Ugh. I feel so crap about myself. I know I'm not a bad person, but I have done some really, really sucky things. My mental health and the results of being weird (being detained, restrained etc) have really, really battered my self-esteem. I feel so awful. I'm writing some things down as I have a psychiatrist appointment next Wednesday and I have no idea what to say to get my point across.
Can you ask for therapy, not to directly deal with the mental health stuff, but to deal with the aftermath of being acutely unwell? Is that a waste of resources? I dread to think how much money has been spent on me in the past. It's not that I blame mental health services at all (they have saved my life. Well, there was one Priory a few years ago that was horrendous), more that I just hate this fucking disorder and what I've done in response to it. It distorts my thoughts. It makes me think things that aren't true. It makes me hear things that aren't there. It steals the words from my head. It's shit.
I'm considering calling the crisis team because I really, really don't feel good, but I've called them a few times recently and I really shouldn't. I feel so sick. What can they say though, really? Other than "talk to your CC on Tuesday." I just hate it all. Like, really, really hate it. I'm not suicidal, but I do genuinely thing it would be easier if I just went to heaven.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I'm sorry you've been through so much and feel so bad about yourself. You're very right that you're not a bad person, and MH problems can make it very difficult to regulate your emotions, thoughts, and actions when you're in a crisis period. I can understand your feelings towards yourself, I think, because it's related to your reactions etc but I think you try very hard to stay well and you wouldn't do some things that you may have done through illness when you are well. Being restrained and detained etc is traumatic, no wonder things like that stick in your mind and make you feel awful. Maybe it would be helpful for you to discuss what has happened and your feelings about that as you are holding it inside and ruminating a lot it seems. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to speak to someone because your MH has affected a lot and those experiences in turn affect your MH. It might be good to sort of debrief with someone, talk about things and get their objective professional and human opinions, let things out safely.
I think you should try and speak to your psychiatrist when you see them on Wednesday, copy what you've written here if you think it explains things. Maybe they will have some ideas. There could be specific therapy for trauma like this or they might suggest you speak to someone who is already involved in your treatment who you trust. There's no reason why you shouldn't phone the crisis team even if you don't think they can tell you something concrete to do that will help. Sometimes having a chat can stop things escalating and that's a lot of what crisis is there to do. I know having a mental illness is hard work and really shit at times, I hear you. I hope you can build up the better times.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you so much, Lindsay. I did end up phoning crisis and they were kind.
I just... I don't know. There are no redeeming features of this crap. I smell. My house is a shit hole. I barely hold down a part-time job. I'm self-pitying. Woe. Woe is me.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
It's ok to be self pitying as you put it, you are acknowledging what you are unhappy with (unhappy is maybe a mild way of putting it) and who wouldn't be unhappy with some of that stuff? You put in a great effort and sometimes can't see the benefits, it does suck. But have you considered your strengths and what you continue to fight through? I know things aren't great at the moment but are there small things that make you feel better? Things don't always have to be like this. Have there been better times in the past? What would you like for your future? You are worth loads.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
There have definitely been better times in the past. Seeing my Mum helps. Church usually helps, but there was a service today and I didn't feel very present. I just felt a bit blank really. I don't know. Cuddling up with the cat helps. I just want to be back to normal. My normal. Bleurgh.
My future? I future free of 'episodes' or at least free of ones that land me in hospital. I would also like to be a medicines management pharmacy technician, but I can't do that without being able to work full-time, so who knows if/when that's going to happen.
I phoned my Mum crying and she came round to see me. We went out for a drive and had hot chocolate from the Costa drive through.
She said that I have made progress. That I've held a job for five and a half years, when I had a different job every six months before that, in between spells in hospital.
She said that I keep my flat up together, even though it's difficult, when even three years ago I would be living with pizza boxes and flies, and once got kicked out of a shared house because the rubbish was as high as my bed. That I look after Alec the Cat really well, when I struggled to look after my rats in my old place. That I sit in my front room now, whereas a year ago if I felt like this I would be hiding in my bedroom with the door closed. That I completed my OU course whereas a couple of years ago I would have just quit and said I couldn't do it.
She said she doesn't think I've really recovered properly from the Summer and being in hospital and stuff, because usually I'm more resilient than this. I guess it has only been three months since I was discharged. That's not that long in the grand scheme of things, I suppose. I don't know.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Your Mum has pointed out some truly great achievements. I know that it's easier to focus on what you don't have and what you feel you can't do and might never do but looking at all you have managed shows just how much you have moved forward. That does give hope for further progress. Do you know what you need to recover some more from the summer etc? You are doing this, sometimes it just takes a bit of time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
