I'm back...Off my meds. But...obsessive compulsive
I'm Meg. I've not been here for a long time and it's been about 7/8 years since I was here on a regular basis.
I want to super briefly explain my past situation so you can understand where my head is at now...
I had an awful time as a child resulting in my mental illnesses and self destructive behaviours. Lots of acute ward admissions, a private hospital in London, acute cycles again and finally another private hospital where I was a patient for 4 and a half years.
From hospital I went to live with my carer (like a fostering of vulnerable adults kind of organization) in a new part of the country where I'd never been before. There were so many challenges because I was a bit institutionalised and didn't know a thing about normal, healthy relationships. I didn't know what my role was in this big world.
Anyway, I embraced every challenge- even if through gritted teeth and after just 18 months (!) I moved into my own house alone. I've lived here for two years. I love it.
I just receive day support now, I work on days when I'm not too dissociated (permitted work), still have mental health team.
Well...I came off all of my medication around 7 months ago.
I'd been consistently on meds since age 16. It was "against medical advice" but i think they have to say that. Especially given my history. But I'd done SO well and achieved more than i thought possible. I wanted to see what my adult brain could do without them. I took my last dose at the end of May this year.
My emotions were...WOW...for a little while at first and then they stopped being up and down so regularly
I started having to check things extra times and touching things. Example, f I check things and switch off on the kitchen but have to run back in to get my drink off the side I have to check everything all over again. I have to keep checking my front door incase I wasn't concentrating enough when I checked before.
My spiritual healing journey has been a massive part of my recovery but over the last 3/4 month's The Stupid got it's claws into that, too.
Reading into every.single.thing - "Oh, there's a squirrel. What does that mean? What's the sign/message?". Obsessing over not being psychically protected enough to do activities.
I get so worried about negative energy contamination. Like, people who I feel have bad energy touching me or my things or bringing things into the house (gifts like clothes, ornaments, etc).
I get scared more so at night thinking that not-so-nice messengers of the universe are in my house.
Aaand the newest thing is that i'm petrified I'm going to hurt my dog (I'll leave it that brief) so I have to make her understand that I love her. I have to say it over and over and over again until I know that she believes me.
It's hard and takes hours to get to bed and then it's really difficult to fall asleep even though I'm tired.
Why am I posting all of this?
I haven't wanted to tell anyone what's been going on. I was so, so proud of myself for getting to a place where I wanted to come off meds and then actually doing it.
I wanted to prove the "against medical advice" guy wrong.
People have started to get a sense of something. I've been sleeping through my alarm and missing trains, appointments and my support with carers. I'm more clumsy. I've been declining a lot of invitations.
I've decided I want to speak up and get support. Perhaps I will tell one of my carers and my CPN. I've got both tomorrow. Posting here first makes it easier to express outside of myself.
I'm just really worried that they will want me back on meds because that's easier instead of offering alternatives
I was diagnosed with OCD until 5 years ago (similar but not the same behaviours) and then it was put down to a response to the trauma and taken off record.
I really feel like coming off meds has lead to these behaviours again.
I don't know if all of this would warrent a diagnosis again.
I don't even know if these experiences that I am having will qualify for help or not. I feel like they should because of how tired and emotional they make me but I'm not sure.
So, the main reason for my post is because it will make it easier to tell someone in real life after this but please comment if you can with your own similar experiences or some reassurance or advice/knowledge.
Stay brave M x
Last edited by NoVember : 10-12-2019 at 05:40 AM.
Reason: Correcting spelling