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Old 13-06-2010, 07:47 PM   #1
mab
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
I am currently:
Triggering - confused

No one knows what true happiness is or contentment.
For we all have those things in common at some time.
There is no escape from unhappiness and discontentment.
For this is our reality check from time to time. This is life.

This is fine, but unless we learn from this, what is the purpose.
There have been many times of unhappiness and discontentment
I have not always gained an understanding of those times.
I am confused why we have to be continually tested in such bad ways

What can one learn from the assault on ones purity, innocence and soul?
For the very soul can be ripped out in an instance, by anotherís selfishness
Oneís heart stands cold and unfeeling, as the very core of who you are is stolen
Not for those of us whom have lost our true being to feel alive and worthy

It can never be repaired once innocence has been brutally and selfishly taken
Stripped of all belonging, feeling, soulless, warmth, safety and trust
Never to learn to truly trust another again. Inner being fragile to all.
In the presence of others, we remain strong and silent within thy sorrow.

We hide this pain not just to protect one, but others close to us. Is this selfish?
For I have become a protector of my childrenís innocence, they are respectful.
Respectful of life, others and those around them. More importantly themselves.
They know I will always put them first, for they are truly loved that it hurts.

However, I cannot love myself, I am unable to like my inner or outer being
Degradation, shame, pain, hurt and humility remind me of whom I am.
This is how it truly feels, masked often by the medication, to get through a day
Without this chemical balance I am nothing, I am lost, I feel pain and shame

I test my resolve frequently; I am unable to cope with inner turmoil on my own
I have had no choice but to trust in an other, I believe him to be true.
Sadly I feel uneasy still, I wait to be let down, but I respect his judgement.
I respectfully adhere to what is expected of me, I must accept his help.

I have to try harder to fight off the past. It must be done or I will never truly be
I self hurt to release those feelings, only to feel shame. I am humiliated
Why I seek solace in self-harm is something I am confused about.
My soul is scarred; it has long been a part of who I am and who I have become.

I have the greatest respect for those trying to help me through this turmoil.
I always try to see the good in people around me, but have been let down.
It is difficult to trust. If I am honest I do not know how to do this.
This always has been and continues to be a complicated concept to me.

Degrees and qualifications are meaningless without feeling and pride.
These have lost me the very people I should be able to turn to, my family
What is it like to have self worth, respect? To value oneself?
Why is it that I can respect others, but not myself. I have no value!

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