|
Life is just heavy, and I really wonder why I am alive.
Existence is just super heavy, and I feel trapped. Trapped in my responsibilities, debts, and my marriage. I live in chronic self-doubt and rarely see any good in myself. Even when I accomplish something or someone complements me, my conscience turns around and makes me question it.
I ride waves of short highs, followed by sustained overwhelming lows where I question why I am even alive. I have been in and out of counseling, but I always make it to a point where my therapist thinks I am doing well, so we take a break, and I realize how wrong that is a week later.
I constantly feel alone. I don’t really have friends, and my wife works nights so she sleeps at strange hours. It doesn’t help that I don’t think our relationship is as good as it used to be.
I love my wife. There are things I could tell her that I would never tell another living being, but I am just not attracted to her anymore. I used to yearn for her, but now I rarely want to have sex with her. We had a rough patch that we went to counseling for and have since been getting along better, but I think my attraction to her suffered during that time.
Meanwhile, I have found myself obsessing over this coworker for the better part of the year, like butterflies in my stomach when I see her and think about her, stuff I haven’t felt in a long time. Time spent around her gives me a high when I generally always feel lows. I want to be her friend, but being around her just feeds these feelings, and to be honest with myself, my heart tells me I want more than that. However, that is impossible because not only am I married, but so is she and I don’t think she feels anything close to the feelings I have for her.
I don’t think I could ever act on my feelings. I know how wrong I am. I feel like I am betraying my wife, and I have no business hurting someone else’s marriage. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to love and be loved. I thought I understood love, but it seems I really don’t.
If I even made these feelings known, I would likely lose everything, and I can’t tell anyone I know because no one will ever sympathize with thoughts of infidelity, especially considering my friends from back home are very close with my wife.
And I don’t really see why they should sympathize. My wife loves me, and I know she would never take me for granted. She deserves better than me.
I really don’t understand why I am still alive anymore. I thought about suicide when I was a teenager a lot, but never had the guts to go through with it. I don’t even think I do now, I just always imagine a world where I don’t exist or I am someone else entirely. I am not sure why I turned out the way I did, and I am just getting so sick of all of this nonsense in life. Sorry for the disorganized mess of thoughts. I never really can articulate this stuff.
|
