Am I alone in this?

sunnyskies16 · 25-09-2014, 04:51 AM

Hi, For awhile now I have been feeling very embarrassed, alone, ashamed, pressured, sad and like "it will never happen to me" about sex with a man. I mean I'm 23 and I mean come on. At this point is it ever going to happen to me? Now I have done other sexual things, but I've never actually had regular sexual intercourse with a man. I'm so ashamed and scared. I'm scared it will never happen to me and at the same time I'm afraid to do it. I'm afraid of the pain. I mean come on women it isn't exactly a cake walk the first time. I'm afraid I'll be made fun of from whomever about being a virgin. I don't know how to conquer these fears because I think they a contributing to it. Does anyone see the bright side of this situation? Also, am I the only women who is 23 and is still a virgin? I mean I feel like I'm not even an adult.

I have to admit it is a little more complicated for me. It's more complicated because I primarily am attracted to women, but I still want to have sex with a man to rule out if I like them too or not. I also want to get the experience, but at the same time not (no what I mean?) I'm so confused with my sexuality right now it's driving me nuts, but that's another story.

Anyway please I need all the advice I can get. Women especially, but men too.

Thank you!

Amaranth · 25-09-2014, 06:15 PM

There's no shame in that. A lot of women still wait until they're married before having sex. My first boyfriend was 26 before he had sex.
I think most men like it if a woman has 'saved herself' as they feel more privileged that you have chosen them for your first time.

sunnyskies16 · 25-09-2014, 06:59 PM

I know it's a turn on for men and maybe that is something good that can come out of this situation, but I still am ashamed. Also, you said that a lot of women save themselves for marriage, but I'm losing hope that I'm ever going to have a serious relationship or get married at this point. I mean I've only been in about 2 relationships and I don't even really count them.

BridgesAndBalloons · 25-09-2014, 08:26 PM

I don't think being a virgin at 23 is anything to be ashamed of, lots of people don't lose their virginity until their 20's. Having sex for the first time shouldn't be intimidating, scary or painful, you shouldn't have to worry about your partner ridiculing you. If you're worried those things may happen it may well be that you're with the wrong person.

If you're with someone who respects you, is willing to take things as slowly as you want to, and who you feel comfortable and safe with, then it's likely not going to be a bad experience. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.

As a kind of side note, it might be worth having a think about what the word virgin means to you. Personally I would describe myself as being a virgin before I'd had sex with a man. Now hypothetically, for a homosexual woman that meaning might not fit, because they might describe themselves being a virgin before they'd had sex with a woman, so by my meaning they'd still be a virgin which wouldn't make sense for their use of the word virgin (if that makes sense?)

I think the term "virgin" can have differing meanings based on each persons personal beliefs, some might not describe themselves as being a virgin even though they've not had "full" sex with another person. It all depends on your own thoughts and opinions sometimes.

sunnyskies16 · 25-09-2014, 11:02 PM

I agree with you in theory, but I'm not so sure in practice. On a different note I understand what you mean about each person defining the word "virgin" differently. I've thought about that too. However, for myself I define it as sex with a man, but for others I understand it could be different for those who don't identify as heterosexual. Why I have a different expectation for myself than others I don't know. I guess I'm hardest on myself and hold myself to a higher standard than others.

Isoverity · 26-09-2014, 01:28 AM

Its a modern thing to see sex as recreational/social. There is a psychic bonding that goes on with sex and that's why its so destructive when its associated with abuse. Its really not something to play with or have linked to some sort of schedule. People upset about not having had sex yet are suffering from peer pressure.

sunnyskies16 · 28-09-2014, 05:59 PM

That is not what I meant at all. I understand the sensitivity behind sexual abuse and I'm not playing with it at all. I take sex very seriously and if you noticed I did say above that one of the things I was feeling about it was pressure. However, it's not the only thing I'm feeling.

Patent Pending · 29-09-2014, 12:19 PM

Hey there,

I know this can be a very difficult situation and confusing feelings to have. It is worth remembering though that people experience these things at different times in their lives. I know a few people who are adults and still virgins, some older than you.

Anyone you do end up getting intimate with should respect you enough to not have a negative opinion about you being a virgin - if they criticise you for it, they're not a person you should be in that position with.

I hope at some point you're able to accept yourself and know that when it's the right time you'll have this experience too.

x x x

sunnyskies16 · 30-09-2014, 12:09 AM

Thanks Katie for the advice and support. It means more than you could know.