Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - My rape story (just need to talk about it).. sorry long post
I was in Mexico with my parents for March break in 2005. I didn’t bring along any friends so I was somewhat bored. On the second day at the resort I was in the pool by myself just swimming around. Two girls were playing ball and asked me to join in, I did. After playing around and getting to know them we got out of the pool and joined a group of their friends. They all varied in ages. There were six of them. The two girls I was with, one more girl and three boys.
Ben, one of the guys took immediate interest in me. He asked me how old i was and told me that he was sixteen. Now that I am almost sixteen I doubt that he was, he seemed older. I was interested in him too. I had never been with a guy before so it was exciting. I hung around that group for the rest of the week. My parents weren’t aware that there were boys with us but trusted the girls and I enough to stay out until a little bit after dark.
On the last night Ben asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with him. It was an all inclusive resort so all the restaurant food was already payed for. When he asked me he used the word "date" this was thrilling to me. I was so excited to get back to school and tell all my friends that I had been on a date with a sixteen year old.
I wore my purple halter top with my matching purple skirt that night. I told my parents that I was going to dinner with the girls for the last night, they were fine with it. Ben took me to the sea food restaurant. It had wonderful food. We made good conversation. We talked about school and parents, what we wanted to pursue in the future. I felt so connected to him. He told me that he loved me, that I was a sweet girl and that he would miss me when I left. I believed him.
After we had finished dinner he told me I needed to come back to his room to say goodbye to everyone else. I was fine with that. When we reached his room on the second level noone was there. He didn’t say anything, he just closed and locked the door, this frighted me. I should have tried to leave then, I shouldn’t have gone with him in the first place.
He turned from the nicest guy I ever met to the devil in a matter of seconds. He told me to take of my shirt. I was confused and asked him why. He yelled at me and once again told me to take of my shirt. I did what he said. Once it was off he pulled off my bra and started playing with my breasts. I started to cry and again asked him what he was doing. He told me to shut up and to lie down on the bed.
I layed down on the bed while he pulled off my skirt and underwear. I crossed my legs so hide my nakedness. He told me to open my legs. I cried and begged him to stop. He said it was what I wanted, and that I had been leading him on all week. He forcefully pulled my legs apart and put his fingers inside me. A shooting pain went up my back and I screamed. He slapped my face and covered my mouth.
He started to take his shirt and pants off. I sat up and made a mad dash to the door. He grabbed me by my braided hair. My scalp burned as he pulled me back onto the bed. Tears ran down my face as I kicked him and started screaming. He slapped me again and covered my mouth with his hand, so I bit him. He told me I was a stupid worthless whore. I continued to kick him in an attempt to get away. He put him entire body weight on my shoulders and whispered in my ear-
"Kick me one more time, I’ll ****ing kill you."
Now I wish he did. At that point I surrendered. I gave my body over to him to do whatever he pleased. He grabbed onto my thighs and I felt him enter me. I no longer felt attached to my body, I was somewhere else.
"You’re the worst bitch I’ve ever ****ed" he said. I told him I was sorry. I didn’t know what else so say.
When he finished and was satisfied he asked me to kiss him. I did. He told me to get my clothing back on and to leave.
It was dark when I left. I hurried to the public bathroom beside the pool. I looked at my face in the mirror. My lip was bleeding but other than that I didn’t look to damaged. I was determined to not let my parents know so I cleaned myself up quickly. When I got back to my room my parents were there. I told them I was tired so I was going to shower and head to bed. There were no questions asked.
I turned the shower on hot. My skin turned beat red. I scrubbed and scrubbed. I wanted him off of me. I felt dirty and sick to my stomach. I feel like he has never gotten off of me though. He’s still with me everyday reminding me how much of a dirty worthless bitch I am, and for that I hope he ****ing burns in hell.
We are so sorry that he hurt you but this wasn't your fault at all you are not worthless bitch and you are not Dirty we know you will feel like that have you gotten any counselling or help with dealing with this some times it helps to talk to some one but that is your decision to make
we are here for you if you ever need to talk Tribe
Location: Embracing memories of dreams long gone...
I am currently:
OMG! that guy's a stupid bastard!!! Please don't think you're a worthless slut, don't give him that pleasure. He's a jerk, and what he did to you is unacceptable!!
I think you should seek for help, bc you like it or not, you won't be able to go through this traumatical situation, all alone. I know it's something embarrasing to tell, and you might feel ashamed for what happened, but you were brave enough to tell us your story and that's a good sign.
As you said, you have to get him OFF of your life, otherwise, his shadow will affect your daily life, your friendships, and maybe it will make you difficult to fall in love, or put your trust in someone.
If you save those things for yourself, and don't get 'em out of your chest, they start to get rotten inside you, which is not good. Perhaps, talking to your dearest friend about it, or even to your parents will help you to make the burden you bear a lil less heavy.
It's definitely not your fault, he's the one who decided to do that. And I am so so sorry you had to go through that. Are you seeing a counsellor or someone? It would probably help to talk it over in real life with someone.
Take care sweetie xxx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
thank you everyone for your support, it really means alot . seriously. I am seeing a councellor. I wrote this for my councellor actually because I was finding it to difficult to talk about. She is a great support to me but sometimes I just need support of other people that are going through the same things yah kno?
Yeah I totally know hun, even though it's sort of healpful talking to someone who you like to talk to. It still doesn't make what happened go away. But writing that down is an amazing brave step you have taken and you should be proud. You're still here aren't you, be proud. Again, you did nothing wrong.
You can tell us or talk to us about anything on here. We wopnt judge you or be horrid because you seem like a lovely king young lady. *hugs*
Please don't think you're a worthless slut, don't give him that pleasure. He's a jerk, and what he did to you is unacceptable!!
