It was for a deeply religious friend, (supposed to be Noah's Ark!), and he didn't seem that pleased. I spent like 6 hours making it!
You said you had a book, which sounds like a good idea. Do you think keeping that up would help? I have a little glass vase thing, and every day I'm 'good' I get a white bead, then if I do bad things I get an orange bead, and then there's black beads, but we tend not to talk about them... I intend to keep mine for years, so that in like 2 years time I can see a glass practically full of white beads, to show me how well I'm doing :D
Sounds like you've made the first steps then- maybe they're not friends yet, but give it some time! Could you talk about this again to your therapist, and see if you can think of ways to turn acquaintances into friends?
Sorry that your friends 'gave up' on you after you were an inpatient :-/ Grrrr at people who mistake mental illness for the plague. Retards :(
Haha, awwwwr! He should've been pleased, it's awesome!
I haven't used my book for a long time now, not since I was about 3 months cut-free. Hell, I don't even know where it is now. In my room somewhere I guess... XD
That bead idea sounds really cool :D But I have no desk space for a vase atm.
I'd like to be able to make a system for counting good and bad days for all types of SI, not just cutting. But I pull my hair so often, and without knowing sometimes, that it'd be hard to keep track.
I do like visual stuff like that though.
I'll have to think of something...
I suppose I could have different colors for days where I pull a little bit, and for days where I have a pulling "fit" or SI in other ways. And then free days ofc. :)
I'll ask my therapist next time I see him :) Unfortunately he's taken a holiday, so when I see him next week, I have to explain everything that's happened in the last month... *sigh*... Though he deserves a holiday! :P
Yeah... My friends were really supportive during my first hospital stay, they came to visit me when I was on home leave and such. But I think they got fed up with me becoming ill, and getting hospitalised repeatedly. The last person from that group who came to visit me had to leave to move back to the US, so we barely speak now.
Tbh I'm sometimes not surprised they gave up on me, when I was very ill I'd need someone to stay online to stop me ODing or attacking other people, almost all day, and until I went to bed. So I was passed from one friend to another on MSN. And because I was quite ill, I didn't make much sense, I'd be talking about Them, and no one quite understood what I was on about. I was a burden.
They were good friends, but obviously my previous psychosis wasn't good for friendships. :(
Damn, I wrote a lot. XD
I'll shut up now.
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
*high five for writing loads*- I often do that too, as you may have noticed :D
Woop, a full colour gradation system sounds like a good idea! I started a second set of beads with red and purple for eating, but I wasn't in a pro-recovery mood at the time, but I hope to start it again sometime soon!
Hmm, sounds like a pretty grim situation you had, and that you've made lots of progress! What was your 'diagnosis' back then, if you don't mind me asking?
Hehe, writing loads is always good I suppose, though I always get logged out. =/
My diagnosis... Hmnh. I've had loads. XD I'll try and remember them though.
At first, severe depression, then "first-episode psychosis", then "severe depression with psychotic symptoms".. Then I think it was "psychotic episode" again, then they mentioned something about "persistent delusional disorder", though I don't think that was a proper diagnosis. Then they had the amazing idea to write a letter to my GP saying I had paranoid schizophrenia, without telling me or my family. We found out a few months later, after I'd gotten better, and my mum had an argument through the post with the psychiatrist at the hospital. This culminated in having that diagnosis removed from my medical record, and also that if I ever get ill again, I won't be going back to that hospital. I don't have schizophrenia, my psychosis is never "chronic", and the doctor based that diagnosis on an outdated list of symptoms, most of which I did not have. (Sorry if that came across rant-y, this fiasco really annoyed me...)
And now, I have no diagnosis, other than Aspergers. Which is fine by me. :)
I'll have to keep trying to think of something to apply my colors to! D: Beads really sounds good, but as I said, no desk space. :(
Aaaand, I wrote loads again. XD
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
woahhh, not surprised you're a little peeved- that's a very random and irresponsible thing for them to of done! As for the other diagnoses, it sounds like you've made a lot of progress since then!
Ahh, aspergers- think you mentioned that before. I'm glad that you're cool with it :)
And you can press keep me signed in when you log on the prevent the logging out fiasco!
Haha, yeah, I've made loads of progress since then :)
Yeah, I'm cool with my aspergers, it was diagnosed last September, and really wasn't a surprise to me. Or my family. Or most of my MH team. :P
I got a jar and some beads now, and I've made a system up. I get a white bead for a completely SI/pull free day. I get a green bead if I do what I consider "minor" SI, like if I pull a little bit, or don't eat properly. I get an orange bead for "major" SI, like hair pulling "frenzies", not sleeping on purpose, cutting etc. And red beads are for really bad stuff, but I didn't buy any of those, in the hope I wouldn't need them :)
I had a good day at the UCAS convention thing, I got some prospectuses to read and stuff.
I'm a little scared now though, because it's dawning on me that I'm going to university. It feels like I'm not meant to be here, I'm not meant to have lived this long. When I was 13, I decided I would not beyond my 15th birthday. I'm still here, nearly 2 years after then. It's making me think I really might die any day now, tomorrow, tonight, I just don't know. Because I've overstayed on Earth, and so it's just a matter of time before I'm gone... I'm afraid I'll just cease to exist.
But otherwise, I'm doing good really. I get a green bead tonight, if I don't mess up before I go to bed.
I'm a little worried I'll never get a white bead.
But maybe one day, I'll earn one.
:)
Oh, and I don't let RYL keep me signed in, I'm paranoid about family coming on my computers, even though both are passworded and log me out after a certain amount of time. Eh. :/
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
Ahh, paranoid times- I have my own laptop, and if I leave it unattended at home, I always lock it. I even put a password on the inbox of my phone while I was home- just in case :P
Yayyy for beads- that sounds like a cool system- I hope it helps give you a bit of motivation!
It's sad that you feel that way about still being alive; because if you look at it another way, you've outlived your expectation, and have a whole second chance at life! Obviously there's a small chance that you might die any day, but no more likely than I am of sporadically dropping dead. And if you do, it won't be because you've outstayed your time, it'll be because you didn't look before crossing the road or something. And eughhh, this is quite a morbid paragraph.
I guess it's the same as like one of those miracle babies that was supposed to not live for a week, and then they fight and fight and suddenly get better, and go on to live normal lives.
Glad the UCAS convention was good- what prospecti did you get? And just wait til you go on open days- they're so exciting! You must tell me if you come to a Queen Mary Open Day, and I can come and annoy you :)
Woop for having a good day. Life is good. *nibbles a rainbow*
Haha yeah. My phone doesn't have a password on it, I don't really leave it anywhere other than in my pocket. :P
But I think my mum got hold of the details for my previous RYL account, because she started to know things I didn't tell anyone, but just mentioned in my R/V thread. So I'm a lot more careful now. :P
I did worry quite a bit today about the thoughts of my over-stay. It feels a bit like, if I'mna die soon, I want to do it on my own terms. Luckily I don't believe in this stuff strongly enough to actually do anything. I'm still slightly afraid though.
I guess it's true that I have a second chance though. :) I'll try not to mess this one up. XD
I got prospecti for Queen Mary's, King's College, UCL, Medway School of Pharmacy, and.. uh. Can't remember any others off the top of my head. :/
But when I got home, my mum went on the internet and started talking about all the other uni's that I should have got prospecti for. She could have looked this stuff up BEFORE the convention! And then she started looking up Oxbridge entrance requirements, when I have no chance in hell of getting like A*AA. Ohwell.
Haha, I have to find the dates for the open days. :P I'll definately try to get to a Queen Mary's one, because that's the uni I want to go to atm. :)
I've had a reasonably good day... I can't remember if I've pulled today or not. I've been trying extra hard not to though. :)
*also nibbles rainbow* ^_^ Hehe
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
Hmm, but why would doing it on your own terms help?
You can get the unis to post you prospecti, if there's ones you didn't pick up? And most are available online too. Win for Queen Mary. Had to google medway though :s So you defs want to stay in London then? Also, are you just being modest about the oxbridge thing? My little sister was a complete troll about it and always claimed she'd never get in, and needed contant encouragement to apply. She now has an offer from oxford and is predicted to get like two A*s and 2 As. Thus I am always suspicious that others are trolling in this way too :p
Glad that you've had a good day!
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 28-04-2011 at 06:10 PM.
Reason: incorrect use of tenses
I guess doing it on my own terms means I get to pick the day. And also, I don't know how I might be killed, I may just evaporate, or I might be attacked/murdered. Doing it alone would rule out the latter happening.
I'd like to go to London, but my mum isn't sure. She's now looking at Guildford and stuff, though staying in Guildford would be a bit weird for me, as I was in hospital in Woking, which is a short drive away.
I'm not being modest with the oxbridge thing. If I had some magically huge amount of motivation, then maybe. But tbh, I know that my grades are mainly Bs at the moment, and I'm fine with that.
I did get amazingly good GCSEs though, but that was partly because I didn't go to some exams, so they worked out an average score from the easier exams for those subjects. :)
Yeah, I'm glad I'm having a good day too :)
How're you?
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
Hmm, well, I don't think you're going to be killed... And I don't think you should do it on your own terms, as that's likely to make it sooner that otherwise, and that would be sad :( Also, I am enjoying your ryl-mood status (alive), lol- very true!
*googlemaps guildford*. Ah, I see. Your location says east kent would you live in halls if you went to a london uni?
Well, I am ok this morning. Last night, not so much :p Skipped lunch and tea, took caffeine tablets all day, then drank alcohol and went out clubbing, with people who probably don't even like me any more. Bad Jenna. Grim. And my friends were perfectly happy for me (a weedy, vulnerable, vaguely psychotic girl, who didn't know the way) to find my own way home at 1 in the morning. Managed to not throw up on the night bus. yay. *ahem* ramble over :p
Yup, I'd probably have to move to go to a London uni. I'm in Ramsgate, and even with the "high-speed" train link, it'd take over 2 hours each way to get to London everyday. My mum seems to want me to stay home and do that, but, even though moving out scares me, I think it'd be easier to move into halls at whatever uni I end up at.
Awww, sounds like you had a bad night. :( I'm sorry your friends didn't make sure you got back ok, they probably should've gone with you. *hugs* Also, caffeine tablets? Are you sure that's a good idea?
I got up at about half 3pm today. XD
I didn't see the royal wedding, but I wasn't planning to watch it anyway.
Went downstairs, ate something and read the newspaper, then came online.
I have such a boring life. :P
Have to do some more past papers this weekend as well. :|
In one way, I'll be glad when the exams start, because then I won't have to keep doing all these past papers!
But I'm feeling ok. :)
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
Yeah, I'm a big advocate for moving out to go to uni! It can be difficult, but it's also an awesome opportunity to start up somewhere new, especially if there's bad memories associated with home. Also, socially, I think it helps to live in halls too, so you can easily get to events, parties etc, and just meet other people in your flat.
And commuting would suck! I travel half an hour from where I live into uni, and that's annoying! Next year I'm living 15 minutes walk from Queen Mary, so it's going to be awesooommmeee :)
And oh my gosh, I just googlemapped ramsgate! I've been to Maidstone in Kent, so thought you'd be somewhere around there. I did not take the 'east' into account. You live so far away! Can you see France from where you live?
Yeah, I'm not supposed to take caffeine tablets. Not supposed to drink either. But I think the people I was out with kind of hate me, so I wanted to get myself in a happy hyper mood, so they might like me a bit?
Haha, boring is the best- can you imagine having an exciting life? It would be far too stressful :p And for further information on my thoughts on the royal wedding, please see the link I just posted on facebook :p
Good luck for past papers!! At least it's a four day weekend, even if we have both just spend most of this first day by majorly sleeping-in :p
Haha, yeah commuting would be rubbish. My old school was a 7 minute walk from home, and my new school is a 20 minute bus ride, and a 10 minute walk, and that's quite annoying! Spending 4+ hours a day on trains would be... Ugh.
I can see France from where I live, yup. I actually live like 3 minutes from the beach, and we have a harbour and a ferry port here too, although the ferries that leave from Ramsgate are freight only.
Awwwr, if you feel like they hate you, why'dya spend the night out with them? And also, I wouldn't do things that could potentially hurt you, just to get people to like you... They're not worth it.
Haha, yeah an exciting life would be too much hard work :P
That link was hilarious XD
Yay, past papers *sarcasm*. I know that I'll probably put off my work until like, Monday night, and then panic and do very little, then spend Tuesday apologising to teachers.
Sleeping-in is awesome! :P Although I do feel like I waste a lot of the day by sleeping so late. :( I end up with like 9 hours of awake time, instead of the 17 hours I tend to have on a school day. Ohwell. XD
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
Had a bit of a bad evening tonight.
Not awful, but a bit bleh.
My brother's best friend is staying over atm. And I was just messing around and trying to get the dog to scratch him. And he did, so Dan got angry and moaned, and that set me off.
And I got angry and stormed out.
And when I get angry, it really overwhelms me. The emotion is too strong.
So I came and hid in my room, and lay on the bed for a while.
And then the anger changed, and turned on me.
So I SI'd, minorly. I did what I call "interfering with wounds". Because I had some scabs on me from accidental stuff.
And now I feel like I've messed up the day already, so why not pull as well? Why not avoid sleep? Why even try anymore today? I've already ruined it.
I'm listening to music as loud as I can bear, to drown stuff out and because it hurts.
I'm just all bleh now.
=C
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
I get an orange bead if I stay up past 1.30am, as I have a habit of forcing myself to stay awake as a "punishment", or as a type of SH. I therefore decided that if I'm in bed before 1.30am, then I haven't done that.
Yesterday I had a bit of a bad night, in that I pulled quite a bit. So that was my first orange bead.
I've already messed today up as well, but I'll try not to give up this time. :)
If the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, 'Cause I've heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.
