I'm so sorry that I keep deleting things. I really appreaciate people taking the time to offer support.
I go back to work on Monday. Only going to do an hour, but I'm absolutely terrified. So, so anxious. I've felt on the verge of throwing up all day. What if I've forgotten what to do? I don't ****ing know. Actually terrified.
I hate this. I've been out of hospital three weeks or something and I'm till ridiculously overwhelmed by stuff that wouldn't usually bother me. I just can't. Cried the whole church service today.
I'm not unwell at the moment. Meds and stuff sorted that. I'm just... Anxious and easily overwhelmed and I need to get a grip.
I've let everyone down. I really have. I swore to myself. Never again. keep feeling like I cannot breathe and I know it's just anxiety and I try and bring it back, but it makes me want to call an ambulance because I don't want to die. I know I'm not going to, but it feels like it, doesn't it?
I really ****ing hate this period. The period when I'm not unwell, which is great, but it's all getting my life back together again and it is so difficult and ****.
Going for a walk with my uncle in a bit. He's coming now, actually. Yuck. Feel shitty and tearful. I am a dick.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Just because you are not psychotic or in a major mood episode that warrants intensive psychiatric support, does not mean you are ‘well’ either. You’ve basically just begun your recovery journey to get back to how you were before this episode. And that’s ok. Anybody coming back to work after time out would be apprehensive and anxious, and you’ve had a lot to deal with on top of that normal level anxiety. That doesn’t make you a dick or invalidate what you’re experiencing. I’d say you need quite a lot is support and reassurance from
Loved ones and work right now, but also I think that is very normal!
Going back to work is a huge thing and you are doing the opposite of letting work down by starting to try and get back to it. I'm sure they will be supportive of you because they seem to really value you and your skills and will want the best for you. You contribute a lot and you can build up your confidence etc again, it's ok if that takes time and support. You're putting pressure on yourself, you're very hard on yourself and I'm sure you wouldn't agree with the things you're saying about yourself if it was someone else who was saying them about themselves. I really hope you get on well on Monday, take your time and use the support you have. Whatever you achieve is a step forward. I have faith in you. Good luck.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I just can't do it. I cannot. I can't remember my last day at work. It's not OK. My assistant manager made me go home. I feel like ****. She said I "tried to battle on too long" when I apologised on the phone on Friday. I don't know. It's too hard. I phoned the crisis team, who told me to keep myself calm with diazepam tonight and tomorrow morning and it'll be OK. But it won't. I can't retain information. My memory is shot to bits. I still sometimes can't get my brain to get the words out in the order I'd like them to come out in, because I can't think of the right words in time. I cannot breathe and it's making me panic even more.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Have you taken a diazepam? It sounds like you're really stressed. If you have taken a diazepam earlier, when can you take another one?
Can you distract yourself with some relaxing music to get you ready for sleep tonight?
Or watch a DVD to take your mind off tomorrow until diazepam has kicked in.
I know you're really nervous about going back to work tomorrow but it sounds like your work colleagues are a good lot and I'm sure you'll be eased back in gently.
Remember the thought is always worse than the deed. So at the moment you feel like you just won't remember anything but when it comes to tomorrow I bet you will remember stuff.
the important thing is not to beat yourself up. It's not long since you've been in hospital and recovery takes a while and is not linear.
You're doing great.
Wishing you best of luck for tomorrow. Ireally hope you sleep well tonight xx
I took some diazepam at around 8:30pm. I only took a lower dose one though, so took another one (as directed) about 30 minutes ago. I've colmed down a bit.
I don't know. I just don't. It's all ****ed. I'm fine, I really am, but this is so very difficult. I'm trying to distract myself by finding acoustic covers of songs that I like, but it's really difficult when I want to scream IT'S TOO HARD.
My Nan is picking me up and taking me and she's going to wait in the hospital restaurant while I'm at work for the hour and then she's going to take me home. Who needs their Nan to take them to work, you know? It's not acceptable. I'm an adult. I'm not a teenager in their first job.
My work colleagues are great, but I still need to actually work. My manager said to think of it as going in for a cup of tea, but that I'll have a uniform and a badge on and I will have to talk to a few patients. You're right I guess that the anticipation is probably worse than actually doing it will be, but the fear that I'm going to **** it all up is very real.
I went into my bedroom and was going to take night meds and get into bed, but then I panicked and sat on my sofa again. I've taken the trazadone though and it usually makes me tired, so perhaps I'll sleep at some point.
For now, I'm sat on the sofa with YouTube and the cat playing by the side of me. It's still hard to breathe.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I hope you managed to get some sleep and that today goes okay.
You can do this. These things are very rarely as bad as we think they will be. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself lovely, you're doing great and you absolutely are not letting anyone down. It's okay to need help and support to do this stuff, it really is.
Thinking of you and sending love <3
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
This morning was pretty horrendous. Sweating and vomiting and crying and not feeling like I could breathe and my heart rate was ridiculous. All anxiety, but it's so horrible, isn't it? It's not just that horrible, horrible emotional feeling, but it's all the physical responses to it. Yuck.
Anyway, actual work went OK. My Nan picked me up and I cried at her. I cried for the first five minutes at work, but was instructed to put the kettle on and my manager talked to me while I made the tea. The first patient came along and I managed to interact and things and it was fine. I remembered a lot of stuff that I thought I had forgotten. Quite enjoyed it after about the first 20 minutes and the hour went quite quickly. This morning was a lot of fuss about nothing.
In for an hour an a half tomorrow and an hour and a half on Friday afternoon, then two hours each shift the week after, then review and hopefully increase again. I think that should be OK though.
I'm absolutely shattered now. Like, exhausted. It's so silly. I only did an hour. I guess that level of anxiety takes its toll.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Anxiety can be so so draining, in all senses of the word! Sounds like you did amazingly- well done you! Hopefully you’ve managed to get some rest this evening. I think you’re very brave x
Thank you so much, everyone. Your support has meant a lot. And thank you for the well dones and for saying I'm brave and you're proud. Boosted my confidence a bit. :)
Last week was ok in the end - I think it was just that first day. I'm doing 2 hour shifts this week and then three hours the week after. Then I'll do my full 4 hour shifts on a Monday and Tuesday. still going to take Friday slowely though. I'm a bit nervous about Friday because it's a 9 hour day. I used to do it no problem, so I guess I'll eventually get back to doing ok. I feel like I'm being a nuisance by having a phased return, as I know it leaves them short. I guess it's better to have me there for a little bit rather than not at all.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
