I don't care tbh, you know fuck all about me, that much is crystal clear, or how it is to be in my shoes, so you can go straight to hell thankyouvery much.
I thought we had come to a point of being able to be civil and around each other, I guess I was wrong - which is a shame because it was nice whilst it lasted. Just to know you were there if I wanted to talk to you, it was nice ya'know. It's all a waiting game I guess, life is just one big waiting room. Anyway too many thoughts that you've made clear you don't want to know about, I hope that maybe one day we can put this all past us. One day.
I'm really nervous about going to the dance class later. It's nothing I've done before and I'm worried I'll fuck it all up and look like a twat. We have to wear shorts and such for it and I'm worried I'll look fat and disgusting and the people I'll be in class with will point and comment and laugh at my weight and my flaws.
I'm not going to let my nervousness stop me going as this is something I REALLY want to do but I just don't want to hear anything negative about my body. =(
Pete, I can't believe I'm freaking out this much over losing you. I can't cry about losing my home or my community, but I can bawl my eyes out over losing you. Please, please don't leave me. You're the first thing I bought that made me feel like an adult. You used to scare me so much I'd hide behind the sofa whimpering if you were on, but, in time, you helped me overcome my lifelong fear of washing machines - we got through it together. I am so scared that if I end up homeless I'll have to leave you behind. I couldn't bear that.
Oh, and mum/dad, why is it that you trawl the internet day after day trying to help my brother even though he sits in his room on his laptop all day, lies to you constantly, is rude to you, doesn't do any housework, doesn't jobhunt despite being perfectly capable, you bail him out with money every time he racks up debts, you house him rent-free, pay for his food despite him being on JSA... why do you never ask how I am? Why didn't you ask how I felt after the crucifix yesterday? Hug? Ask how moving is going? Leaving TC? Anything? I try to be so nice to you all the time, I listen to you rant about J, try and help you out what to do, do the housework if I'm round at yours etc... I don't get it.
I know I'm 25 now and I shouldn't care, but, unless I'm psychotic, this has actually been going on for the last 25 years!
"Why do you never protect me?"
"Because you've always been able to hold your own. J doesn't".
Officially diagnosed with Bipolar 2, shoot me. No more Borderline Personality Disorder. At least there's more treatment options I guess. Ughhhhhh love my Consultant.. he pretty much said anyone who wasn't a consultant psych but a psych doctor were completely stupid, and dont really know what they are talking about sometimes. hah, jokes.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - W. Gibson.
Please just talk to me, I can't make myself a good person if you don't tell me what I did wrong. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bad person, I'm sorry that it's true. Please know I live with the guilt every single day and I hate myself so much for what I did to you - please just help me, please? I want to be good, I want to be a good person but I don't know what to do. I'm sorry. Please help me, I'm sorry. For everything, for who I am and what I did, for being everything you hate, I am sorry. I hate myself for it. I hate myself - is this not enough? Why do you have to punish me every single day. Why?
Love you, Katy, okay? Don't forget that.
____________
Please be okay, mumma T.
I don't want anything to happen to you, too.
I just found you and love you too much.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
What do you want me to do? You're there and I'm here, we're 3 hours apart and I would gladly come see you but you said you didn't want me to.
You say you don't want my help but you tell me all this? What sort of friend would I be if I heard what you're doing to yourself and not be concerned. Not want to support you!
Stop pushing me away! Stop acting like you don't want me to care.
What can I do for you? Please, just tell me what you need.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
All I want is someone to tell me I'm not a bad person, but the truth is that I am and everyone knows it and sees it so they can't - I don't wan't people to lie, so how can I ask them to tell me I'm not a bad person. I'm the worst there is, they can't deny that... and I can't get them to lie - lying is bad. I hate this, I hate me. I'm so so bad, bad, bad, bad Ami.
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Love you 
seriously? !>#@!!!
