i am unsure if that would be appropriate to ask them when things need done in the morning.
they gave up trying to weigh me in the horrible gown and have said i can just do it in my binder and underwear so i also need to be dressed then anyways.
i hope they let me leave in the morning.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Have you told them about all of these things that are worrying you so much, like needing to know when you can put your PJs on, needing your stuffed animal to put some pressure on your stomach, feeling confused about the vitamin thing because you weren't told how often it was etc?
It's totally fine to ask them any questions you want. Please keep working with them. The more you communicate about what you are thinking and feeling the more they can understand and try to make things easier for you to bear.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Yes. I told them. They keep saying to make sure to ask about things if I am unsure.
One human asked me my preferred pronouns. That was really nice. People keep misgendering me and using the wrong pronouns here. She said that if she hears people using the wrong ones to refer me to she could correct them, and said that it is definitely not rude to say something to people, and told me how she says it. She says everyone is really understanding about it so to not be worried about saying anything.
They did not give me the vitamin thing again today so unsure on that. They would not let me leave today. They said they want me to stay through the weekend but I told them that is a very long time.
They would not let me back to my room during the day but they let me take my blanket into the "quiet room" to lay down there. My room is too hot and there is some kind of fan thing that is so loud I cannot sleep even with ear plugs.
I have told them multiple times I cannot sleep. I put on pjs last night and just set an alarm for super early so I could change before anyone came in to require anything. But I woke up before it went off anyways since I cannot sleep. I did sleep a little bit in the other room. It was actually quieter in there evne though the staff desk is right in front of it.
They said they can tell that I am trying. I ate all of the things today but then the dinner things I could not eat and I have felt like I was going to throw up all day. I did try them but they tasted funny and I thought I was going to throw up at the table. The staff person at the table kept telling me to try to eat them but I literally could not. A different person took me out in the hall and sat with me and showed me pictures of their dog. Then they had me eat these two pro bar things instead.
Another human has said they have a stuffed dog called Spot. They said they will bring him over to meet my stuffed animal. So I asked them if they were going to and they said they are sad because their husband is leaving tonight so asked if they could do that after they see their husband so I said okay.
The psychiatrist showed me photos of his dogs too. He does not seem as horrible as he did the other day even fi he did keep using the wrong pronouns. He said he could tell I was a dog person and that dog people are the best and said he will try to come by sometime when I have my laptop to see photos of my dog.
They needed me to take some admissions survey things and I did try but the questions were strange. One of them I could not even do at all because you cannot skip questions and the first question asked if you were male or female, and I pointed out I could not answer that. They said not to bother with the survey and said they will actually work on trying to fix that to add other options because that is a very valid point.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I know it's so so hard but your last post seems to contain a lot more positives about the place such as understanding about pronouns, talking about pets etc. And well done on eating, it can be difficult to start up at first so well done.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
They are mad at me. I really have tried to sleep and I cannot sleep here. It is too loud and too hot and my stomach really hurts and I feel like I am going to throw up again. I did try and they are not letting me leave. I am so tired. I do not understand why it is so wrong that I just want to go home so I can get my dog and make sure she is okay and actually be able to sleep and shower and things.
My stomach hurts so bad. I do not think I can eat anything else and I do not know what I am going to do if they try to make me eat things before I can leave.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm sure they aren't mad. Probably a little frustrated because they won't 100% understand what it's like for you and the way you experience the world. Can you ask to have a different room because yours is hot and the fan is loud? Keep telling them how much your stomach hurts. Maybe you can see a doctor?
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I am afraid to say anything about my stomach because I do not want them to decide that I am psychotic like they did last time. I may just tell them I cannot eat things for a while and see if that helps.
It is hot everywhere in here which is why I keep asking to go outside but they always say no. The dr in charge told one of the therapists that it is much nicer outside here than it is at home (she is from where I am from and used to work at the hospital where I was ip before coming here) so it makes a lot of sense that I want to go outside a lot. But they have rules about going outside and that you have to be with a staff person.
They said the psychiatrist is coming in today so I will ask them about leaving.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Way to go, it sounds like you're trying really hard, keep it up. Also, it's good that you told them why you couldn't eat because I imagine in that setting being honest will get you far--it shows your willingness to try and to engage with you.
As others have said, it will take you time to adjust and it will also take the staff time to adjust to you--each person is different and as the staff get to know you better they will develop a better understanding of how to support you.
Hang in there and keep writing here if it helps you xx
I managed morning snack and lunch things. But it got worse again and I was not going to eat afternoon snack but one of the staff humans said to try to eat a pro bar so I did that. I tried to eat part of dinner but my stomach hurts so bad and whatever it was tasted funny and I only managed half of it before I felt like I was going to throw up.
They let me come back up to my room but it keeps coming back up and I keep having ot like swallow it back down so I do not throw up and my stomach still really hurts. They gave me a cold pack because they said it would help but it did not make a difference. I am probably going to have to say I cannot eat anything else if they try to say there are more things. I think they are interpreting it as I want to throw up which I obviously do not!
They did not do blood pressure or weigh me or anything this morning, they just stabbed me, so they just did blood pressure. They said my temperature was a bit high but they like run this thing on your forehead so it is possible it is just higher since I am wearing a hat.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
they put me in a different room and said to watch harry potter and then maybe i can leave. it is right in front of their desk and they turned the lights off but there are blinds that they left open so they can see in. i do not like being watched.
they said they will try talking to the doctor because they cannot give me any medication and will ask if maybe they can.
i do not know why they do not understand that i need to leave.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Being watched is a necessary part of being on a psych ward. It keeps you safe, and keeps others safe. I know it feels incredibly intrusive, but you get more used to it after a while. Having someone check on you every 15 minutes is way better than being on 1:1 obs all the time!
You sound like you are trying hard, but also that as part of you wants to leave so badly you wont be giving all of yourself to this treatment. Can you just agree to not ask to leave for a certain amount of time, say 2 days, and in those 2 days commit 100% to the programme? I imagine with the working week starting there will be the chance to see your therapist more and things.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Hey Carmen, sounds like you're trying really hard, so well done :) I imagine that they do understand that you really feel like you need to leave, but that they also think that after you've been so brave as to get yourself on the plane to get there and then to have tried so hard to work with them that it would be a shame to give up on the treatment now. If you leave, I imagine you would quite quickly fall back into the eating patterns you previously had, and all that effort would be for nothing, whereas if you can manage to stick it out, then you have a chance of properly breaking free from your eating disorder.
Please keep trying and talking to them and letting them help you.
Also, out-ninja-d; I agree very much with Sarah's suggestion!
The stupid psychiatrist changed his mind again today about me leaving and misgendered me and used the wrong pronouns even though I told him my first day and the therapist told him what pronouns to use and explained genderqueer to him. He said I can leave tomorrow after I talk to people.
I kept telling them all day that it was too loud and my ears hurt and I needed to go to my room and lay down in the quiet and they did not listen and I had a stupid fucking meltdown at dinner because of it and did not eat the dinner things or the supplement things.
They moved me to another room and said it should be quieter here for sleeping.
Like I am just done. Everyone keeps misgendering me and using wrong pronouns and I keep having meltdowns because nobody is listening to me when I try to say I need to go lay down where it is quiet. It is locked when I was told it would not be and the psychiatrist is doing the same thing they did to me when I was ip so I feel completely trapped. Trying to stick it out is not going to help. I told them I was afraid of this happening, because if I feel trapped there is no way anything is going to be useful because I am just going to do whatever it takes to leave.
And that is what has happened.
I have still not showered or changed here and I feel bad because I know you are not meant to wear binders for long but I cannot deal with any of it. I really really hope they say I can definitely go home tomorrow and that was not a lie this time.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Have you had a chance to speak to the therapist who deals in gender identity yet? They might be able to tell everyone else to use the correct pronouns.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
i am going home tomorrow regardless of if i can do day treatment at home or not.
like. i keep having fucking meltdowns because they will not give me space and time and they will not listen to me and i cannot shower or change clothes or anything here and there is not anyone here i feel comfortable talking to.
my dad said the therapist that i guess is the gender specialist is gone until wednesday and i guess they are now my family therapist and not my main therapist and that he thinks i need to stay and talk to them but that is not going to change anything and that is just the whole stupid give it another day bullshit which is what they keep telling me every day.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
