How do i begin to talk about all this stuff?
It can be very difficult to first tell someone about something bad which has happened - some people find it easier to write stuff down, because they cant seem to get the words out of their mouth. other people may find it easier to kind of 'build up' to it - like i started to talk about it on here in an anonamous forum where noone knew who i really was, and i said little things at first, and then i managed to say more and more, and then i managed to finally build up to writing it down and telling a therapist. i still cannot talk about it out loud properly, but i find it alot easier to talk about it on here or if i write it down.
how will i know that i am ready to?
i think you will know when you are ready, like as you say, when you cant hold it in anymore. when you need to get it out of your head and you need to try and sort through it and make sense of it all.
when is the best time?
I dont really think there ever is a 'best time'. i remember the first time i told someone in real life, i was kind of in a daze (now i know i was probably dissociating), and i just went out my house and i walked to the local councilling building and i asked for an emergency appointment, and i wrote it down, and i told someone. it all just kind of happened, without me having much control over the situation. but the feeling that i got after was relief. lots of relief.
when would i know?
i dont really think there is any way of knowing for definate - it just depends on how you feel.
where do i go? where do i turn?
you could start by trying to talk about things on here - maybe making a thread in the 'rant/vent' forum where noone can reply to you, or if you wanted replies, then make a thread in here. do you have any friends you can talk to? anyone that you could write it down for? a local mental health team? a doctor that you could talk to? or maybe if you dont feel able to go and physically talk to someone, you could call the samaritans (i dont know where you live, but the samaritans are a non judgemental charity which has people on the phones 24/7 for you to talk to - the number is 08457 909090 - i have found them quite helpful in times of crisis when i didnt have anyone else to talk to).
how will i ever be ready to talk about this stuff?
i know its really difficult, but it really can help getting it out. im not going to lie and say itll be easy, because it wont. all i can suggest is to take it slowly and at a pace which you're comfortable with.
how do i know that what they did and said was really wrong?
i dont know what happened, but i can say that the fact that you are on this website, and the fact that you feel so bad, shows that what they did and said was wrong. i can say with pretty much 100% sureness that you are not to blame for anything that happened, and that it is the other person who is completely in the wrong.
how do i know that its really ok to start talking about these things?
it is absolutely ok to talk about these things. you may surprise yourself at how supportive some people can be.
where do i go from here?
ive kind of already answered this question, but ill say it again anyway. maybe you could start by trying to write stuff out on this forum, and build up to writing stuff down and telling someone. you could go to your doctors and tell them and get referred to a mental health team who will help you work through the things you have been through, or alternatively you could contact your local councelling team (councellors tend to do more listening, and therapists tend to do more proactive stuff like helping you to manage emotions and intruding memories etc). the samaritans are always available to call or email, and there are many many supportive websites out there that you could find some help and support from. it is absolutely ok to talk about these things, and you have done nothing wrong and will do nothing wrong in talking about them.
im always a pm away if you ever wanted to talk : )
take care and look after yourself,