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Old 08-08-2014, 07:51 PM   #1
Lucy84
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
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Contains abuse - Frightened, ashamed and feeling alone.....

Hello.

I am new to this site and I am not entirely sure how this works but here goes...

I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child for years into adulthood...

I am now 30 anf have just started to face it.

I self harm regularly. Have started counselling. Am on antidepressants. Though I feel very alone and ashamed and I just need some support....

Sorry if I have taken up anyones time.....

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Old 09-08-2014, 05:29 AM   #2
LittleCloud
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Hey Lucy,
Welcome. You're not taking up anyone's time or space. Feel free to post as you need. I hope you find the support you're after here- it must have taken a lot of courage to start to face everything <3



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 09-08-2014, 05:38 AM   #3
lozza
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hey and welcome:)

like littlecloud said feel free to post as you need.

people are always around if you wanna chat or need some extra support. how are you feeling today?

thinking of you.



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2014, 06:33 AM   #4
Lucy84
 
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Thank you both for replying.... I appreciate it. I am very frightened and feel very alone with what happened to me. My abuser is still in my life.

I feel very emotional today. I feel like that most days now to be honest. Since I made the decision to face what happened to me and not pretend it didn't happen I feel worse than ever before.

It's all my fault anyway....


Last edited by Lucy84 : 09-08-2014 at 06:35 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 09-08-2014, 06:54 AM   #5
crazykat
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I am glad that you felt able to reach out to us and ask for support that isn't easy so well done. I hope that by being here and also reading others experiences you will see that you have been through and continue to go through is similar to what others may have been through and hopefully that will help you feel less alone.

Starting counselling is a scary thing and often it does make people feel worse in the beginning but through working on it and in time you will begin to heal. Perhaps it is worth speaking to your counsellor about your struggles in between sessions so that you can together work on a plan of strategies you could use to help you get through. Self-soothing can be really helpful so trying to do things that make you feel safe and secure. You might find this link on self-soothing really helpful to give you some ideas of things that could help when your feeling distressed.

I don't know your personal story but one thing I do know that it is common for those who have been abused to feel like it is their fault even when quite often it is not. Perhaps this is something worthwhile exploring with your counsellor. It must be difficult to still have your abuser in your life, are you safe from them? If not I think it is important to explore options of how you can maintain your safety so I would recommend talking to your counsellor about it as your safety is really important in order for you to begin to heal. Best of luck



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 09-08-2014, 07:48 AM   #6
Lucy84
 
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I am too afraid to tell my story incase people don't believe me and incase I bother people too much. I don't want to make anyone angry.....

My abuser is still in my life. I will never be safe from him.

I feel like it is all my fault anyway. I am so ashamed.

I have always been alone with this secret. I have never cried over it. I just cut myself instead. I feel like that is better than bothering other people....

I am so confused... I want help and support.... I am just so afraid to ask....

Sorry for your time.
Thank you for replying...

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Old 09-08-2014, 07:53 AM   #7
in_BPD_hell
 
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Hey

Sorry you've been through this. I'm your age and self harm too although I haven't been through what you have I was raped at 19.
I wish you well with the counselling - what type is it? How long for?
If you need to chat feel free to message me

Xx



I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..

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Old 09-08-2014, 08:12 AM   #8
Lucy84
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_BPD_hell View Post
Hey

Sorry you've been through this. I'm your age and self harm too although I haven't been through what you have I was raped at 19.
I wish you well with the counselling - what type is it? How long for?
If you need to chat feel free to message me

Xx
I am sorry you were raped. Whether once or lots of times it should never happen. I have private one to one counselling. My counsellor is lovely. I have been seeing her for several months now and she is very good and does not put pressure on me. I am going to need to work with her for a long time to try and talk about what happened to me out loud and hen decide what to do about my abuser.

I feel very alone and very scared right now....

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Old 09-08-2014, 09:42 AM   #9
lozza
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*sending big safe cuddles*

I was abused by my grandpa. it took me many many years to tell anyone. actually the only reason people found out in the end is cuz I tried to take my own life and consequently ended up in a&e.

it can take such a long time to work through any kind of abuse and especially to find someone you trust enough to talk it all though with. can I ask if its your choice that your abuser is still in your life? how does it make you feel?

for me.. mine was for many years. I was so afraid and terrified of breaking my whole family in two! I felt like I asked the abuse to happen and so that made it even harder to speak up..

no abuse is your fault though. you did NOT ask for this to happen. nor would you wish it to happen to anyone else.

I know you feel really alone and scared but I can also see your strength through sharing what you already have. and your not alone. it will be a long journey but you can get through this, you are stronger than what you think! and it also sounds like you have a lovely counsellor:)

if you ever wanna pm me you can.

thinking of you.



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2014, 09:53 AM   #10
in_BPD_hell
 
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I think your being really brave x



I don't understand myself... I'm searching for the person I am, and the person I want to be..

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Old 09-08-2014, 10:29 AM   #11
Lucy84
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lozza View Post
*sending big safe cuddles*

I was abused by my grandpa. it took me many many years to tell anyone. actually the only reason people found out in the end is cuz I tried to take my own life and consequently ended up in a&e.

it can take such a long time to work through any kind of abuse and especially to find someone you trust enough to talk it all though with. can I ask if its your choice that your abuser is still in your life? how does it make you feel?

for me.. mine was for many years. I was so afraid and terrified of breaking my whole family in two! I felt like I asked the abuse to happen and so that made it even harder to speak up..

no abuse is your fault though. you did NOT ask for this to happen. nor would you wish it to happen to anyone else.

I know you feel really alone and scared but I can also see your strength through sharing what you already have. and your not alone. it will be a long journey but you can get through this, you are stronger than what you think! and it also sounds like you have a lovely counsellor:)

if you ever wanna pm me you can.

thinking of you.
I am sorry for what you have been through.

I told my mother and a teacher when i was 13. My mother said I was lying and I had to go back home.

My abuser is my step father. My mother is still married to him now. She chose him over me.

Trust me... i am a mess... none of you want to hear my story.... you will get fed up with me...

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Old 09-08-2014, 10:29 AM   #12
Lucy84
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by in_BPD_hell View Post
I think your being really brave x
Thank you but I am not brave. I am a burden... x

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Old 09-08-2014, 02:50 PM   #13
LittleCloud
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You are not a burden at all. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so intensely- it's great you have a counsellor you can trust no matter how long you need to see them. If you need to talk I'll listen and know others will too



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 09-08-2014, 03:00 PM   #14
JusC
 
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I'm new to the site as well so ur not on ur own but I'm really sorry to heat that u went through this. You don't need to del ashamed cuz u haven't done anything wrong. This person needs locking away for what they did. You dont deserve it.

If u feel like u don't want to talk to anyone then that should be ur choice but sometimes talking can help and it don't have to be with anyone u know. You can get proffesional help or someone u can go to to help and advice u further. I mean u have gone a through a bad time and this has effected ur life so without feeling ur alone u can turn to support with other victims who have gone through what u have.

There's always support out there if u need it and there's this site now to speck to other members two. I know it would be hard to make that first step but I do it in ur own time. Remebeer were all here for u.

Hope that has helped x

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Old 09-08-2014, 03:25 PM   #15
Lucy84
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleCloud View Post
You are not a burden at all. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so intensely- it's great you have a counsellor you can trust no matter how long you need to see them. If you need to talk I'll listen and know others will too
Thank you... I am struggling. More than I let on to anyone. I have everything locked away inside because I am too afraid to burden people. I put on a front every single day and it is so hard. I have never cried over what he did to me. I get to the point where I want to cry...like now.....but i will cut myself instead.

I would love to talk. To just tell someone... but I would burden you... it would not be fair... x

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Old 09-08-2014, 09:02 PM   #16
Lucy84
 
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I feel so alone....

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Old 09-08-2014, 09:37 PM   #17
LittleCloud
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy84 View Post
Thank you... I am struggling. More than I let on to anyone. I have everything locked away inside because I am too afraid to burden people. I put on a front every single day and it is so hard. I have never cried over what he did to me. I get to the point where I want to cry...like now.....but i will cut myself instead.

I would love to talk. To just tell someone... but I would burden you... it would not be fair... x
*hugs* you aren't a burden- I'll listen without judgement and know others will too. It must be agony, the emotions. I hope that your counsellor can help you in time to let them out in a way that doesn't hurt you physically



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 09-08-2014, 09:49 PM   #18
Lucy84
 
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Thank you. I am so frightened. The feelings I am having scare me. I have so many emotions locked away all at once that they overwhelm me. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I feel very alone. Very ashamed. Very disgusting. Trust me... you wouldn't want to listen to what he did to me.... I am disgusting....

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Old 10-08-2014, 05:49 AM   #19
lozza
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*big cuddles* we are here if you want to talk, about anything! you will not burden us.

we do not judge and you don't have to go through this alone anymore. I know its scary and I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

thinking of you.



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 10-08-2014, 08:18 AM   #20
Lucy84
 
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*big cuddles* we are here if you want to talk, about anything! you will not burden us.

we do not judge and you don't have to go through this alone anymore. I know its scary and I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

thinking of you.
Thank you. I want to get everything out my head but I feel so afraid and ashamed. I cut myself last night and now I feel like an idiot.
I just feel like cutting is better than bothering others but all I want to do is talk...... I hate feeling this way every single day.... he is tearing me apart... I am so stupid.

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