i have taken a backwards slide. i have allowed and even encouraged this.
i know what i want my life to look like and feel like and be like, and most of it is within my reach. i just won't allow myself to pursue it. i sort of know why (fear of success, feelings of undeserving, etc), but i'm not sure how to change the paralysis.
"less talking, more doing" plays on repeat in my head, but i can't seem to follow it. i'm also struck by "your beliefs don't make you a better person. your behavior does." very fitting since i can envision how i want to live and am capable of doing so, but don't act accordingly.. i hardly believe in stealing, cutting, binging, skipping school/work/therapy, avoiding loved ones, drinking, generally depriving myself of things that make me happy, and so on..
i do manage to control these things and even pursue my passions for a period of time, but it never lasts. i want to be well and make a difference in this world.. i even know what i need to do to fulfill those things! every day that i'm not well and continue to be a burden rather than a help brings me further shame and guilt, further feelings of undeserving and self-punishment, and further paralysis... why won't i change? how can i undo this cycle?
thank you for simply reading <3 questions, advice, and challenges welcome.
Someday we will say:
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which [s]he has overcome."
I can understand how you are feeling - it can be a scary thing when you have a clear vision in your head about what you want to do with your life and career, it can seem so very daunting at first. It might scare you that things could go wrong, but if you are determined, as it appears you are, you will achieve them - it will just take time.
Unfortunatley, the only advice I can give you is that if you take things step by step and break them down without looking at the bigger picture, might make things easier for you. But apart from that, there's not much advice I'm afraid apart from saying start where you need to and go from there. That's the only way you will be able to overcome this, I think, to just jump in there and go for it.
I'm sure you will do brilliantly!
Good Luck & Take Care.
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement :]
I think the part that is hardest for me is allowing myself to take those steps. I want so badly to move on and out of the hole I've been put in, and then got stuck in, and am now making myself stay in. I'm sure it's partly fear but also thinking that I don't deserve more? Part of me knows better but it's not been enough. I've been spiraling down pretty hard pretty fast lately and it's terrifying me. I'm not sure how to make myself stop. I guess nobody will stop anything until he or she truly wants to do so... Typically once the bottom is reached. I don't want to go down there again, I guess that's why I'm here and asking for help :\
Someday we will say:
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which [s]he has overcome."
I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. After a re-read this all sounds so convoluted. I know what I want and I know how to get it, and I even think I can, I just won't let myself do it and I'm not sure why. And I don't know how to change that. I feel incredibly ungrateful for saying so but it's making me hate my life, hate myself, which makes it even harder to mobilize myself. I live in shame and fear and guilt and undeserving... Though I want to be well I won't let it happen... I am my own worst enemy...
Someday we will say:
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which [s]he has overcome."
It makes sense to me. I don't really have any advice right now, since I'm in a similar place in life...but I just wanted to post and let you know you're not alone. I know that's not very helpful, sorry. =/
To The Light My blog on "Mercy Ministries, mental illness, self-injury & other important topics."
I completely understand how you feel. But like I said, refraining yourself from taking the first step time after time, will keep making you feel worse and worse. It's hard to get over any fear for anyone, so I know this is hard for you. Remind yourself every day that you do deserve getting where you want in life, and having the amazing career that you have chosen. Because it's true, you deserve so much, and it's great that you are asking help! It shows how much you want this career and that you are very determined, please don't let your fear stop you from doing something you want, and love.
Can I ask what is it that you are scared of? If we tackle that, it might help you on that first step to your career.
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
I completely understand how you feel. But like I said, refraining yourself from taking the first step time after time, will keep making you feel worse and worse. It's hard to get over any fear for anyone, so I know this is hard for you. Remind yourself every day that you do deserve getting where you want in life, and having the amazing career that you have chosen. Because it's true, you deserve so much, and it's great that you are asking help! It shows how much you want this career and that you are very determined, please don't let your fear stop you from doing something you want, and love.
Can I ask what is it that you are scared of? If we tackle that, it might help you on that first step to your career.
Thank you so much for your reply <3
It's very frustrating in that I know and understand (cognitively) what you are saying. I can see for myself that things are getting worse and worse. And yet..
I know that I am afraid of failing, of not being good enough. I am also afraid of succeeding - in the past that has resulted in abandonment and alienation by friends and family. That part of me would rather hide my talents than risk being alone again. And part of me believes I don't deserve it anyway.
***MAY TRIGGER*** I also have a sense that I was told to sit in a corner and STAY THERE until I am given permission to move. (I am an abuse survivor but I only remember in pieces - sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally, but not yet narratively.) I feel like I am waiting for someone to give me permission to move on. I also know that moving on will require remembering and also telling, and I am profoundly terrified of both of those things. I know that I will have to do so in order to heal, but at this point the fear is just absolutely overwhelming.
Cognitively, I am quite capable of school and work and such. But I am still in pieces and the other parts of me (emotional, inner child, etc) are still too scared to move. So my cognitive brain, which functions quite well, is very impatient and frustrated with all of the hold-up and abuses myself quite a bit ("look at all this time and energy you are wasting, you are a tremendous burden when you should really be giving back," and other much nastier things on repeat). So paralysis sets in further... Which of course triggers flashbacks, which then set me back further..
I'm sorry, I know this is convoluted and maybe bizarre and that maybe there's no real advice for me. The only way is through. I just feel like I need to put this out there. I don't know why.
Regardless, thank you for listening/reading <3
Someday we will say:
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which [s]he has overcome."
