Im not coping that well.

[FranticMind]

I dont know what to say,

Firstly i just want to say that yes I know I am a Chat Mod and i shouldnt be asking for support for this reason, but here goes:

my CPN came today and literally shouted at me for going to costa with my support worker when she said i should be going to groups, im sorry but its my time to do whatever i want.
She also said that im not suitable for high level supported housing as i can take my meds properly and can cook and shop etc. which has really bummed me out as i cant live in this house, because:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering.

this is the house where i was raped and abused by my uncle, she doesnt seem to understand that

so now i cant move out like i want to, i cant cope with being on my own so thats not an option.

Also im really struggling with my weight, since recovering from bulimia i ahve been binging on mcdonalds every single day for the past 2 weeks, its costing me a fortune >.<
My CPN suggested going to weightwatchers but counting calories etc reminds me of when i was IP for bulimia for 2 years, and i dont want to go back there.

im also struggling with suicidal thoughts. i have a date and a time, the whereabouts and a reason to give my mum so i can get out of the house, i have 2 methods that i am going to do together to better my chances of killing myself. i dont feel able to tell my CPN about this as she wont take it seriously and she will just brush it off.

Finally, this is the first christmas that i will be spending at home for two years as i was IP for the last two christmases, its going to be a real shock to the system having christmas dinner with my family and opening presents with everyone as i cant remember what it feels like.

im sorry this is so long but i need help and hugs, thank you for reading x

[sherlock holmes]

I don't really understand why your CPN shouted at you for going to costa with your support worker. I used to go to costa every week with my CPN because it 1) got me out of the house 2) worked on my anxiety and 3) was a good place to talk

And you're right, it's your space to do what you want. I hope you're able to tell your CPN that you find it helpful.

Sorry to hear that you're not suitable for supported housing. Is there anyone you can get a second opinion from? Maybe get in contact with your local citizens advice bureau? You mentioned it was higher level supported housing, would you be eligible for lower level support housing instead?

I struggle with my weight also, primarily binging. I was a member of weight watcher for the past year, but to be honest it made my binging worse because you're constantly having to think about what you eat and record it down etc. Instead I now have realised that dieting makes my binging worse, so I've stopped dieting and am instead working on intuitive eating- eating when hungry and stopping when full. Maybe it's something you can look in to?

When is the date? If you can't tell your CPN can you tell your support worker instead?

I know what you mean about it being weird at home, I spent 2 christmasses IP and it took me a while to get used to being at home. If you need space I suggest chilling in your room for a while or going for a walk.

[x-Silvermist-x]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. What group did she want you to attend? Did the time that you met with your support worker clash with a group?

Is there medium level supported housing available? Any other supported housing? What about a house share?

I can understand that counting calories wouldn't be helpful. Do you still have access to a dietician? If not, would your CPN be able to make a recommendation for you to see someone?

Is there anyone you feel able to confide in about your suicidal thoughts/plans? I think it's really important you let someone know.

I think Christmas can be a difficult time for many people. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I think there's a Christmas support thread on one of the boards.

(((HUGS))) x

[Copernicus]

Your CPN doesn't sound much help - at least not at the moment.

Do you feel able to tell your support worker about your suicidal plans (if you can't tell the CPN)? It sounds serious and maybe deep down you'd like some help for it.

Can the support worker/CPN look into lower level/ medium supported housing? It definitely sounds like you need to move out. In the long run it's not good to be in high support if you can manage with less as it can get in the way of your building up more independence.

I think you're right weight watchers is a bit dodgy when you have an eating disorder history. Sounds like you need encouragement to eat more healthy meals - but without thinking about the calories.

I think a lot of people will be pleased to get Christmas out of the way!

[Patent Pending]

Hey Kat,

First of all; we all need help and support at times. Being a Mod or whatever on here doesn't change that.

I too don't really understand why your CPN shouted at your for going to Costa with your SW. If it helped you to do that then that's okay. What kind of groups did she think you should be attending?

Is there any other supported housing you can look at? I completely understand you not being able to stay in the house where that happened, and your CPN should understand that too. Do you think you could explain that you don't think she understands it fully?

Could you perhaps keep your money/card somewhere hard to get to so you don't go out and get a McDonalds? Or perhaps draw up some gentle meal plans to try to stick to? Not sticking to calories etc, just the food types?

Could you explain to your CPN that you feel suicidal and explain that sometimes it feels like she brushes it off and doesn't take you seriously, but also explain it does feel very intense and serious to you.

Could you plan some relaxed alone time during the festive period to give yourself a break and allow you to ease into the time with families etc.

*massive hugs*

x x x

[FranticMind]

thank you for the replies everyone, it means a lot x

she wants me to attend groups where i will meet people my own age, like cooking groups which i already attend.

regarding the eating problems, i can request to see a dietician through the CMHT so i might go for that, it might help.

i got a letter through today to start CBT which i think will be helpful for me.

[Patent Pending]

Well, if you're going to a group then she shouldn't be able to moan if you do other things. It's understandable for her to want you to meet others your age etc, but you also need support too.

I think speaking to a dietician could be helpful. Even if is just to set up healthy eating techniques.

I hope CBT helps, it sounds like it might :)

x x x

[FranticMind]

im really struggling tonight, the voices wont shut up. i had a good day today aswell with my support worker, its just at night that i struggle the most.

i want to kill myself, i have had enough of living. the voices have given me the second of january to kill myself and i think i want to do it, im scared of dying but i have 2 methods that wont fail.

[x-Silvermist-x]

Hi, I know it has been a while since you posted, I just wanted to see how your evening has been? Have you been able to distract yourself from thoughts/voices?

Are you taking medication to help with the voices? If so, maybe a medication review might be helpful as the dose may need to be increased.

I really urge you to talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts/plans.

x

[FranticMind]

i managed to ring the out of hours crisis team, they werent helpful, they just told me to have a cup of tea; which i have been having all day and night.

im really struglling tonight, i feel really unsafe, a&e is not an option because its too far away and the buses have stopped now.

[Patent Pending]

Hey Kat,

Well done for calling Crisis - I'm sorry to hear they weren't helpful. I know it can be frustrating when you build up the courage to call someone and they don't help you.

Is there anyone else you could call? The OOH doctors or a helpline to talk things through with?

In the meantime, we're here to support you as much as we can.

*hugs*

x x x

[sherlock holmes]

If you need to get to A&E and public transport is not an option then ring 999 for an ambulance. It might seem drastic to you, but that is preferable than hurting yourself, so please ring if you feel unsafe.

[Patent Pending]

Hey Kat,

How are you doing today?

I hope things got easier a little last night <3

x x x

[FranticMind]

i lost my bankcard yesterday so i havent been able to go out which really sucks, since being locked up in IP for two years i made sure that i got out everday, even just for a walk to the shop, but i have had no money so i cant.

the voices are loud tonight, they keep talking through memories of when i was being abused by my uncle, when he assaulted me in the car, when he raped me on the landing, when he made me touch him in the bathroom. it really does suck being me tonight.

[Patch.]

Hey Kat <3

I am so sorry things are so shitty right now and I think you are coping with it really well. I'm sorry you're experiencing memories of abuse, those truely are one of the worst kind. Can you do something soothing to help cope with the memories like cuddling up safe in bed (if you feel safe there), watching a funny tv program?

Sorry that OOH weren't helpful. Having a cup of tea isn't always going to solve things so I get the frustration. How do you feel about phoning a helpline like Samaritans?

x

[Patent Pending]

Hey Kat,

Sorry last night was so distressing for you.

How are things now?

x x x

[LittleCloud]

I'm a volunteer telephone counsellor- it's ok to have your own problem and a credit to you that you do not bring them in when you have others. I wish I had more I could say to help but am having a really sucky time too *hugs*. It sounds very unfair- I find being a support worker that organisations are often very unfair to their clients

[Patent Pending]

How has today been for you Kat?

x x x

[Patch.]

Hope you're ok Kat x

[sherlock holmes]

Thinking of you, hope you're feeling a bit better.