I miss my therapist and it's driving me mad
I have been seeing my addictions therapist for 8 months now. I started out seeing her every few weeks and then for the last few months it's been once a week, every week. I feel that she has really helped me with a lot so far. Not fully with the addiction, although I don't take as high amounts as I did when I first met her, which I see as really great and exciting progress because I have been in the MH system for 10 years and nobody until her was able to help me. She is really validating with my experiences, and I feel safe telling her anything. I love coming to see her every week because everyone else in my life thinks I should just get over my issues but she listens, takes them and dissects them with me to see how I can improve and have less of those issues.
My best friend is very invalidating and very self centered - everything has to be about her, and she used to be there for me but for the last few months she has said she can't listen to my problems because she has "taken on" so many peoples' problems already so she has no more room for mine(and I'm supposed to be her best friend...) My family doesn't know how to be there for me. So I have nobody in my life who I can tell even the smallest issue I have because I will be invalidated, ignored, even mocked by some(mostly family.) But I have my therapist who does listen. I know it's her job, but I feel like she really is trying.
She ran my DBT group for the last while and when the group ended I broke down crying in front of everyone on the last day because I became so attached to the group.
If she has to cancel a session and I have to go two weeks without seeing her I become very restless, agitated, I cry a lot, and I can't seem to be able to use my DBT skills to help soothe myself. I didn't see her for three weeks over the New Year and felt so depressed. In the last two months she has been cancelling more frequently and my reactions are getting worse. When I can't see her I want to do all the forms of SH that I do at once.
She cancelled last week because she was sick. I would have been seeing her this week but she has training. She has more training the next day. I won't see her for another three weeks. Then I have my meeting with the head doctor to talk about my diagnosis and to review my therapy sessions with her. She has told me on a couple of recent occasions that she could get funding to send me to rehab for 4 weeks, and I had to remind her that I'm taking much less now after the 8 months with her and I can't go to rehab and leave behind my job and my pets. Especially now, work gets very busy in the spring. So I'm not going to see her for the next couple of weeks and I'm afraid that she is slowly trying to abandon me and discharge me because I've been there for 8 months. I'm very scared she will cancel for another while then see me again for a session and say she can't see me anymore. I'm also very angry at her right now because I've found out yesterday from a transgender friend that she told them that their "identity issue" is because of their own BPD, and she keeps using the wrong pronouns for them.
My mind is in bits, it's going in all directions. I'm so angry but I also miss her so much, it makes me want to SH and OD but at the same time it makes me want to throw away all my tools and say no more! I'm so torn between emotions and I have no idea how to deal with this. I never want therapy again because I either hate the therapist I work with or become so attached to them that all my problems come back when they leave!
Maybe it's because I don't have anyone who listens in real life but I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm in bits :(