Graphic - im a prisoner *mentions suicide*

hope???k · 19-02-2014, 03:18 AM

i am a prisoner. A prisoner inside my mind. Trapped, lost, scared. No way out, just a path going in further and further. Trapped with my thoughts, my memories, myself.i'm surrounded by thoughts of self harming and suicide. To just end it. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be trapped. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own mind. I want out. I want freedom, but how?
Does it even matter? Can i really be free? or should i just stay trapped? Doesn't matter in the end. Nothing matters

LionCondemned · 19-02-2014, 03:47 AM

Hey there,

Do you have a professional worker that you can speak to about how you are feeling? it seems really frightening what you are experiencing right now, you must feel incredibly lonely.
if you dont have anyone professional to speak to, do you have any friends or family that you can talk to?

take care x

hope???k · 19-02-2014, 04:21 AM

I used to have a therapist, but I stopped going. Just lied and said everything was fine. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone. I guess thats why I posted on here

Patent Pending · 19-02-2014, 02:06 PM

Hey,

Sorry you're feeling so distressed right now. It sounds like you're dealing with some really strong emotions.

I think it might be really important for you to admit to your MH team/doctor etc that things are in fact not fine and that you are struggling. It can be really hard to do but it sounds like you need some support from people who are physically close to you.

Do any of your friends/family know how you're feeling?

x x x

hope???k · 19-02-2014, 10:43 PM

I don't really trust anyone to tell them how im feeling. Besides I can't talk to anyone. My anxiety gets really bad sometimes. I know I need help but it doesn't really matter. Nothing matters

My friends/family know that something is up but they don't really know how im feeling. It's easy keep it a secret.

Patent Pending · 20-02-2014, 04:06 PM

Hey,

I can understand that, I really can. I found it so hard for me to let anyone into my head and help me out of my depression, but it really is the first step to feeling better.

You says 'besides' you can't talk to anyone, so other than the trust issues you're having, is there something else that means you can't talk about it?

It does matter. You matter. If you're struggling, it matters.

You say your friends/family know, are they supportive about something being up, even if they don't know what's going on? It might seem easy to keep it a secret but it gets harder and harder as time goes by and it is much harder to ask for help further down the line.

x x x

Unbreakable. · 20-02-2014, 06:06 PM

Can you think of anything that would make it easier for you to do therapy and make actual use of it?

hope???k · 20-02-2014, 07:03 PM

I just really can't talk to anyone. I find it difficult. Even the simplest things like when I'm buying something, I can't even face the cashier.

My family is supportive most of the time, but sometimes, they just make things worse. Like this one time my mom called me saying you have to start being 'normal' or else your going back to IP. and this so far is freaking me out.

I just, idk anything anymore. I really do believe that just nothing matters. That. Am small and unimportant and doesn't really deserve help.

Nothing makes therapy easier.I absolutely despise it and im not going back

LionCondemned · 20-02-2014, 07:42 PM

Hey there,

Thats okay, therapy isnt for everyone, and it does take some time to get used to it.
i think your mum said that to you because she doesnt understand what you are going through. maybe writing her a letter would help you to connect with her more?

take care x

hope???k · 20-02-2014, 08:08 PM

I forced into therapy for 2 years and in that time, I have been in and out of hospitals frequently. I couldn't cope with it and it was too much to handle.

It's possible that my parents dont understand. I wrote a letter to my mom once saying all the things that made me self harm and suicidal. She was really supportive day but the next day, it was like nothing happened.

I used to be able to connect grandpa since he also suffered from depression, but ever since he , it's been all downhill. I worse and worse and school got worse and worse. I feel so alone and just trapped. My self gotten worse, and I feel like ending it.

But then again, does it really matter?

Patent Pending · 21-02-2014, 05:03 PM

Hey,

Therapy can be a huge thing to face, and as FranticMind said, it's not for everyone. If it made things worse for you or you didn't find it helpful then that's perfectly understandable.

Well done for having written your mother a letter; I imagine it would have been a really difficult thing to do. It's good she was supportive straight afterwards but I imagine it would have been disheartening that things went back to normal after it. It may have been that your mother thought by not mentioning it she wasn't going to trigger you...?

It sounds like you don't really have support from someone who really understands what it's like to live with and struggle with depression. Would it be helpful to see if there are any support groups near you or helplines you could call who would be able to understand?

x x x

hope???k · 22-02-2014, 12:08 AM

I just fond it easier talking online.

I've tried to port groups or helpline, but I just can't talk to anyone. I always freeze up and just don't know what to say.

I know recovery would be a lot easier of I can open up and talk to people, but that's just it. Maybe I'm not meant to recover.