Okay, so I'm basically gonan come out with it all. And lay it all out on the table. I'm sorry if it's too much information, I just, really need some sort of help or something right now.
Okay, so basically, I was friends with this guy. One night, I was meant to go to a youth group at my church, but it wasn't on, and instead of going home, I decided to call him so we could hang out for a bit. Well, long story short, that night, I was raped.
It was really hard for me that week (well the first two days) I told very few people, and tried to fidn things to laugh about (like the fact that he had a small penis; kept me going for ages). But then, two days after, I totally broke down in P.E. I told my P.E. teacher about it all. I thought I coudl trust her. I told her everything, and how I was planning to go to a clinic that night to get a pill and stuff like that. But she started going on about the guy, and the actual rape, and how it was illegal. But I didn't want to talk about that, I found it so hard to accept that it was rape. She went to the Student Security Officer (or soemthing liek that. he's a knob either way) in the school. And told him. And I was crying and crap like that. He rang my mum, and told her she had to come in school. I had to tell my mum!!
It was awful, I told her, but I was still not accepting that I was raped. So I just told her that things had gone too far with a boy, and he didn't stop event hough I begged him to. I was too scared. Well she blamed me, told me it was all my fault, and that I was tearing the family. And how could I go and have sex like that? I was only 13 a couple of weeks a go. Blah Blah Blah. My P.E. teacher got a bit angry with her, and was tellign her that it was rape and tat my mum had no right to blame me. And stuff. I zoned out at this point. I felt like I had let my whole family down.
I spent the whole night begging my mum not to tell the police, or my Dad. My mum said that she wasn't gonna tell me my dad or the police. She said that if I got my dad involved he would have me taken off her. Her fianceé treated me like a little kid and kept saying that I had just made a little mistake, I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't.
After a few weeks. I finally accepted that Iw as raped, and that my mum was right, it was all my fault. But, I didn't bother to deal with it. I just decided to act like it didn't happen, and that it wasn't my fault that my mum was drinking. I was so proud of myself. I hadn;'t cut myself over it in months.
But then I saw him again. A few months ago. When I moved home. Now I'm so afraid. He walks past my house almost everyday. I see him with other girls and wonder how he's treating them. I'm so scared for myself. I won't even go near my mum's fianceé alone, I'm scared he'll hurt me or rape me. I have dreams about being raped by people I know, teachers, friends, cousins. It's awful.
And I've started SIing about it again, because I feel so awful, and guilty. And it's pathetic. It's months ago. I should be over it now, right??
I'm so scared, and confused, and screwed up. Help ??
She Was Kinda Fragile
And She Had Alot To Grapple With
But Basically She Kept It All Inside....
It's not pathetic. You can't say that just because one person might have healed from something like that, you should have healed by now. Hell, it'll be nearly 4 years for me this winter, and I'm nowhere near "over it". Give yourself time sweetie.
Now, I don't know about your mum, but I cannot see how this could possibly be your fault in any way. You were friends with this guy. You called him to hang out. Why on earth would wanting to hang out with someone automatically mean you wanted to have sex with them? (If it did, then I'm so screwed. In every sense of the word). But basically, the general idea is this:
his actions = his responsibility = his fault
I would really recommend going to see a therapist to work through the feelings you have about this guy, and the way they're affecting you in day-to-day life.
As for dreams. I know they can be very terrifying, but that's all they are - dreams. They're not real sweetie. If they keep waking you up, try some calm breathing exercises, remind yourself of where you are and what is around you. If you don't want to go straight back to sleep try reading a book to distract yourself or something.
I guess all I can really say now is that you're not to blame for this. I know you're probably feel so many things, all confusing, but please - hang on to the fact that it is not your fault, and you matter to us, and you are beautiful. Take care xxx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
thats an awful lot to deal with on your own, and you abviously dont have the support from your family which is sad and would make it much harder for you.
as Gothic angel said i think counselling would really benefit you at this stage. there is no time limit for this sort of thing hun, different factors like if you have support and if you have someone to talk to all make a difference in the recovery process. you need to get it all out sweetie if you weant to heal.
sadly this will always be with you, but it's up to you whether you choose to live your life to the full, or is this guy going to rule the rest of your life as well.
your dreams are a way for your mind to work through this trauma, even though they may not make sense sometimes. but as you sleep it is safe for your mind to try and make sense of what happened to you.
i'm really sorry that your mum felt like you had to carry some of the blame, it's hard to understand how our parents minds work sometimes, maybe it was just to much for her to accept, because she couldnt protect you.
either way i think you really should seek some professional help from a therapist.
take care hun
Pm if you need to chat xoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....