid of them, but I knew that it would really bother me at the moment to have them removed for the reasons you said in your post and others specific to the intrusive thoughts I experience.

I think its great that you made the choice to have them removed. I think that like all these things, scars become part of your life, part of your identity. But like other parts of your life, you need to give yourself time to adjust to not having scars anymore. It will take time, but I think that in the future you will be really pleased with the decision you made and it will help you to be able to move on from your self harming.

Roli xx

[lala...]

First, congratulations on being six months free. :)
I can relate to what you're feeling. I saw a dermatologist to see about scar removal/reduction and ended up getting several treatments of steroid injections to flatten the scars I have. The appearance of my scars is much better than it was, however, occasionally I regret the treatment, not because I am unhappy with the results or because it hasn't helped my recovery (it has) but because I feel like I've hidden what used to be a big part of my life. Also, if I'm being honest, I still get urges, and I always worry that I will render the treatments useless by slipping up, however, it's motivation to stay clean for me, the fact that it signifies I'm moving forward.
So you're not alone with what you're feeling. You're moving forward, and you don't need scars (although I understand your thinking and why they feel significant) to represent your history and your story, no one can take those away from you and the fact that you've come so far.

[babii.blu.eyes.]

thanks..both of you..
i know ive done the right thing..its just a huge step and although the end result is worth it i still have a lot of healing to do..emotionally and physically and my arms will heal but i think emotionally im always going to struggle..and im always worried about when those urges get too much and i do slip up..i feel like its inevitable i will slip up and self harm again..i know thats really negative and i will always fight not to give into those urges..
but what if..

[Pappi]

but is it not a part of your life you want to move on from?

You did it, you had the scars, and erasing the scars isn't erasing the past, more placing it where it belongs, in the past.

it's a step forward, well done.

And well done on not self harming for 6 months, that's great! xx

[silent_scars11]

I'm afraid I'm kind of low on words at the moment, but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with how confused you must be feeling right now. I'm sure that over time, you will eventually come to feel more confident and glad in your decision, as even erasing some of the physical "evidence" of self-harm doesn't remove that chapter from your life. It still happened, but you're strong enough to start moving on from it now.

As for the urges, just take one day at a time. Don't tell yourself you will never harm again, because that can be too overwhelming and encourage you to give in. Just one day at a time. I know that you have the strength to get through this, your decision to remove your scars proves that (however unsure in that decision you may be).