Contains sexual abuse - What if he didn't know it was rape?
As I do I've been reading articles about consent to try and reaffirm that I didn't give consent and by being constantly pressured and my "I have to go now" messages ignored he was not getting any real consent, even after I froze and went through with it.
Today I was reading this from a blog post "Only Yes means Yes: why sometimes what you think of consensual sex is actually rape". Below is an exerpt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Everday Feminist article
So remember ignoring their “no” is a violation of a person’s autonomy and body and subsequently equals rape.The bottom line between consensual sex and rape is this – both parties should actively want to have sex and express their willingness to participate to each other.If this doesn’t happen but sex does, then it’s rape. Because as famed feminist author*Jessica Valenti*says – only*yes truly means yes.
And if you feel like this isn’t important to consider when having sex, remember that it doesn’t matter if you didn’t “intend” to rape someone.The other person still feels raped and will have to deal with the trauma for maybe the rest of their lives. And you may be charged with sexual assault.So is this something you really don’t want to be clear on?
My question is, if he didn't realise it was wrong is it fair for me to say he raped me and to be sharing this opinion with others?
Part of me remembers how he inappropriately touched me sexually on a dance floor several years ago. And on the night he raped me I moved away as he grabbed my bum - which he did not have permission to do. He exposed himself while we were hugging or kissing in the hallway and tried to get inside me even though I never said that was ok and I'm fairly sure I told him not to touch me there. But then I froze and went to his bedroom (saying one more time I should go home and he assured me it wouldn't take long) and we had sex.
I don't want to be wrongly accusing him over a misunderstanding but at the same time it was clear I was uninterested and wanting to leave.
He thought he was just being persistent. So should I not say he raped me?
Please be gentle in your replies, I'm feeling vulnerable.
Last edited by Snow White. : 31-10-2014 at 02:29 PM.
This is something I've considered a lot. I'm sorry I can't make what I want to say make sense. I will try to come back to this. I might PM you if that is ok??
One thing I will say is ignorance of what actually counts as consent shouldn't be an excuse to force yourself on someone. I think you are within your right to say what you feel. You never know it might make him think twice about whether his next sexual partner is a willing partner.
Let's do some basic role reversal here. What if you were in his position, and the person you were cozying up to was putting out those kind of signals? Personally, I would be taking the hint loud and clear.
Sometimes it's hard to speak up when you feel like you don't have a voice. But, just because the assault didn't happen like it does in the movies, doesn't make it any less valid. Playing stupid, which is what it sounds like he was doing, does not make harming another person acceptable. And furthermore, he took it one step past playing stupid, and actually committed himself to the lie by pressuring you. His past behavior does not make him seem any more innocent, either.
M'dear, I know this must be tearing you up inside, but you need to let go of these emotions so you can heal. It seems as if you are reversing the blame back to yourself. It's okay, I get it - that can be way easier to deal with. But in the end, it is not healthy and will get you nowhere.
I guess I just needed to hear something else because you're right all this doubt is torturing me and it's easy to get stuck in my head.
I don't really want to reverse the blame even though my head is doing it anyway I guess I'm scared of putting him through all the blame but him thinking I'm making it all up. Which is stupid because he hurt me and he's done it before. He doesn't deserve my consideration.
And yes, if I was in his position I would have backed away at the reluctance of my partner to engage in sex.
I hope that last message you wrote above has helped with sorting out your conflicting emotions.
I agree that you did show reluctance very clearly and that should be enough of a signal to make the guy understand that you don't want to, without you having to shout at him NO...
Are you in any contact with him now? I hope not...
<3: Muru
Muruluisku - my big sister's pet name for me, she also calls me her little shadow because I'm quiet and followed her everywhere when I was little. I may be quiet, but happy to listen, hold your hand and hold on, riding the storms with you.
I have had similar experiences where I have not had the confidence to totally withdraw myself from the situation but like you have shown clearly that I was not interested. I think that you are right to think it was wrong of him to continue but it also sounds like you're thinking he might not have seen it this way?
I remember he was a friend of your brothers and other friends, is there any way you could safely find out how he saw things if you feel this would be helpful to you?
Either way your feelings were no, your actions showed you weren't interested and his continuing wasn't the right thing for him to do. It's complicated to try work these situations out in your head though- I realise that
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I think you were as clear as need be. Frankly I find it ridiculous that you have to do SO MUCH to have it count as a no in a sexual circumstance when that standard is literally never applied anywhere else.
I think he saw your "soft nos" and saw that he could get away with it. And that if he were confronted other people (and your own self doubt) would back him up.
Persistent. His words.
He admits he was pushing you. There is no equal consent there. You were reluctant he picked up on that, he persisted beyond which you were okay with. He assaulted you sexually, that is rape.
It seems he saw it at the time as persistance as if thats ok, but his behaviour is presumptuous not questions, you made it clear you wanted to go home. I think that says no sex! Or stop here at least, and he didn't. Maybe he made a mistake, I don't know him but from the way he has tried to excuse himself upon hearing your version of events I'm inclined to see him as knowingly in the wrong.
I agree with Miss Anonymous- by "persisting" he pushed far beyond your comfort zone and just because you did not fight back or say no verbally he ignored the obvious physical signs this was not what you wanted. In that it is sexual assault. If he is confused about this, I know in Australia there is a lot of literature/pamphlets about this kind of assault- and because you said no with your body, it's not ok. I know Miss Anonymous said it all, but I hope it's ok to agree with/support both you and her in this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Perfectly okay! I really appreciate any support, doubt has a way of blinding you to facts so the more people I have helping me out, the more evidence I have to combat doubts and bad feelings. Seriously every word is powerful, and I thank you and everyone on this thread for taking the time to help me.
I understand- I remember trying to sort out similar stuff in my head when my sister in law assaulted me- it was, and is often insinuated that by inviting someone to do one thing i.e. spend an evening together, means the rest is ok but if it's not ok with you it's not. Doubt does have a way of binding you- I feel it too with so much- but you did not invite him to do this and the fact that he had to "persist" to get you to do something you felt unable to refuse at the time says that. Do you have any counselling support for this Ames? It's screwy what our heads try to make of this stuff sometimes
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you can relate but thank you for sharing. I do see a sexual assault counselor and she is amazing. I don't know that I've seen her since starting this thread so I'll bring it up with her tomorrow. She's really really good at reassurance.
