Having a moment

chinahorse · 24-05-2018, 08:50 PM

Im having a bit of a moment and am in a bit of a state.

Work is beyond a joke. I'm receiving practically no training. Ive been a dental nurse for 4 weeks. Ive spent less than a day in the surgery. Im now being expected to cover for someone tomorrow for a procedure I have never done. And its not with the dentist that I'm to be with (who is very kind and understanding and helps me out). My first ever experience I had as a dental nurse I wasn't shadowing or shown anything just expected to do it. And I have never been shown anything about reception. And a girl is making life difficult for me and the other new girl.

My nannie is loosing her marbles and it complicated but her main carer (auntie) is unfit to care for her and making her worse. Mum is stressed.

I am struggling to decide if I should take out a credit card or loan to go to my cousins wedding.

Ive just gotten a new cpn.

Im struggling to budget.

The fibromyalgia is getting steadily worse.

I have no one in my life locally. I try to make plans but its not happenng. I have no friends. I spend the entire weekend by myself and dont speak out loud for 48 hours.

Im over whelmed and having an I can't do this sort of moment. Im having a very big moment.

Buttons. · 24-05-2018, 09:02 PM

Sorry no useful words but I've read and I care.

nonperson · 24-05-2018, 09:04 PM

Hey, you can get through this. I know it.

You have a lot going on but maybe breaking it down into smaller chunks would make it more manageable.

Can you speak to anyone at work about what's going on? As a new member of staff are you having regular meetings with the boss/supervisor to see how everything's going? You really need to speak up if things aren't right or you're not comfortable doing what they're asking of you.

Is there someone else who could take over the care for your nannie?

Sorry that's a lot of questions there. Just want to try and give some reassurance. =/

chinahorse · 24-05-2018, 09:59 PM

Thanks buttons <3

NP thank you also.

Nothing seem manageable. I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to even watch TV. I just sit and stare at the wall.

It's the senior people that are saying to do it. They all say oh thats how I learnt! Maybe but it's not how it should be. I'm put in the position where I can't say no. But how can I do a silver filling when I 0 clue whats needed?!
There's not enough qualified staff to go around. And I'm learning from another trainee. And I found out tonight she's leaving the nursing side of things in 2 weeks and I'll be expected to be her replacement. I've tried to learn tonight what I have to do tomorrow but the course I'm on is fairly useless.

My auntie is bipolar and delusional. She won't let my uncle help out. My mum lives 200 miles away from them

I can't do this. I honestly xant.

Aubergine · 25-05-2018, 07:19 PM

How're you doing, Lillie?

chinahorse · 25-05-2018, 07:25 PM

Not good.

Aubergine · 25-05-2018, 07:28 PM

Would it help to talk about it?

chinahorse · 25-05-2018, 07:30 PM

Maybe.

chinahorse · 25-05-2018, 07:44 PM

I feel like I have no one. Unless I call someone I now won't speak aloud or have a conversation until work on Tuesday.
My life feels overwhelming.
I feel horrible. Can't describe how horrible I feel. How low.
I'm useless. Pointless.

I cant do this. Die. It's going round and round my head. Die. Die. Die.

Aubergine · 25-05-2018, 07:51 PM

You're not useless or pointless. Is there anyone who could come visit you/who you could visit?

You are doing it, Lillie. Keep breathing. One breath at a time.

chinahorse · 25-05-2018, 08:01 PM

I am at work. I don't know anything. And I only exist to work. And I'm shit at that so what use am I?

No. Dad made plans without me. Can't afford to go to my mums again. Basically have 0 local friends.

I do not feel good :'-(

Aubergine · 25-05-2018, 08:07 PM

You do not only exist to work, though I understand that it can feel like that. You are so much more than your job.

Do you have any friends a bit further afield that you could do something with? I'm not sure where you're based, but perhaps you could meet half way or something to reduce costs?

chinahorse · 29-05-2018, 06:56 PM

I had an ok weekend and someone made the effort to come to me which was lovely.

Today I went back to work. And it was a shambles again
And what do I do? I changed jobs because my last one was making my fibromyalgia worse and now my new job is making it flare through stress already. That's twice in 5 working weeks.

I'm sobbing rn from pain. Feel delerious almost with it. Buy I have to work as I'm not eligible for anything else. What do I do? Honestly what do I do now but end it?

nonperson · 29-05-2018, 10:22 PM

I'm glad someone came to see you at the weekend. =)

If stress is causing your flares, what can you do to de-stress?

chinahorse · 30-05-2018, 08:07 PM

Nothing. Don't have the time. Don't have the energy.

nonperson · 30-05-2018, 09:15 PM

I'm sure there are things you could do at home that don't involve extra time or energy.

chinahorse · 06-06-2018, 01:09 PM

Can I have some support? Well mostly someone to listen.

Things are rubbish. Really are.

one_step_closer · 06-06-2018, 04:32 PM

Post here if it helps Lillie, I will read even if I'm not able to offer anything useful. *sends gentle hugs*

chinahorse · 06-06-2018, 07:33 PM

Thanks.

As you guys know I changed jobs due to stress and shit working conditions. The new job is proving to be even worse. And I can't leave it. And I don't know what to do.

I just can't go on and on endlessly.

I physically and mentally am exhausted and in severe pain.

I feel low and horrible. Saw my team yesterday who want me to start therapy again and increased my antidepressant. Said that I'm sinking back into a loop of being stuck and self harming and just lurching from day to day.

And I was starting to build a friendship which was a mix of fun and serious with someone but shes moving abroad to work. And my mums on holiday rn so I can't call her to vent too. And I feel like theres no one. Literally no one would know if I dropped dead for several days and thats so tempting.

I feel so so horrible.

chinahorse · 08-06-2018, 08:50 PM

The doctors basically refused to give me codeine. But didn't tell me in time to do anything about it before the weekend. I'm in severe pain right now and what am I meant to do??!

I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm so so sad. I feel so low. Dying is the only way out. I feel like everyone hates me and doesn't want me around. I can't cope physically or mentally. Cutting again. It's all unmanageable. I need someone right now please. I need someone to tell me what to do next. When my body is hurting a lot and my mind has had enough. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.