I can’t keep fighting

[agistheocean]

I have no energy left to keep fighting. It’s been a year of suicidal thoughts constantly, and it’s such bull because I have no reason to be this way. My husband is loving, I have children who need me.

Every day I wake up and wish I hadn’t. I just want to not exist anymore. I know I need treatment desperately. I know I’m in crisis. But we can’t afford health insurance, and the state I live in won’t help me get any healthcare because I’m healthy and poor, and healthy poor people don’t deserve state help. I’m rural, and the nearest city doesn’t have anywhere that offers mental health services to poor people at a discount, and I can’t afford to drive to a big city that does. I tried getting therapy through a service my church offers, and was told that I was toouch in crisis for them to help. So here I am, actively suicidal, self-harming, and with no way to get treatment.

I’ve been isolating myself for more than five years, so the only person o have to talk to is my husband and I can’t bring myself to talk to him because it upsets him so much.

I can’t keep fighting this off. I’ve relapsed into cutting after 3 years to keep some of the thoughts away, but they come back. They always do.

I don’t even know why I’m posting here. My anxiety is so bad that the chances of me reading any replies is slim to none because I’ll just have a panic attack f I did.

I’m so tired. I just want everything to end.

[Accidentally Abstract]

I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you recently.

I've no advice but I wanted to let you know that I read this, you're not alone & that there's always someone out there to talk to, even if that doesn't feel like enough sometimes. If you feel comfortable posting here & it helps, do it.

I'm sorry you live somewhere which makes it impossible for you to obtain professional support. There are some charities who have email facilities if you feel like talking to someone but you're not comfortable calling a helpline. & even though it might upset your husband to hear how much you're struggling, I'm sure he'd hate to know that you were struggling so much but feeling like you couldn't open up to him.

Take care x

[Straight 3]

I also live a life of (almost) complete isolation these days, and while I'm ok with that.. I do see how it is unhealthy in some ways. We miss out on a lot. Right now, I'm not ready so I worry little about it and work on improving myself instead and give myself a break.

I'll be honest, I'm also poor and have had to rely on church charities to get by with the bare basics to get by. They are usually nice so long as you make an effort to show good intent. They were helpful to me for many years and I have no complaints when other avenues were unavailable to me. I have limited insurance now so you learn to be crafty to finagle your way into services.. feels like a game sometimes. Squeaky wheel gets the oil and never just accept NO for an answer.

I'm sorry, I wish I had more to offer. Maybe another time I'll come back with something more.

Don't give up or lose hope that things could turn around. I was dealt a bad hand in this life, and I still hope my luck with change someday if I hang in there long enough.

Day-by-day.. small steps count.

[Straight 3]

Sometimes even lacking in energy, motivation and determination can get you through.. does for me when I'm drained.

I don't know what state you live in (I assume you're in the US), I would check to see if you can't get on a bare bones basic health plan, there are still some states that have plans for low prices. It won't cover much but might help getting your foot in the door. Knock on all doors and take never take no for an answer. People tell me NO before they even know what I'm asking often times. I would check out community health care options, again, not ideal, but you only agree to what you can afford. Tell them you are depressed and feel hopeless at time, sometimes they can recommend places that will take you on a sliding-scale fee based.

Good luck and I hope you will find some help because you deserve it as much as anybody rich or poor.