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Old 02-02-2018, 12:17 AM   #53261
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Haha! I really do like The Apprentice! I never really like any of the candidates! I think that's what I like about it. :P



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

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Old 02-02-2018, 12:19 AM   #53262
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Thanks Hannah but everyone else can manage so I should be able to. Also I don’t treat other people right all the time and that’s more important. I need to be nice and that means no matter how overwhelmed or anxious I feel I shouldn’t snap or say mean things to people I care about. I am improving I think but it’s not good enough and I’m hurting people and I feel terrible about it. I’m so scared of hurting people that it makes everything feel so much worse.

DBT is helping. I have one to one sessions so I don’t have to miss work which is really good that I was able to access it so I’m really lucky. It’s definitely the right type of therapy for me I think. I find it hard to find time to practise skills and remember often enough between fortnightly sessions though because I don’t currently have my life under control, I just need Bernard’s watch. That would solve my issues.




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Old 02-02-2018, 12:24 AM   #53263
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Oh Katie. Not everyone else can manage. There are a LOT of people who don't manage at all. I think you're doing exceptionally well considering what you have to cope with day-to-day with your mental health. Someone once told me that managing a mental illness is often like having a full time job, and I think they were right. SO you've got this job of managing your emotions and behaviours ON TOP of dealing with normal life stuff. It's no wonder you feel overwhelmed. Do you know what it would take to get your life under control? What would that look like? I know it's horrible when feelings project onto other people and you get snappy. Have you explained to them? Perhaps they understand. You deserve kindness and encouragement, not punishment or judgement, from yourself or anyone else.



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Old 02-02-2018, 12:30 AM   #53264
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Katie, I think Ducky is very wise. She said lots of what I was going to say but better :P I really think you're doing so well, and I don't think you deserve to be so hard on yourself. EVERYONE struggles sometimes, and everyone takes it out on other people sometimes. It's harder when you have mental health stuff to deal with too, but you deserve to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself when you do make mistakes. I'm glad that DBT is going well. I know it's hard to actually fit in practising skills. Can you try to set aside some time each day or a few times a week to focus on it?



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 02-02-2018, 12:38 AM   #53265
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Thanks ducky, that is kind. I think to get my life under control I would have my to do lists sorted so I want to buy a pretty list book from paperchase to motivate me to have different lists for work and Home and stuff to help me manage my work but also manage my anxiety around the tasks that I have to do. Having one of those books with multiple lists inside means I can break down my lists into smaller chunks to help them be manageable when I need to so it could be really helpful. This is going to be my first job of the weekend.
Then I would be able to know what I needed to do and when and I could update lists accordingly and even though it would be a lot o wouldn’t panic as much because i would at least know what I had to do rather than now where i am just drowning.

The people I tend to snap at do understand and know the reasons but it doesn’t feel any better. And it’s way too often and too much for them to cope with so they can’t deal with it anymore, I have to hang. I am working so hard to change but I keep doing it wrong and it’s not quick enough. I’m absolutely terrified that I won’t be able to change enough to not lose everything and everyone that matters to me or maybe I can’t change completely because I just have a vile and manipulative personality and that’s who I am. Evil and mean. It’s not an illness, just me. I feel like two people sometimes. There’s this other person in me that appears when I’m anxious and overwhelmed (which is unfortunately a lot) and she takes over and sounds cross or mean and hurts everyone. Then I come back and I’m just so upset and terrified that I’ve hurt people I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.

Also Hannah yes when I get my life under control I will set aside practising DBT time, so as well as the list book I need to sort out scheduling a little better, I usually use my phone but perhaps there’s a better way, diary? Unsure if I would use it properly, but I could try.




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Old 02-02-2018, 12:51 AM   #53266
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Getting yourself organised with lists sounds like an excellent plan. Definitely treat yourself to one of those book from Paperchase. You're not going to drown.


EVERYONE has the potential to change. I truly believe that. Was looking at some research on neural plasticity the other day and how your brain can make new connections a relearn how to do things. DBT will help with that. Do you practice mindfulness as part of that? It is certainly no quick fix, as unfortunately there's no such thing with mental health (or anything worthwhile, really), but it can help you to relearn how to respond to things. You're not evil and mean. You're hurting and poorly, and that's very different. I don't think it's about changing who you are completely - you will still be lovely, kind, funny Katie. You will just be lovely, kind, funny Katie who is also more in control and happier. Your essence won't change, because it doesn't need to. It's wonderful as it is.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

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Old 02-02-2018, 11:12 AM   #53267
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Katie sweetie, I really am sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. I think the list book sounds like a good idea. I need to get back into listing I think.

You are not any of those horrible things, You're kind, and supportive and funny and lovely. Yes, maybe you snap and say/do horrible things but that doesn't make you horrible. It makes you normal tbh as we all do that in some way or another. You will gain more control of it and you have that ability to change that. I do understand where you are coming from though, i've sometimes thought the same about myself. I can be similar..for example, my housemate ****ed off home this week, knowing full well I struggle on my own so my first (and comforting) thoughts was that I'd do the same back, and go home sunday and not come back and give her a miserable week. You can gain control.

Also, you are doing so so well with working.You've got this.

Ducky, how are you?

Hannah, how did you do in the quiz? How are you doing today?

The apprentice is borderline, I enjoy watching it, usually dislike all the candidates, but Lord sugar annoys me so much now. I get what you're saying about "housewives of X,Y,Z" though.



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Old 02-02-2018, 10:23 PM   #53268
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Thanks guys, sorry for whingeing on so much at you all. I hope you're all ok today, does anyone have nice weekend plans?




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Old 02-02-2018, 10:38 PM   #53269
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Don't be sorry. I have a trampolining competition tomorrow. Need to get up at 4 although I'm convincing myself I have a blood clot and need to stay awake until I feel ill. Love my mind. Then I have a date on Sunday.

How are you?



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Old 02-02-2018, 10:49 PM   #53270
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getting up at 4 sounds horrific tbh. how far do you need to travel for the competition?? ooh a date how exciting, where are you going on this date?
I'm fairly sure you don't have a blood clot so it's safe to sleep, I promise.

I'm anxious, but ok. Had a better day today and I'm being a slightly better version of me I hope. Well I'm trying at least. I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm just so scared.




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Old 02-02-2018, 10:53 PM   #53271
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No need to apologise, Katie. How're you doing? What are you going to be doing with your days off?


Hey Leigh. Get up at 4am?! That's mad. I hope the competition goes well! I'm sure you haven't got a blood clot. What makes you think that you have? Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from the thoughts? It's OK to sleep. Honestly.


I'm tired. Got sent home from work today because it wasn't really safe for me to be there. I kept making mistakes, which I rarely do. Now I'm panicking I'm going to get the sack! I love my job. Weekend plans include Mum coming to see me tomorrow and a walk on the beach, weather permitting. I like the smell of the seaside. Sunday I'm on toddlers church team. :)



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 02-02-2018, 11:02 PM   #53272
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I have pins and needles in one leg and all my veins in that leg are sticking out. I'm sure it's psychosomatic but my veins in my calf are really thredy and bulgy. I think it's just cause my fear of having a blood clot and then a stroke. Watching friends and will hopefully manage to sleep soon.

I'm positive you won't get the sack. People make mistakes and the kind of mental stress you've been under lately, would be taken in consideration if anything was to come of it. Like you said, you rarely do it. You will be okay.

A weekend walk on the beach sounds nice.



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Old 02-02-2018, 11:05 PM   #53273
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it's going to be ok ducky, if i remember rightly your manager is really supportive? you won't get sacked! you are poorly and it's important that you went home for your own safety and wellbeing too. Try not to worry. Is there anyone from work you can talk to over the weekend to ease your worries? Your weekend plans sound lovely though so that should help to keep you occupied and hopefully calm.

I have a teaching union equalities meeting tomorrow morning but i'm going to go early so I can go to the bank and hopefully find paperchase and buy myself a new list book. I also found a page a day diary in the sale this evening so i have one of those too that i can try to use and see if i find that helpful. If i treat myself to exciting stationery then i will definitely want to get my life under control! I am also going to see some comedy with jenna tomorrow evening and will have to get on with a lot of work on sunday to be ready for next week =/




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Old 02-02-2018, 11:13 PM   #53274
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I hope watching friends helps and that you're able to get some rest soon.


Oh stationery! I love it. My favourite bit of going back to school every September was going to choose my new pencil case and things to put in it. <3 I hope you enjoy browsing paperchase and get what you need. It's going to be OK. You're going to be OK. You're too determined not to be.


I messaged my manager to say thank you for being patient with me. She said this: "You’re worth it. You are an intelligent young lady and you bring so much more than you realise to our team. Hope you have a good sleep. Night night ."


So perhaps it'll be OK. I feel so terrible at my job at the moment. I haven't been as good at it since starting the med change. Hopefully the lack of concentration and sleep will start to improve soon.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 02-02-2018, 11:21 PM   #53275
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It will definitely be ok, she sounds lovely and thinks a lot of you (because you deserve it). I do understand the feeling of being terrible at your job, but I'm sure you're not being terrible - I think minds can play tricks on us too and if things feel different or we aren't living up to our own very high standards of ourselves then we can be really harsh on ourselves and criticise and think we are rubbish at our jobs when actually we are just human and reacting to our difficult circumstances the best we can.

I hope you manage to get some sleep soon Leigh!

I always enjoy paperchase, I don't know if I will be ok though. I'm not sure about determined... stubborn maybe... I really don't know anymore, I think i've had enough again. I don't want to do it anymore, I'm too exhausted to fight.




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Old 02-02-2018, 11:32 PM   #53276
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Thank you. I'm getting really worked up, so have phoned the crisis team answering service asking for a call back. I'm being so needy at the moment. It's a joke. The past month has been a nightmare. I'm scared it'll never stop and that I'll never be OK again. I keep being reassured that it's the medication and it should settle after a couple more weeks. What if they're wrong though?


You will be OK. Determined/stubborn, doesn't matter as long as whatever it is helps to see you through this. You will get through it. It's worth the fight, really it is. I know you're tired and need a rest. That rest will come through healthy things though, which is how it is supposed to be. You can do this.



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This isn't everything you are.


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Old 03-02-2018, 05:16 PM   #53277
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It's not needy, it's ok. I'm glad you phoned the crisis team as that's what they are there for. How are you doing today?




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Old 03-02-2018, 05:26 PM   #53278
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Thanks Katie. How are you doing?


Today is horrible. I've got an awful cold and I keep getting so panicky. I've been in bed all day, partly because of the cold, partly because I can't face doing anything. Moanmoanmoan.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 03-02-2018, 06:00 PM   #53279
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It sucks being physically ill as well, do you haven any nice things to make you feel better? Lempsip/hot chocolate/hot water bottle/DVD’s/cuddly toys
/ yummy snacks would be my recommendations... it’s ok to stay in bed all day and look after yourself but not if you’re going to feel bad about it, you might as well relax and use the time to recover the best you can. You don’t have to do anything else, it’s ok, just rest.

I’ve bought some nice sticky notes and stuff so organisation will be more fun. My meeting was long and I’m tired and on my way out to see comedy which I will hopefully enjoy. I am feeling very anxious though




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Old 04-02-2018, 10:56 AM   #53280
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I hope you're feeling better today ducky.

Katie, I hope you enjoyed your comedy show and managed to rest, yay for new sticky notes and stationary.

What's everyone up to today?

I came third in my competition yesterday. Totally unexpected (and now brain is thinking they got some stuff wrong urgh troll troll troll haha) so I'm pretty chuffed. I'm going out on a date in a bit..already think I've decided that a relationship won't happen so feeling a bit unmotivated and I'm tired even though I slept for 12 and a half hrs.



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