i understand. the Controllers use words that aren't Earth-world words either, and They come from a planet called Aeon. it's very complex, and i won't go into it too much because i don't want to expand too much on a possibly delusional system, but it appears a lot in one of my old R/Vs. i'm sorry your psych. doesn't understand, it's a very lonely and vast place to be.
i am still not experiencing the Controllers much at the moment, even when the police were parked outside my flat in a van with a cage in the back i didn't get too paranoid, though it disturbed me a little that it is probably the same one my psychiatrist sent for me a couple of years back, luckily i didn't go in it.
but They have been in the air molecules. i was talking to my support worker and she said it is important that i tell people if things start to come back, but she said that at the same time as i have been thinking - maybe i shouldn't. i don't want ever to go back to hospital, or at least not for a long time. i don't want to worry people or have them all looking and whispering at each other.
and what is unwell? when They start to return for me, when They start to get noisy and intrusive and alive, i function highly. i make plans on how to stop Their terrorism. i have a meaning and a purpose. it is only after a while that things go across a line and i'm tormented and stop functioning. what if i can remain in that high-functioning place and kick Their arses once and for all? because They are not psychosis. something is psychosis, but i can't put my finger on what.
i'm confused. what i'm trying to say is, which part is "well" and when does that stop?
ok, well i've just started seeing early intervention psychosis team.
dont see how they are going to help, but i'm going along with it for now anyway!
at 14/15, i started hearing a girls voice, and later started seeing her.
i reffer to her as the 'other me' but shes really nothing like me.
but shes never left me sinse she first came, though there has been periods of time when she hasn't really made an impact / said/done anything.
sometimes i like her company - when shes in a good mood, but when shes in a bad mood then it all gets scary.
she has total control over me. if she tells me to do something - i do it.
at the moment, shes with me all of the time, and shes very much in a bad mood.
when shes in a bad mood, she will make me cut, make me stash pills, try and make me kill myself, she makes me take pills, and used to make me sit on the railway tracks.
i see my attacker. faceless, but its him. he scares me. he'll watch me, and he'll follow me when i'm outside, and i have to try and hide away from him so he cant get me.
there is the girl voice who wont let me sleep, when i try to she will tell me whats going to happen if i do, like for example, if i sleep there is going to be a fire and i wont wake, and the animals will die etc.
sometimes when 'the other me' is in a good mood, and wants me to get some sleep, she will make her go away.
then there are what i call 'silly things'
like i have hallucinations,
i see my pet rats doing things that are actualy impossible for rats to do, but at the same time they are doing it. i get confused by this so much, because i know they are not really doing it, becuase its impossible, but they really are doing it at the same time.
i also have extreme paranoia about my food and drink, people want to poison it/add non-vegan ingredients to it(im a strict vegan), and they may have had chance to do this without me noticing.
sometimes can go for days without eating or drinking purely because of this.
theres actualy a hell of alot more than this...but i dont want to talk about some things, and somethings are just to difficult to explain.
i'm not on meds, the early intevention team want some more meetings with me before they decide weather to try meds or therapy.
i dont see either working tbh, but i have zero faith in therapy.
Iloverats, really sorry to hear about your experiences. I hope the other you gets in a better mood soon. Do you think you'd prefer to go on meds? How old are you now if you don't mind me asking? I know what you mean about the "silly" things, when you know it isn't real or possible but somehow it is. It's very confusing and frustrating.
I'm having a crappy few days. Really depressed and fed up and irritated with everything. My family are trying to get me to do things and cheer me up but I just want to be left alone, which makes me ungrateful and s**t but then again I am s**t. Anouk has started talking about making myself throw up and that I'm fat and shouldn't eat and how I can lose weight. She has also been talking a lot about suicide, how I should do it and how it would make everyone's lives a lot easier. Been SIing a lot to keep Her happy and I'm just so sick of this. Grandparents are visiting tonight so I'm looking forward to pretending to be happy. Ha.
Sorry for going on I'm just in a bad mood.
Hope everyone has a good day and hugs to all who need them xxx
banana89 - i'm 18 now. and i dont really know about meds, i've heard bad and good things, but i'm not sure what my opinion is, i guess i'll have to try them to find out...if they offer them.
i'd prefer things to get better with theray...but i have no faith really, i cant see that helping me.
waiting in the dark - that answers your question too :)
i don't know how to stay in the elusive place between "not experiencing the Controllers" and "ill". been talking to my CPN today about holographic worlds and the purple wastelands of Aeon and that i ran out of my medication, so she is phoning me tomorrow to see if i got that sorted. but i don't know why to take my medication when this is palpably real and i need to carry out a mission.
i'd rather stay here where They are not noisy but around. i'd rather not get "unwell" and end up in the sterile environment of a ward. but i don't know how to stay in control. i go round and round in circles over and over again and i have for years. i never do.
banana89, i hope Anouk stops bothering you so much. it is very tiring when things are noisy all the time. do you have any ways of distracting yourself from her? maybe it would be helpful to do little bits with your family to hopefully cheer you up, but balance it with spending time on your own.
Hey guys, hope you all had ok days. If not then good days!
Iloverats - yeah I know what you mean. I am now on anti depressants and anti psychotics. I hate the idea of being "on meds" but things are so bad I just thought I should try anything. I'm not sure if my personal experience will be helpful to you with regard to both meds and therapy, since everyone reacts differently, but let me know if you'd like someone's view on it.
Alienshe Cheesycake sorry to hear the man's telling you to cut. Hope he starts to leave you alone soon. Yeah I hate it around family. I feel I have to try harder to cover up because I love them and don't want to worry them. As it is my mum told them I'm feeling "a bit down at the moment" (she's under strict instructions not to tell anyone the truth lol) which meant my grandad tried to say something nice and I just felt awkward and barely spoke all evening. Sigh. Everyone's being so nice to me, I really don't know why I'm being so crap about it. Anyway. Yeah I think lack of sleep makes psychosis worse. Maybe ask your doc about something to help you sleep or something?
Plastic how you doing at the mo?
Laura, sorry to hear about your situation. I know what you mean. Some of the voices/ people I have are sometimes very comforting. Certainly Lola the little girl and Anais are. It's frustrating when they tell you just to take some kind of meds. I often feel like they're just bulldozing over my mind, just because they can't see the same reality that I do. That's probably not good advice though! Did you CPN have any suggestions?
Waiting in the Dark hope you had a good day.
I feel like such a knob because I'm being so ungrateful about everything. My family and bf are trying really hard. It's just the last few days my depression has been absolutely overwhelming and I'm filled with anger for no apparent reason so it's just difficult. Anyway it may be a bad night, my laptop's f**ked so I can't be online much, and Anouk has been going on about various types of vandalism and also suicide. Urgh.
I don't know how you guys do this. I know they aren't actually real but they scare me and I want them to stop so much. I know I should distract myself etc but sometimes I think I should just do waht they say and it will all be ok.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I don't cope with it well at all. I just obey Them and do stupid things and get worse and worse. So I hope you cope better than me!!! Distraction is hard, I know what you mean sometimes I just don't want to bother with it. But it's safer and healthier to try and distract yourself. Sometimes I find watching a film about mh issues helps, because then I don't feel like I'm just ignoring what's happening, but it does distract me from doing silly things. Hope you get through tonight xxx
I've recently been diagnosed with psychosis NOS. I thought people could read my mind. I didnt really have any other symptoms associated with typical psychosis - like hallucinations or voices. I'm now taking a low dose of risperidone. It's effective. The only real noticeable side effect is slight constipation which is manageable through laxatives.
Hello. Just thought I'd give you all a brief idea of what I'm going through before I start posting in here.
I've been hearing a girl, Beth, for over a year now. And in October I started hearing a man's voice. Beth tells me to hurt myself, kill myself and always puts me down. The man used to stick up for me and look after me, and told me that everything Beth said was a lie. Then he turned on me. Now he's aggressive, and says disgusting sexual things to me. They both tell me to hurt people, sometimes even kill.
I believe there are spies watching me all the time. I used to believe it was the police, but now I've realised that the spies work for someone else (though I don't know who). They sit outside in black cars and they've set up cameras and mics all around my house. They're waiting for me to slip up; do stuff the voices tell me to do, hurt people, lash out (which I used to do regularly before the spies). And when I do, they are going to kidnap me and either brainwash me so I forget my life as it is now; my family, my friends, my goals and achievements. Or kill me. This is because they know about the voices and if I do start listening to the evil spirits and following their evil commands, then I don't deserve my life.
*Deep breath* Sorry for taking up so much room. I just needed to explain fully to people who wont judge me.