Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 06-05-2008, 10:08 PM   #1
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:
Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - I dont understand

Why? why did he do it to me? im so ashamed to even say what happened when im with my counsellor i just say the incident nothing else. Otherwise it's a taboo subject for me to discuss. I have male friends but i get scared hugging them because of what could happen - why am i so scared, it terrifies me. I wont even walk home at night because im scared what might happen to me :( im sorry i dont know how much longer i can cope with this shame and guilt -he continues his life happy as larry and im barely functioning on a day to day basis im sorry but hes ruined my life. I hate him. Someone who is meant to protect and be there for me. Still in my life probably doesnt remember doing it. I have to live with it and i can barely cope i cant even hug guys properly how pathetic.



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2008, 10:25 PM   #2
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Not pathetic at all - it's completely normal - you have been hurt terribly and your trust completely broken. If someone hugs me my 'friends' say Oh she doesn't like being hugged... but none of them have ever stopped to ask why - it makes me feel like a freak - I'd love to feel comfortable being hugged. It's really hard having to see this person getting on with their life as if nothing has happened - (I'm sure they remember) - it does get easier to cope both on a day to day basis and having to see this person - but I dont think you can ever feel like you did before. Try and do some things that you do enjoy - or read the posts of others and reply - that's what I'm doing at the moment and it does seem to help a bit and certainly distracts me for a while from thinking about my own misery too much. Feel free to tell me anything you want - I won't judge you, I'll just offer my thoughts and some comfort where I can. Take care and try and remember you are worthwhile.



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2008, 11:16 PM   #3
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

Thank you, thing is i was so young and it was my own brother - i just dont understand and its driving me mad because i never will. *hugs* im sorry you have the same problem with the hugging etc you arent a freak at all. Like females i can hug, but males if they come near me i just curl up into a ball. It's like i have never had a close intimate relationship with anyone because im scared, i always cover up as much as possible, i just disregard my body so much because i figure the worse it looks the less likely someone will try and hurt me again -does that make any sense at all?



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2008, 12:15 AM   #4
troubleshooter
 
troubleshooter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: USA

*hugs* Oh sweetie it's not your fault. Most people feel lots of awful feelings after being hurt, but you didn't cause it and it's natural to be scared of even little things. Many many women and girls shy away from men after stuff. In time you might get more comfortable. Also, try to take care of yourself, at least keeping some good hygiene and stuff. It doesn't matter if you're dity or clean or pretty or ugly, you can protect yourself properly. If you're scared carry something that might make you more secure like a little keychain siren okay? And remember you're not pathetic. Try to get some therapy and feel free to drop in the safe room if you ever need some support. *hugs*

troubleshooter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2008, 12:38 AM   #5
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Hi again, it's like looking in a mirror it makes so much sense- my brother was one of my abusers too - it's hard seeing them and hating them and having to pretend to the family and the outside world that all is well. A long time ago I decided to make myself fat and ugly (I'm overweight but looking back at photos I wasn't actually bad at all - I just felt it - I think I still think I am more repulsive than I actually am (at least I hoep so or I am really disgusting). Just recently I have decided I don't want to be repulsive anymore - don't know what made me change my mind - and I have also decided I want to share - do I feel any better - not right now I don't I feel awful but in the back of my mind there is hope - otherwise why would I be coming to this site everyday - there has to be a life out there for all of us that is worth living - we just have to work that bit harder to get it than some of our friends and family. But we are worth it. I think that our feelings will be pretty similar - our thoughts of our brothers and of the family that didn't help. Maybe we can help each other.



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2008, 09:10 AM   #6
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

Thank you, yeah i mean im hygenic and that i just never wear nice clothes, i sh so people wont come near me, i just dont make any real effort with my appearance. It turns my stomach sometimes when my brother says "you have a pretty face" i want to be sick. I have counselling and we talk about it but i freak out so much. I do have a rape alarm but im so scared :(. Yeah def, i know those feelings, i have medication to help me try and loose weight. Im sure you aren't repulsive sweetie *hugs* there is always hope however slim it may be and if we dont have it ourselves someone else will have it for us until we can see it again. Whilst these people try and screw you up the more we keep fighting and achieving what we want the more we can show we are worth it and that no matter what they did they will never beat us.



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2008, 02:00 PM   #7
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Pretty positive writing there - good for you - how come we can be so positive for other people but when it comes to ourselves all we have is negative thoughts and beliefs. I know I could give a positive reaction to any of your comments and truly believe they are right for you and that you are worth it - but I can't believe the same things for me -I don't get it.



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2008, 02:35 PM   #8
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

I dont either, i think part of it is that we have got so used to living and being comfortable with our negativity that anything positive or different to what we "know" doesnt feel right so we reject it because its unatural. I mean why is it different? i guess the truth is it isnt but we believe it to be different because of how the abuser made us feel-truth of the matter is we are no different and these things are right for both of us and everyone else, we just have to learn to believe it. *hugs*



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2008, 12:25 AM   #9
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Hi there - just checking in to see how you are? hope things are Ok for you - my mind is pretty full right now but I am still around if you need anything.
Take care x



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2008, 04:40 PM   #10
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

Hey
Hows things for you? im so-so bit confused but i know im going to get better somehow. Hope your ok im here if you ever want to chat
take care
xxx



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2008, 05:24 PM   #11
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

You will get better - just try to keep believing that - what's confusing you - your feelings and thoughts or someone else? I've just started to writemy story - got it scard me to write it - but I did it (well a little bit of it anyway -it's in Veterans Support) it's about what we spoke about so you may not feel like readind it and that's Ok - but I needed to do something as like you one day I DO want to feel better. Hugs to you



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2008, 11:17 AM   #12
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

I'm just confused as to why i cant get the words out of my mouth i just say incident with my brother, why i have the shame and guilt? i told my counsellor and i looked at the floor the whole time because i couldnt face looking up. I know ill never understand why or anything but seeing him now sometimes makes me realise how pathetic he is sometimes. Thanks ill have a read, hun you will get better and ill help you in any way i can :) *hugs* How are you doing now? I dont know if it would help but i wrote a letter to my brother im never going to give it to him but it says how he made me feel, what i think of him and just what it did to me etc.



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 12:23 AM   #13
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

I did once write a letter - it wasn't too anyone but it said bits of what happened and how I flet and my resentment to my mum for not helping me - it was in the smallest writing ever - my mum found it - she said she picked my bag up upside down - she woke me that morning screaming and shouting at me -I was 15 - that's when I was going to tell someone and she threatened that she wouldn't be there when I got back if I told - it's never been discussed since. This will go into my stroy eventually.
I am ok - feeling a bit better than this time yesterday - it has been good having some responsesto my story - even it they just hug it feels good that someone has actually spent time to do that for you even now they know what they do about you.
Thinking of you. x x



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 03:18 AM   #14
The Dollhouse
Picking Up The Pieces Of All That's Left...
 
The Dollhouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In Ana's Hands
I am currently:

oh hun, i totally get what you mean. everything you said describes me. i feel like my entire life is ruled by the memories, and everything else it has caused (depression, ed, ptsd, anxiety, etc). i feel like i have no life, yet they're out there walking around, living normal happy lives, and i'm here suffering the consequences. it doesnt seem fair.
and its so hard, when they're still in your life, and you have to pretend like everythings okay. my nanna took me to one of my abusers place (i havent told anyone about the abuse) and it was so hard to sit there and pretend like everything was okay.
you can overcome all of this, and although it will take time, you can begin to trust people. in time, things will get better hun, you have to stay strong, and continuously tell yourself that you're not going to let this run your life anymore. your in control of your life, and you decide what will affect you and in what way. tell yourself that he isnt going to control your life anymore, you're stronger that he is, and you can beat it. he may have ruined your past, but you're strong enough to not let him ruin your present and future. your life belongs to you. i know you're strong enough to beat this, you can beat him, and show him that although he has hurt you, although he has caused you that pain, you are stronger than him and you wont let him have control.
just take it slow, when talking to your therapist and stuff like that. only talk about what you feel comfortable and ready to talk about. take it slowly, and just let it happen. dont try to force yourself into talking about anything until you're ready.
i hope that things improve. stay strong hun
xxx



"By the time the mind is able to comprehend what has happened, the wounds of the heart are already too deep..."

"I pull myself to pieces, I don't think I'll make it back,
Fall onto excuses for mistakes made in the past
I try not to believe, the little part of me
That says...I threw everything away."


Porcelain & Others a.k.a The Dollhouse


The Dollhouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 03:11 PM   #15
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

Katch -sweetie so many people care and i admire you so much for sharing your story its so brave. Im sorry your mum has been like that with you. Im glad your feeling a bit better things will get better in time and you will be happy one day :)

The trust thing is weird like i dont really trust men but i decided to have a male doctor and counsellor -i guessed they were legally bound not to touch me or come near me so i built up trust and my counsellor i tell him lots about how i feel about men and he says that if i have cbt that may help. Thank you, im so sorry you have been through it as well no one deserves it -i dont know if you see any of your abusers any more i really hope you dont but when i do i just know whatever i do now its for me and no one else hes not worth it i will beat this, i will be strong, and one day i hope to be in a good relationship. Your advice is brilliant thank you. Im only beginning to realise exactly what you say is true but its right and i just feel so much anger and resentment too i want to let go of that but i dont know how another thing that will come in time i hope.


Last edited by *Fading_existence* : 11-05-2008 at 03:13 PM. Reason: ...


RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 06:01 PM   #16
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Hey again - you sound so good - I'm proud of you. Things don't happen over night but they will come in time. Carrying around all this anger and resentment weighs you down and leaves you with less energy to deal with the things you can deal with. Letting go would be fantastic - when you see him keep looking at him with pity but dont waste any other thoughts on him - he is not worth it and you are worth so much more. keep your head up high and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hugs x x



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 06:47 PM   #17
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

Hey
Im trying my best thats all i can do - i see him and i hold resentment and anger but i just know im going to overcome what he did to me. Whilst its hard to cope with and some of it feels false like pretending it will get better but i have to believe it will somehow otherwise there isnt much hope. How have you been doing sweetie?xxx



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 07:33 PM   #18
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Keep doing your best and things will work out - you will never forget what happened and it will always be a part of who you are - but I beleive you will over come it and learn to be free from the feelings that bring you down.
I'm not doing too good at this moment but I have been Ok most of the day - a man just came to collect some of my dads possesions - including his computer which is the biggest memory I have of him - sitting at it or me having to show him how to do something on it - it just still seems so wrong that my dad died so suddenly and I didn't get to say goodbye. I'll be ok though as with everything it just takes time. x x



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 10:21 PM   #19
*Fading_existence*
lifescrap
 
*Fading_existence*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hampshire, UK
I am currently:

*hugs* im so sorry, that must have been so painful - when i lost my gran i couldnt really cope so sometimes i go to the cemetary where her plaque is and i just sit and talk to her, i sometimes even pray in my room and talk to her -whilst you dont get a reply you can say what you really want and i hope you have the belief that they can hear it and somehow guide you -i dont know if you have any beliefs like that but it has helped me in times of stuggle.
Is there anything i can do to help/comfort you? You will get through this hun, we are all with you every step of the way.
Thank you, i hope so too -im determined he wont get me down and ruin my life so im going to keep going just to prove him wrong once that is done my life is for me and what i want it to be. I know you CAN and WILL do the same and live a happy life. xxxxxxxxx



RYL Family
Rhapsodyinblue is my business partner
Avalanche is my best friend, Dancing Loony is my Niece
Queer Fringe is my god-daughter Hollz is my big sis, , Rainey is my sister,



*Fading_existence* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2008, 11:56 PM   #20
Katch
 
Katch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: South of England
I am currently:

Thanks Hun, I dont know why i feel so low at the moment and so very alone, I felt Ok earlier today. My dads ashes were thrown of beachy head (which is a well known suicide resort round here) there is no way I can go up there at the moment - a bit too tempting I think. What I don't get is I wasn't close to him at all even though he lived in this house - I feel like i didn't know him or he know me - but I just feel so lost - I don't thnk I am any help to anyone tonight so I think I may just read a bit - please know that I do care though - a lot - i'm just a bot useless right now. xx



Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of its ending is there a chance it could ever turn real?

My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*


Katch is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:38 AM.

Back to top