After discussing it with my therapist, I'm in the process of getting rid of my SI tools.
However, I'm also really scared to let go of them.
The therapist I'm working with promises amazing results, and says that with other clients, throwing away their tools really helped them, that whilst it was hard and scary it was also liberating and they SI'd a lot less.
I also feel it's important to mention, that I was the person who brought up the throwing away of tools... It's because SI really, really annoys me, at times and more often as time goes on, and I hate the fact that I have tools, I hate what they are for and how having them affects me and the people around me who see that I'm hurting...
But I'm really unsure, in general, if this is a good idea...
It was really hard the last time I tried to throw everything away, I started to get really strong suicidal thoughts, and then I ended up buying new tools to try to make those go away, but then, the thoughts just got even worse. I'm scared, although my therapist assures everything will be ok and I'll cope...
Ash
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
You can do it!!! They are not who you are!! You are NOT throwing away a part of you! All you do is getting rid of what takes away a part of you! How many things couldn't or didn't you do because of SI? These tools took that away from you! They are not a part of you, they are not who you are. They are not part of your identity!
Your therapist is right, you will be able to do it!! I believe in you! You were the person who brought up the thought, that's your mind trying to take back control! That is YOU taking back control! It's scary but I know you can do it!!! Maybe you can get rid of one thing at a time? And you could buy a new "tool", a sharpie maybe to draw on your skin instead of cutting? Maybe you can replace your old and unhealthy tools and habits by healthier ones, one step at a time?
I haven't hurt myself in... five(?) years and that was itself a slip-up that happened after a few years of being free.
I still have my tools. Still.
I've moved house a number of times so it's not even like I'm lazy at cleaning. I packed them up and moved them right along with everything else. So getting rid of tools isn't useful for everyone. Obviously, if it's what you believe will work best for you, then full steam ahead!
But you don't have to get rid of them. There's no one way to start being free.
Could you try putting your tools away? Sort of like out of sight, out of mind; only, you know they're still there and you still have that choice.
Sometimes having a choice means you make better choices.
I know you will make the right choice for you. Good luck!
I agree with Amaryllis perhaps you could try putting the tools away first. If you want to make it harder for yourself you could try locking up your tools first that it's harder for you to SI. You could set yourself a goal that despite locking your tools away then if you haven't SIed within a certain time period then you will throw your tools away. It's up to you.
I have thrown my tools away. But not until I was 3 years free. Even then I had to have my cpn's help as I put my blades in her sharps box. I know that if I didn't have her sharps box then I would never thrown the blades away. Plus I would worry about people being hurt by my blades if I didn't throw them away properly.
Last edited by not_so_insig : 22-07-2016 at 09:40 PM.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
After thinking long and hard about it, I've decided that I'm going to put them in a hard-to-access box, and maybe after I've managed not to SI for a while I'll move them to a different, harder to access location (or even just forget about them! :P)
And I'll move my healthier ways of coping and things I enjoy doing to easier to access places where I can actually see them all the time.
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
After thinking long and hard about it, I've decided that I'm going to put them in a hard-to-access box, and maybe after I've managed not to SI for a while I'll move them to a different, harder to access location (or even just forget about them! :P)
And I'll move my healthier ways of coping and things I enjoy doing to easier to access places where I can actually see them all the time.
You could even wrap it in tons of layers of wrapping paper (think pass the parcel) to make it even harder.
Good luck in finding healthier ways of coping. I have every faith in you.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Aww... Thanks for the encouragement and advice Amaryllis and not_so_insig, it means a lot to me! <3
With the idea of wrapping them up, I could, but it would be hard... I'm so easily triggered at the moment. It's a great idea for the future though. It would mean if I ever look through said box for any reason without remembering them, then they wouldn't be likely to hurt me by accident.
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
