Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Hopelessness

[airwolf282]

Hopelessness is what I'm feeling most of the time. I should be used to it but I'm just so ****ing sick of it. I feel like I am nothing. I have achieved nothing. I will never achieve anything. It's been almost 2 years since I last worked and I feel so bad about it. It's been 5 months since my last SH but that means nothing......there are people that go for years and they still struggle. I feel useless. Like if I died, then it would make no difference. It also feels like I'll never work again. I'd rather be dead tomorrow than stuck inside four walls for another four decades. My course this year is like climbing one foot of a ten thousand foot mountain. It just seems endless and sooner or later I am going to fall and it will be all over. Nothing has ever worked for me. I mean, I have a few friends here and my wife but nothing else, everything else I fail at. Every night I go to bed I hope that I won't wake up.

[bleedingdragon]

Hi Nathan,
I hope you can hang in there mate , its good that your able to post in RYL and express yourself . Things sound really tuff for you right now , hoplessness is something i understand too , i struggle with it alot. I hear you about being so sick of it living with the belief that things are never going to change it can eat away at us inside. I cant predict the future i dont have all the answers just know that others do understand what your experiencing and that they care ,i care about you mate .

I also know what you mean about feeling like youve achieved nothing and that you never will, its soul destroying to have built a life for ourselves and achieved things only to have them destroyed all around us. I struggle too mate i had a wife, a future, a house, a job, and a purpose, right now i have very little and its a struggle .

My world also came crashing down around me i lost everything that made me who i was and im 44 . Starting again is vey hard at any time in our lives , for me nathan its even harder at my time of life. I guess all we can do mate as hard as that is is to take one day at a time.

I hear you about it being nearly 2 years since you last worked i know how having a job gives us a purpose, i was in my last job for 20 years then i was bullied and had to leave my job on Ill Health i know how devastating it can be i havent worked for 3 years now nathan i struggle to believe that i will ever work again i hope i can. I hope and pray that you can find the strength to keep moving forward and get your life back again you deserve a future and to be happy.

I know right now that being 5 months self harm free doesnt mean much to you in time it will its still a very good achievement, i wish i could get to 5 months self harm free , knowing that you can achieve it gives me some hope i can do that too.

I also know only to well any steps forward we make even the tiniest ones feel like were only moving 1 foot forward on a 10 thousand foot high mountain . Any journey mate is achieved by us taking one step at a time.
We all still fall mate everyone does but i guess for us it hits us harder than everyone else when weve lost so much before. all we can do mate it try to learn everytime we fall to help us the next time. Why some of us continue to fall , and constantly struggle is a question i still ask myself a hell of a lot .

I too wish that every night i go to sleep i wish id never wake up its a horrible feeling , just know that i understand you and that i care about you and i wish that you can find peace and some happiness .


Dave

[Sigma]

*hugs*

you've acheived so much this year, I wish I could show you how it looks through my eyes instead of through your own

right now you're studying, and that is a huge achievement, work will sort itself out in the future.It will happen, at the right time. From my own experience I can promise you that... but at the time I was unemployed I felt it was hopeless too - it's not. One foot in front of the other, you've already come a long way :)

*more hugs*

xxx

[earthbound_misfit]

sorry if this is a crappy reply, really tired and stuff, but:

1) the fact that you're in college is awesome - while it may seem like one foot of a ten thousand foot mountain, its actually a way bigger step than that. Its more like dragging yourself out of bed when you feel ****, to the airport, on a plane the other side of the world, getting all your trekking stuff sorted, and then making that first foot step. After all that you're kind of gonna do aren't you? And after that the views are better...

2) Being married is something a lot of people (myself included) would love to happen one day and are terrified it wont. Someone loves you and thinks you are so special they have chosen to spend the rest of their life with you. sorry hope you dont mind me saying that felt i could after speaking to you

hugs
B x

[airwolf282]

I feel a little better just hearing from you Dave. I had been worried for a while why you hadn't been on the boards. I probably should have tried to contact you but I have been super busy and I thought that you might have been too down to want to talk anyway..... I am really really sorry

Thanks Tokoloshe for the hugs and encouragement. You always seem to be helpful when I'm feeling down. Thanks so much for that.

Earthbound Misfit: Thanks for the advise. When I think of it like that, I feel a little better. I wish I could say that for you, finding someone would solve everything but my condition seemed to get worse 2 years AFTER I got married. I know what you mean though, it does help having someone there who cares. That I am very grateful for. I care about you though and I hope you do find someone when you're ready. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't.......... if I could then I'm pretty damn sure you will.

Still feeling sad but a little better than yesterday. Thanks so much everybody.

Nathan

[earthbound_misfit]

I guess I meant that when things are really bleak, no matter how bad you feel about yourself, you can have that one thought to cling to in the darkness that SOMEONE ELSE thinks your special - someone else is proving what you are trying to believe.
glad you're feeling a bit better
*hugs*

[bleedingdragon]

Nathan,
Im glad that you feel a little better just from hearing from me, im sorry for worrying you mate ive had alot of stuff to deal with. Being treated badly by my last psychiatrist and having to complain to the NHS has been really difficult.

Dont be sorry for not contacting me mate i understand youve been super busy you just look after yourself ok and remember that your not alone .

Dave