hi, i've had psychosis for six years. it's part of PTSD for me. it feels really weird to say i have psychosis. it feels wrong, and that it's all genuinely real. i'm not sure. i should perhaps say - other people have "diagnosed" me with psychosis. i take medication, though i find it difficult to be "concordant" with it.
the Controllers affect everything. it would take me pages and pages to explain everything i experience/have experienced because of Their influence. it's difficult now to know what is a psychotic symptom and what is reality. things that people mention that i can identify with - voices, threats, being spied on, listened to (microphones, cameras, energy centres) thoughts being inserted and broadcasted, subliminal messages, being followed by police, being responsible for terrible things, commands, things changing substance... well i could go on.
thank you for starting this thread, it was a great idea :)
Hey everyone! Hope today was a bearable day for everyone.
Waiting in the Dark: I know what you mean about SI. I feel like I haven't got a good reason if I'm not doing it as a release for myself, but I would always rather hurt myself than have anyone else hurt or hurt anyone else myself. Glad to hear your Voices are leaving you alone more now. How long did it take before you heard Them less? Thanks for the list of coping mechanisms. I find it hard to get into another activity, Anouk just laughs at me, but I am trying to work out how we can make it work.
Eclectic*a thank you for the explanation. It sounds really scary for you *Hugs* As I said before, my voices are people with names and bodies and personalities and They interact with each other as well as with me. But They never actually control me as such or take over. How long have you had MPD?
Plastic and Waiting in the Dark, I'm in the same situation at the moment. I'm supposed to be going on a year abroad at the end of June working full time in Germany and then studying in Spain. Right now I have loads of essays due in 2 weeks and then it's exam period. But like you guys said, I'm either like a zombie cos of my meds or my mind is racing or Anouk won't shut up, so it's impossible to study. Plus I have depression so I don't have the motivation either. Think I'm gonna have to take time out but I have no idea if that's possible. At the moment I can't see myself getting through a 2 and a half hour exam, let alone writing anything, let alone passing it! Have you guys spoken to your tutors about it?
Trina sorry to hear about the girl and the man. Can you talk to them and ask them to give you some space or anything?
Whirlpools sorry to hear about what you're going through. Are you getting any help with it?
I've had a weird day today, not been in reality very much. Sigh. Sorry, that ended up really long... xx
I first got "weird thoughts" (i dont like the word delusions) as part of a manic-type episode in may/june 2007 where people put messages in my head, and i could control things and i had powers. I could see spirits and they were touching me.
After that episode, i beleived i killed someone which leaves me with terrible guilt. I beleived i was being followed and i could see frank.
Later, and old man was after me and i had to kill him first before he killed me. He could transform into other people and he was always around. (I got put in hospital at this point and diagnosed psychosis NOS).
after i came out, i had to go to see the boy's parents to say that i didnt mean to kill him and hand myself over to the police.
More recently, a different boy about 4 or 5 asked me to go to manchester and help him, but i didnt and now he follows me about asking why. Another girl is asking me to go to a diff city to save her too. there is a dark god who talks to me and a woman who says if i dont do things she will hurt my bf. I cant take the chance.
Alienshe Cheesecake How often does the girl talk to you? Do you think you cope with it better nowadays?
I don't hear her all the time (thank god)
when I'm having a bad episode of pychosis I start hearing her
and I usuallytotally lose the plot when I start to hear her
Past 3 times I've started hearing her again I've ended up sectioned
because I usually try to kill myself or do something equally silly like carry around knives with me
(last time was convinced I was evil and had to bleed her out of me, which resulted in some pretty serious SI that required surgery and me being
put back in the hospital)
I still don't think I'm capable of coping with her because she scares me so much and when I start hearing her I totally freak out and can't handle it
Does anybody else feel like they're being watched 24/7?
When I get really bad (I think according to my cpn I'm currantly in between episodes of pychosis but I'm still getting symptoms like voices)
I start feeling people acessing my thoughts and this is really scary because I start to feel in danger in case they find out about the girl and want to hurt me or something, I just feel like I can't think anything dangerous or people will be out to get me, like my thoughts aren't my own they are for the public to access, and if they find out that I'm capable of killing then they will be watching me.
thats pretty scary and exhuasting
Does anyone else feel like there life has been totally ruined by this?
I was in the middle of my A-levels when all this started and just couldn't carry on with them because I was in hospital so much
I feel like im in hospital more than Im out of it (8 times last year!)
and I'm really worried about when my next really bad episode will be
:-/ because I'm supposed to be going back to college september and dont' know how I'll be able to cope if I'm off all the time
"In the driest whitest stretch of pains infinate desert, I lost my sanity, and found this rose"
Hey everyone, sorry to hear about all your experiences.
Alienshe Cheesycake - sorry to hear about being sectioned. Sounds terrifying. Yep definitely I feel like everything is falling apart in my life. I've had "issues" for years, but things are so bad at the moment that I've had to tell my parents and get help at the hospital. I'm very lucky that my family and bf are sticking by me. Apart from that, everything about uni is all getting f**ked up and I think I'm going to have to have a year out because I just can't cope with anything. I'm supposed to start my year abroad in June but there's just no way that that can happen without a suicide attempt to be honest. It hurts to feel like I'm failing again.
On the plus side I didn't SI last night. Not much of an achievement considering I SIed loads during the day. But I walked up and down the garden for an hour talking to Anais (the good one) which was really nice. Feel a bit weird and slow today.
I don't know if I'm ever going to be "better". Throughout my life it's been a cycle of being "normal" and then having an "episode" and having to pick up the pieces. I'm so tired of it all.
Won't Be Taken Alive - sorry you've had a hard time of it recently but glad to hear you're coming out the other end of it. Maybe you don't have to give up on your ambitions, but just give it a bit more time? I'm thinking about taking a year out and going back to my degree. I guess it's best to leave things a bit and do them when I'm ready.
Girl Afraid - I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through. Are you getting psych help now?
Michelle - glad to hear you've had a bearable few days. Hope it continues!
Girl Afraid - I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through. Are you getting psych help now?
Im called ami
Yeah, i seen early intervention team, and just started seeing a psychatrist again. Im on citalopram at the the minute.
Ive been on aripiprazole, quetiapine, amisulpride, and risperidone. But i got bad side effects!! So just on the citalopram x
Girl Afraid/Ami - i would be confused too with all that going on. what things does the woman make you do, if you don't mind my asking? have you ever disobeyed?
nuclearnight/Michelle - i'm glad you're gettign soem 'time off'. do you often get times like this or are things more constant usually. for me it used to be a constant thing but now i'm occasionally getting some good days.
banana89 - well done on not SIing last night that's really great. i'm glad Anais is back, is she helping things? i don't remember exactly, i was on a really low dose for about six weeks, that didn't do anything, then i think it was after about 4 weeks on the higher dose i started noticing the difference. my memory's a bit hazy
WontBeTakenAlive - i don't think you should give up on your dreams of being a psych nurse, though maybe it's right to consider that now might not be the best time to pursue it. you know yourself best. it doesn't have to be a never thing.
Alienshe_Cheesycake - hi, sorry to hear things have been so bad for you but if you're looking at going back to college maybe things are on the up? good luck with it, and don't worry too much about it, i think if you really want to make it work, you will. by the way did you used to have a slightly different username, or was that a different person?
No thankfully it's not constant, it comes and goes in episodes I suppose, usually a few days on, a few days off, sometimes longer. Longest I've ever had to deal with symptoms without any reprieve was about six weeks, which was rather horrific.
I'm glad you're getting a few more good days. Is that thanks to medication?
Ive been told i have psycosis but i dont think i do, i dont think i show any of the signs of it, i have looked it up! i guess i hear my brother and sister's thoughts in my head and i can hear other peoples thoughts but its real and they are thoughts not voices so its not psycosis! and i sometimes think, maybe im just making it all up! maybe im not really hearing of this and its just my own thoughts and i just somehow pretend its differnt voices in my head! does anyone else feel this? or is it just me? sorry!
but then i guess respirdone has helped me and made everyone elses thoughts stop being so loud and even go away at some points! its just so confussing i dont know what to think!
and i sometimes think, maybe im just making it all up! maybe im not really hearing of this and its just my own thoughts and i just somehow pretend its differnt voices in my head! does anyone else feel this? or is it just me? sorry!
yeah i tink this sometimes too, like maybe im just being a stupid attention seeker, but i think i know deep down that im not making it up.
today has been hard, and i dont think im going to be able to cope with school tomorrow, its far too stressful, exams are so soon, and the voice wont let me concentrate on any work. and last night the spirits in my room were bad, they wouldnt leave me alone and i dont think im gunna sleep in here tonight, i just cant.
sorry im ranting now.
how has everyones day been?
'the pain you feel is real,
you're not asleep,
but its a nightmare,
but you cant wake up anytime.'
Sunshine/Polly(?) - when it feels so real it's hard to think of it as psychosis. but i'm glad risperidone is helping you, real or not. soemtimes i've worried that i'm making it up, especially when other people have doubted me, but i think when you're actually experiencing it you know really that you're not making it up. it'd be a very strange thing to make up!
lost/loved and saved - welcome. i'm sure it's not boring, and don't worry mine was long too - and boring
hi Sarah, welcome in. just share when/if you feel able to.
banana69, i get quite a lot of help so i am lucky. it hasn't always been like that though and i wish i'd had more help when it all started. things got worse over time and it took a while for people to realise that it was fairly serious, but now has come a time for me to stop moaning about that because they are very supportive now, hehe.
i wish there had been such thing as Early Intervention in my area when my difficulties began. now it is too late for me to be referred to them, but in some ways, it doesn't matter, because i finally get similar support as to what i'd be offered with them.
my day has been fairly psychosis-free (heh) although i can feel Them in the air, the energies are charged. i think more than anything i just fear the next episode, to the point of crying.
sorry that this has been a very self-centred post.