Started back on meds so I guess I have to wait for them to kick in. I am in a bad head space at the moment and torn as how to get out of it. I need something to distract me in a positive way. I am so tired of struggling with my health.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I had an emotional set back with my old relationship. I am trying to be grateful but I feel ashamed for reaching out and literally getting the right phone slammed down in my ear. I hope that they are out of my life now but it does not make me feel less abandoned or worried they won't just turn up to dump on me. I am ashamed of my loneliness. I wish I was stronger. I hate how I keep feeling desperate and coming across as such. I long to be free.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Everything that can go wrong....
I tried to deal with suicidal ideation but really late the bad company came over. I let him hurt me again. I knew I was hypomanic. And I tried to fight him to use protection. He refused and I am scared and in pain. I can't do this anymore. He scoffed in telling me he was seeing someone else and it should have been obvious. He never is there for me and always abuses me. But I have no one. I didn't bother to confide anything but I cannot deal with this.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I am too ashamed. I have to try to change meds because I cannot afford old ones and I keep feeling everyone is conspiring against me. That if I cannot do this alone that this is it. I have family taunting me. I want to give up before I let people down at work.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I sat and waited for my therapist but they never came. I know they saw I was there but I don't know why they didn't follow up. I even turned down the user but I felt worse because I was alone.
I have been too depressed to do anything and keep wanting to give up.
It hurts too much.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Just to let you know I've read and am thinking of you xxx How are you feeling now? xxx
"We’ll behave like a bunch of holier-than-thou hypocrites. Because the alternative is to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we are capable of dark and terrible things"
"We didn't make this world - we're just the poor fools who are living in it"
Or A bit of a yoyo day. Someone asked for my number but I really want to not start back working. The pain and depression is getting overwhelming. I find it a struggle to accept that I need help and I still am fixated on giving up.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Started back at work. I keep letting others down. But it is so hard to pretend. I keep saying over and over that I want to end it. It is like a mantra and it scares me as I say it every time I have flash backs.
I can't stop thinking the pain will never end.
I am scared that I am not well enough to be working. I was going to be hospitalised in January but I am fighting my depression relapse alone. When I go into hypomania I make bad choices.
I want to focus on my health and not worry about money and working bad paying jobs and being more sick from too much stress. I am getting seizure episodes and migraines and I don't know what to do.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I am hurting so much. Met someone new who basically tricked me into thinking they liked me. I cannot tell them anything about my mental health struggles but they keep going on about theirs. I sent a random message when I got upset and they kept going on about how weird I was being. But I had really needed support that night because I relapsed. I knew it wasn't safe for me to go home because I was having suicidal ideation.
I was so angry at what they said. I have no one but me. No one can care for me all the time.
I am so tired.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Hi. I hate keeping this thread going. I don't believe so much time has passed. I don't think suicidal ideation should be a norm. But I don't see a lot of choice.
I met two new people this year that managed to hurt and exploit me in opposite ways
Am I always going to be alone? I can can see some of the negative aspects of my illness get dominant due to stress. I need help. But that means giving up any control over my life. I laugh at suggestions about medication and support. It has always been about control. I quit. I quit. And in quitting why try?
I catch myself slowly forgetting to live in a semi vegetative state. Not eating sleeping bathing caring..... I don't know this level of depression. If I am on meds and still depressed is it worse than in the beginning with no meds when I saw the wave was going to hit.
A storm is coming but I want to be lost at sea.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I wish there was something I could say to help you feel more steady and safer. I don't have many words at the moment, but I just wanted you to know that I'd read again and have you in my thoughts xxx
"We’ll behave like a bunch of holier-than-thou hypocrites. Because the alternative is to look at ourselves in the mirror and know that we are capable of dark and terrible things"
"We didn't make this world - we're just the poor fools who are living in it"
I have never felt so disappointed in my family as I do now. I was supposed to follow my dream and go finish school. But I am meant to sell everything I own and give up all my rights. I already have no security and loads of debt. Now my own family doesn't seem to see how I cannot take any more of this. I have no value to anyone. I keep begging for help but no one believes in me. Not like I need them to. They expect me to act like I don't need meds and don't want to die. It is all I think about now. How everything is pointless.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Writing this because I am feeling a compulsion to turn to my abusers again. Counselor says that I sabotage myself. Right now apart from having 2months to stabilise before school restarts I am finding it really hard to see past despair if I cannot go. I feel trapped.
I have so much debts and I don't know how to get up from under it.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Thanks. I am feeling invisible in everything I do at the moment.
Feeling like no one sees or cares how much I am hurting.
Police called this morning because of issue at work.
Nothing like a PTSD trigger to start your day.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I cannot defer. I will not survive if I stay here. I feel punished for my mental health challenges and I cannot express myself clearly.
I do everything myself. I need help
I am not going to make it to Christmas.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
So it happened again. Police stayed with me and I did the whole charade game. But came home actively triggered especially when pain started. Meds pushed up anxiety plus insomnia. Wrote family counselor no response. Advice from doctor friend so I am pretty sure I am triggered to suicide. Support worker said to call when this happens.
I dont want to live here one more moment
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I was assaulted trying to protect my home against a vandal. Police said I could not press charges because I stopped him before he committed the crime.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014