I feel like I'm a total anomaly here (in A&BS) because I wasn't raped or severely bullied or intentionally abused (I think).
But I was just wondering about three things that have happened to me and have strongly influenced my life.
The first thing chronologically was when I was 7-ish until I was 12. I am a boy, and my cousin, a boy (who was 8-ish to 13 during that time) involved me in a twisted game that was sexual and playactingly violent. I didn't resist, thought it was a fun, secret game. Since my parents are very conservative, and considered Star Wars and Pokemon as negative influences (thus, had to keep quiet about them) I saw what we were doing as yet another innocent thing that my parents wouldn't understand.
This wound up really influencing my behavior and mind, I wound up involving other people in this game before we were discovered and I was sent to my first shrink... before I actually started to realize how horrible everything was.
I distinctly remember, at twelve years -- after my cousin said, "This is kinda gay" and told me we weren't doing it any more -- trying to figure out ways to start it again.
It's influenced my sexuality, my gender identity, and my idea of relationships. I can understand "the right way" to do things, but it doesn't wind up making me feel any different.
The second thing was my mom. I guess this was sort of at the same time, and continuing to the present day, but she's always been a control freak. She starts ranting and blaming people whenever things go wrong. Sometimes she's perfectly normal, but at other times she turns into the devil. Fortunately, she's gotten her physical anger under control -- I remember her chasing me around the house to spank me for something I did -- but she still yells at my sisters constantly for everything. She wasn't intentionally trying to harm us in any way, but I feel from my end of things, that my experience was as a victim of abuse.
The third thing is perhaps the strangest.
I just graduated a few months ago from "John Doe" Public High School. I had transfered there after running away and spending a month on outpatient mental hospitalization. Before going to "JD"HS, I went to "Salvation" Academy, a private school. It was a catholic high school, and the religious pressure was enormous... ironic, because those who didn't follow the rules managed to be popular, in charge, honored. It was totally corrupt. Both the faculty and the students were very biased against those who weren't rich, Catholic, popular, and good-looking. I remember at one point, sitting in class and scratching at a vein in my arm with a pen, trying to cut it so I could just die. I failed miserably, didn't even break the skin. But I'd say that experience was emotionally abusive. I was abused by a school?
I don't know precisely why I'm saying this, but I'm wondering what you have to say about this.
Perhaps I'm just a really weak person, whose every experience winds up hurting. But I think that I was treated unfairly... I don't know.
"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."
While I know we have terms for different experiences, I do believe that a lot of it depends on our own individual perception of feelings and events - what is seen as normal for one person could be quite traumatic for someone else.
About the "game" you played - if something is presented in that way, then you're most likely going to see it as something normal.
And having a control freak for a parent, while not technically abuse, makes it damn hard with the underlying pressures from living with them.
I don't think any of this made sense, but I hope you find clarity in your mind. Take care xxx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Hi, I know you started this thread quite a while ago, but I've only just seen it. Just wanted to let you know that I had the same 'game' thing happen with me (except I'm a girl, and so was the other person), but I remember that I didn't like it at all, I just didn't have the courage to speak up often. It has confused me for years since, I have no idea whether it was abuse or not, and I've always blamed myself for not saying no enough.
It has affected me quite deeply, mainly because I think other people would think that 'Oh, it was nothing, I'm sure everyone has that at some time or other', and other people go through much worse, and therefore people would think I was weak for letting it mess me up this much. So I understand what you're saying about being an anomaly. I'm afraid I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I've had the same experiance and am confused about it.
You are not a weak person at all. The things you go through always mold who you are in some way, they way I like to think of it is, everything you have ever been through has made you who you are today, and you are a wonderful person. I don't know how happy you are in your everyday life, but if for nothing else be proud that you are here using your experiances to help other people. Don't feel like anything you went through is "not as bad" as some other things other people have gone through, it's about the way it has effected you and made you feel and you have every right to feel anger and pain over it. Please take care of yourself, if you ever need to talk, pm me.
CrossroadsAndBrokenHearts I wasn't sure whether you were aiming that at me or Kallisti, but I'm going to reply and thank you anyway because it made me feel better even if it wasn't meant for me, if you see what I mean
