Rant - Creating Happiness

borderskippintess · 29-10-2007, 01:54 PM

I haven't been on a whole lot mostly because I don't have much to say. I have been really confused about pretty much everything. Most everything that I thought was true....is, well, not. And now, I'm struggling with my everything.
But it seems as though my therapist isn't concerned with me finding happiness but rather with stopping the hurt I'm causing on others. Now, true, I want to stop hurting others really badly. Sometimes so much, in fact, that I'm seriously considering taking my paycheck on Friday and just taking off. Getting away from here to protect those people from myself. Anyway...
So if I spend all this energy to stop myself from hurting these people and just focus on making them happy, then where the F** is MY happiness?!
I'm trying to sort out right now if I married my husband because I love him or because I was too scared to go it alone as a single mom. I honestly don't know. He's a nice guy and enjoy his company for the most part, but he doesn't make me happy, but then very few people make me happy for very long, especially myself. But what's worse with my husband is that he gave up trying a long time ago and ocassionally he'll admit to that. How can I live with that? I'm suppose to sacrifice my happiness to make him happy when he doesn't even bother to try to make me happy anymore? How is that fair? Someone tell me?
In the meantime, I've made great friends with someone who does make me happy and who has heard phone call after phone call of crying and madness and every roller coaster and STILL has not judged me. Yet....I have been told to turn away from him. He is far away from me...and I don't know what my feelings are towards him because I'm at a point with my borderline personality disorder where I truly wonder if I'll ever be capable of loving ANYONE really...but damn, it's so nice to not be judged. It's so nice to hear someone tell me that I'm a good person, when I hear so much and so often how bad I am. It's nice to hear someone attempt to make me happy and make me laugh. Tell me why I should want to turn that away????
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so angry at myself for being such a coward two years ago. My family loves my husband so much and they would probably disown me if I left him. But I want to be happy to. Aren't I allowed to at least try?
I am not at a place to make any decisions right now. I can't. Who knows...maybe with the right course of treatment, my marriage can heal and we can get past this and fall in love or something. Maybe he can being to understand how turned around my head is right now. Or maybe he can let me go without any anger and understand this without hating me.
I'm just so filled up with guilt and anger and hurt and unhappiness....and I have one glimmer of happiness in a phone call once a week. So sue me for enjoying it. Damn.

Reese · 30-10-2007, 08:47 PM

Hey sweetheart, it's great to see you have come back here for some support =) Confusion is one of the worst things we can go through, especially when there is no one there to guide us through it. It can affect us in a very negative way sometimes when we are hurting others. Like you said, you feel you should just take your paycheck and leave. It can make us feel worthless and unwanted, two very unpleasent emorions to have. Therefore focusing on them can help you in the long run, people will be more open and you will be more approachable. You will feel worthwhile again.

Have you discussed the situation you find yourself in with your therapist? You need to sit down and think with your head instead of your heart. Thinking with your heart can sometimes be the worst thing for you, of course not always. If he says he's given up a long time ago you need to tell him how it makes you feel. Decide what you really want from him. Do you have good times together? Do you feel loved and cherished? Or is he simply handy to have around? You are an important person and deserve someone to cherish and love you. Also your child/ren will pick up if there is tension or anything of the sort between you, and therefore you need to decide what is best for all of you as a whole.

Why exactly is it you are being asked to turn away? I know from experience that sometimes somone who seems like the most perfect person in the world and who you could never dream of letting go can actually turn out to be bad for you. You need to find out why people are saying stay away.

To be honest if you are thinking about leaving him this much there is a lot of unhappiness in the relationship. Are you thinking of leaving him for someone else though? Such as your friend? Once again be sure it is best for you and your children. It isn't important what your family think, when it comes down to it it is your life and you who has to live it.

Is it possible to show your husband this post? Or at least parts of it to help him understand? You say you can't make descisions, but unfortunately we need to make them all the time regardless. And since you feel the way you do it may be a good idea to listen to what others have to say.

Take care of yourself honey xXx