One moment I was one person, the next another. But not another, because it was still me. It was like memories of how I've behaved and how I looked (how I thought I looked) had created a version of me that was like that behaviour all the time. So when I was out at the pub with friends, relaxed and holding the room well. Good conversation and making people laugh... That was one moment in a series of moments in that day. But in my dream I had become that behaviour set as a person. But it was still me. In the dreams, it wasn't that I needed to act confident or be a certain way when these switches happen... it was random and incomprehensible and I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep because I do not know who I am when I wake up. Even though I remember than it's all me. It's just me. But I don't know what me is.
Then it started happening whilst I was awake. The memories follow throughout but it feels like a book with chapters told from different versions of myself.
Is this what other people are like? Is there a spinner of actions and movements and ways of holding the body that you select in each given situation? Is the switch into these situations always such a sudden and uncomfortable thing? I feel like I'm glitching. Or is this normal and I'm not used to being myself yet?
Have you ever been screened for any dissociative disorder? If you already see someone and have not had tests for these or had anyone look into the possibility, could you ask your doctor (or any other professional you may be seeing) to check it out?
Many therapists, etc. are not trained to look for dissociative experiences, which is why I ask. They often go overlooked.
I have been told I have had dissociative episodes before. Losing time, not feeling real, not feeling human. I'm not aware of having been screened for anything in particular, but I wasn't aware of a lot back then.
I'm pretty sure I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, so I can ask.
It's not that I'm separated from me (though I frequently experience something like this}, it's that it feels like their are loads of different versions of me all switching to suit the situation. I don't know who I really am. If I'm anyone.
I do not feel like I am supposed to be in this world. I don't feel like I am a human. Surely you shouldn't be so co fused by your own mind?
I have been told I have had dissociative episodes before. Losing time, not feeling real, not feeling human. I'm not aware of having been screened for anything in particular, but I wasn't aware of a lot back then.
I'm pretty sure I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, so I can ask.
It's not that I'm separated from me (though I frequently experience something like this}, it's that it feels like their are loads of different versions of me all switching to suit the situation. I don't know who I really am. If I'm anyone.
I do not feel like I am supposed to be in this world. I don't feel like I am a human. Surely you shouldn't be so co fused by your own mind?
I can relate to everything you said. I haven't really lost time, but I've had dissociative episodes where it felt like I was living in a fog or in a dream, didn't feel like I was real.
I too feel like I am not human. I've described it to people with the verse "I should have been a pair of ragged claws". I feel like maybe people think I'm human but it's all a mistake and I'm actually something else entirely, not meant to be here. My girlfriend suggested it might be a delusion, but I'm not sure where the threshold is between depersonalisation and delusions.
Bringing all this up with your psychiatrist sounds like a good idea. They might have some notes from before and could be able to help you with it, perhaps give you a diagnosis and help you understand it all a bit better.
Do grounding techniques help at all? They sometimes help me, but not with the "inhuman" feeling.
I know we both spent a considerable portion of our lives arguing with professionals that you didn't have BPD(!) but could this be sort of linked with 'unstable sense of self' in the context of ye olde BPD?
I think it's usual to an extend to have different 'versions' of yourself that come out in different circumstances, but not to the level that you feel as though you don't know yourself. I think it's probably also quite normal for someone with a history of various traumas like yourself to be particularly unsure of your identity as you have probably often tried to be whatever it feels safest to be in any new situation. Unsure if I am making any sense here, apologies if not!
How would you describe who you are? Maybe it would help to explore what you feel defines you as a person and what character traits are really important to you, to help you start to have a clearer sense of identity 'sense of self'. Are there any DBT skils that you can remember that relate to self-identity?
It sounds a bit to me without trying to diagnose like depersonalization or derealization, both of which are types of dissociation. I can relate, and I know if I get in specific situations I often act differently than I would in other situations. I guess just in general grounding never hurts, but also speaking to treatment providers about it if you have an opportunity could not hurt either.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I know we both spent a considerable portion of our lives arguing with professionals that you didn't have BPD(!) but could this be sort of linked with 'unstable sense of self' in the context of ye olde BPD?
I think it's usual to an extend to have different 'versions' of yourself that come out in different circumstances, but not to the level that you feel as though you don't know yourself. I think it's probably also quite normal for someone with a history of various traumas like yourself to be particularly unsure of your identity as you have probably often tried to be whatever it feels safest to be in any new situation. Unsure if I am making any sense here, apologies if not!
How would you describe who you are? Maybe it would help to explore what you feel defines you as a person and what character traits are really important to you, to help you start to have a clearer sense of identity 'sense of self'. Are there any DBT skils that you can remember that relate to self-identity?
Jenna - Perhaps, yes. Either way it's annoying me. I don't know how to describe who I am, beyond appearance. I have blonde and brown hair, grey eyes, I'm short and a bit podgey and my hair is curly. I don't know how to describe what I'm like as a person, or what my interests are. I enjoy reading and TV and music, but I don't know about anything else. I can't remember anything from DBT todo with the self, other than grounding exercises.
Jenna - Perhaps, yes. Either way it's annoying me. I don't know how to describe who I am, beyond appearance. I have blonde and brown hair, grey eyes, I'm short and a bit podgey and my hair is curly. I don't know how to describe what I'm like as a person, or what my interests are. I enjoy reading and TV and music, but I don't know about anything else. I can't remember anything from DBT todo with the self, other than grounding exercises.
Those all sound like age old philosophical/theological musings. Nobody has to have issues to wonder about who they are and what their life is about.
Of course its true certain problems/traumas in life can divide people from the ground of their being, and create an altered existence that can be mistaken for authentic (and seemingly to justify self-contempt). But on the positive side, people who encounter difficulties can be prompted to ponder life in more authentic ways than they might have if left intact.
Many people who might be considered healthy don't actually know who they are, or recognize their conditioned behaviours. Since you do, I thought from the beginning of this thread that there was something positive about it - an awareness and questioning I dont see as "disordered" per se. You have a nice awareness mixed in with the mysteries you sense
I see things in ways others think are silly to think about. I'm chaotic. I'm constantly daydreaming about life, it's meaning, the fact that I can see how so many things can be fixed but I can't because they won't let me and it frustrates the hell out of me because people are stupid half the time and ignorant the rest.
I want to fix the world but I can't so why play a role in its future at all?
Maybe who I am doesn't matter. Because none of it really matters in the end. I didn't see what the world was like 100 years ago and I won't see what it's like 100 years from now. All that will be left will be the consequences of our actions and it pisses me off that people would rather life life as a **** person.
I too feel like I am not human. I've described it to people with the verse "I should have been a pair of ragged claws". I feel like maybe people think I'm human but it's all a mistake and I'm actually something else entirely, not meant to be here.
That's my favourite poem. I have a tattoo quote on my feet.
