I can't do this anymore, I feel ****ed up, I am physically sick to my stomach and I feel numb at the same time... I've been way worse, but right now everything is too overwhelming... I've been free since September 10th 2007, so that will be 2 years, 6 months and 14 days right now and I'm willing and ready to throw it all away and start over as off tomorrow, because right now I just want to cut my hip to shreds and I don't even care right now. I need it, I have to do it, I can't do it any other way anymore. I'm so scared to lose my boyfriend, I promissed... but I can't do it by myself... I need to cut... I'm just gonna do it... he doesn't need to know it... does he? Will he find out? Will my parents find out? Will I hurt them like I've hurt them before? Please let me be the only one to know, I can't live with the idea of hurting the ones I love... I don't know it anymore... I feel like in any normal situation I'd be crying my eyes out right now... But I'm too numb to cry... I'm too numb to have a facial expression... I'm twisted, I'm sick, I'm ****ed up.... I don't know it anymore, I'm giving in.
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. You should be proud of yourself for going 2 1/2 years without cutting! Has anything happened lately that could have triggered these feelings? Maybe give your boyfriend a call and talk to him about how you are feeling in hopes that he can talk you out of it or if you have a psych or therapist make an appointment to go see them and hold out for a few more days. I know it is hard to get through these urges, but you will get through them and you are a very strong person. Just keep your mind and hands busy when you have these urges and hopefully the urge will pass. If you need anything you can always send me a PM. Anyways, I hope this has helped a little and take care. xxx :) *hugs*
Thank you so much for that reply, it means a lot to me.
I'm ashamed of myself, I feel guilty, because I didn't resist the urges. I gave in, I failed. My boyfriend called me, I told him and I made him feel bad, because he feels there's nothing he can do. That made me feel worse.
I forgot the feeling of cutting... I forgot the emotions that come along... I forgot everything around it, but I thought I still knew it all so well... The worst thing is that it felt so good at the moment and even afterwards... If it wasnt' for the immens guilt I'm feeling, I'd be back in my old habit, but I just feel like I can't bear to feel this guilty.
I'm seeing my therapist Tuesday and I feel like I have to tell her... but I'm scared, because she made me make this huge list of distractions, but I ignored it. I wanted to do it, so I did it... I didn't even fight... At least, I don't feel I did. I just went right in. I feel like I lost control, but that can't be what it was, because it was MY decision. Nobody elses. There's no such thing in my head that took over all control. It doesn't exist.
I feel like I failed, I'm scared to talk to my therapist about it, but I'm guessing I've got to.
Thanks anyways for you message, it means alot to me *hug*
I'm sorry to hear you gave in hun, you're not a failure though, you've done absolutley amazing. Please talk to your therapist about this though hun. Take care. <3
I'm sorry that you slippped up. It doesnt make you a failure though you can get through this. Slipping up is all part of recovery dont give up. Do you know what it was that caused you to slip up? Just because you didnt resist the urges doesnt mean that you didnt try your best. From what i read i think you did really well to go so long without harming yourself and i think you did your best even if you dont feel you did. Please do talk to your therapist about things, if you dont then she cant help you. I think you should also consider looking at the list of distractions she gave you. Keep fighting.
