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Old 08-10-2012, 04:29 PM   #21
when.will.it.end
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Sarah just wanted me to update.

She's been moved to a general hospital because her infection is serious and she needs IV anti biotics and surgery. She'll be in for a few days.

Thinking of you love, hope they get the infection under control asap.



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Old 08-10-2012, 05:09 PM   #22
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Hoping that it all goes well and the infection clears up quick so your head can start to heal x



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Old 10-10-2012, 01:27 AM   #23
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Thinking of you Sarah xx

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Old 10-10-2012, 01:36 AM   #24
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You're in my thoughts love. I hope they manage to sort out the infection so you can be on the mend asap x



Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot

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Old 10-10-2012, 09:12 PM   #25
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Thanks for upddating Katie.

Still thinking of you Sarah.Sorry things are so bad but glad at least it sounds you might be being looked after physically right now even though i know this even might be something you find hard to let happen but it really is for the best.Keep strong sweetheart.Know we are all here for you.

xx xx



i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!


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Old 15-10-2012, 12:06 PM   #26
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Thinking of you Sarah <3

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Old 21-10-2012, 11:02 AM   #27
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Does anyone have any update on how Sarah is doing?

i have text her a few times but only got a couple of words in reply each time and i dont want to sound like im pressuring her.

i also know she's very unwell and needs to concentrate on her recovery in hospital.

i have just been thinking about her and worrying though im glad she is somewhere safe.

So i'll just leave my love here.But just wondered if anyone knew anything and could update [with Sarah's permission of course].

Thinking of you.Sorry things got so bad.Hang on in there and sending lots of love for when you get to see this.

xx xx



i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!


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Old 21-10-2012, 02:01 PM   #28
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Thinking of you Sarah Stay strong xoxo

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Old 25-10-2012, 12:10 PM   #29
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I'm sorry for not coming on, just been struggling a lot, I'm no longer in hospital, it was absolutely horrible there, but nothing much is in place to support me, just seeing my CPN once a week like it was before the section... but yeah.

But thank you everyone for your consistent support, it means a lot to me.

xx



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Old 25-10-2012, 12:36 PM   #30
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I'm sorry it was so unhelpful in hospital, and that you're not getting the support you need at the moment.

Can you ask for any further support? Or any other therapy that you could get? What do you think would help you most at the moment?

Thinking of you, and keep talking as much as you need to, there's always people to listen xx










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Old 25-10-2012, 08:44 PM   #31
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I've actually not even been given a chance because they said "oh crisis team, won't help, home treatment team, won't help, this and that, won't help" - erm,hello, I would be willing to give ANYTHING a freaking shot, I wasn't even ASKED, it was just "nope won't help" and that was that.

*shrugs*

Whatever though.



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Old 30-10-2012, 01:14 PM   #32
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Sorry services are being so useless. Is there anyone who can advocate to them on your behalf.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 02-11-2012, 01:01 AM   #33
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What about admitting yourself via hospital if you need it x

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Old 03-11-2012, 08:14 PM   #34
Cryptic.
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I'm never going into hospital again. I hated it there, they were absolutely horrific and they didn't do any type of therapy, they didn't check on you to see how you are doing, they didn't talk to you, they just left you to do whatever, my days were pretty much full of ; tea, fag, tv, repeat until insane. Luckily I made friends in there,and my current girlfriend, who made it so much more bearable.

It's just, it's a joke that place.
It's no place for any of the people in there,
They do fuck all.
Apart from make you go even more fucking crazy.

I mean, I managed to get blades in there, I managed to hurt myself numerous times in there, I told them how I felt, that I wanted to hurt myself, and they did fuck all about it, so I went and done it, and despite them knowing how volatile I was and how vulnerable I was and how I was wanting to self harm, they didn't check on me to see how I was coping.

I had to go to them - which for me, is rare, because I hate reaching out at all, and considering I already had done before, I thought, what's the point?

And, in that place, something happened... sexually, so that shook me up and just... like, fuck, you're meant to be "safe" in there, and well... you're not, both from other people and from yourself.

So, fuck that place. And I'd rather not experience it again anywhere else.

However, I am now seeing someone new, who also sees me with my shitty CPN, but hey ho.

She's really nice. She's a psychologist, she's working hard with me, I "click" with her, she's pretty amazing. I see her once a week, with my CPN unfortunately, but last time, he left and it was just me and her - which is hard for me to be alone with people but easier as it was a female and she was really lovely. I think I did well... I hope. We are going to try longer next time.

They're discussing the possibility of doing DBT[yet again - I say this because last time I wanted to do it, and I was told no, so not holding my hopes up] and we're just kind of taking it a bit slow and considering lots of things and discussing lots of things and just, well, taking it step by step.

So, that's one positive in terms of the services I'm with.

I am struggling, and being at home is a huge challenge sometimes, but I'm just taking it day by day, I can't focus on anything but the here and now, just trying to get through the day I guess.

One good thing about tomorrow though, is it's my Nephews birthday party, so I'm excited about that, and it'll keep my mind focused on something positive and entirely on my amazing Nephew, so that's a good thing, really good thing.

And, another good thing[I guess?] is tomorrow, I'm also self harm free for 3 weeks.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, it feels like it's been so much longer, and just getting through the days not self harming is fucking torture, but I'm really trying because I do know next time I do it, I may not be so lucky and, well, like people keep saying, I may die.

So... I am trying.
Really hard.

But.
I'm struggling a lot, and I guess I'm just going to have to keep trying... but at times, I do feel like killing myself and just... getting it done and over with, but I'm trying to fight for my Nephew and for my girlfriend and I do have positives in my life, and I'm trying to focus on them and use them as strength to keep going.

Thank you guys for your support. It means a lot to me.

x



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Old 03-11-2012, 08:48 PM   #35
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As much as I understand let downs, please remain optimistic about the prospect of DBT, if its available in your area outpatient, then there is a chance, you might be on a waiting list, but you'll hopefully get a shot at it.

As for the hospital experiance, sadly, it sounds like most acute adult wards that I have had experiance of, no structure, a lack of enthusiasm of the staff, and very empty days. Acute wards from my experiance tend to be just a holding place for people waiting for meds to kick in or people needing a short crisis break. I firmly believe most people with severe self harm just crave it more if put in this empty non-therapeutic environment.

As for the psychologist visiting weekly, that sounds like a promising plan. If you don't find the CPN helpful, maybe you could see the psychologist alone and check in with the CPN every other week or something. Some people are not helpful, some are. It varies SO SO much, I know.

I think DBT might be really beneficial. If you have a smart phone/iPhone you can get a DBT app that walks you through the skills and keeps a track of the ones that help and the ones that you have used and when. I don't know how to get it, but I know it exists. There is also a DBT self help website that has a lot of resources on it. Maybe try and read through some of it.

The fact you want to keep trying and refrain from SH is the most important thing. Where ever you go, unless its a full on secure unit, you will be able to sneak things in and harm, or find a way to get round barriers. Your best resource to stop yourself is you. Build yourself up, think of your life skills as a tool box, and the more tools you have the more you can fix and hold together, even if its just for a bit longer. Every little bit, every day, is a day you have won, in the bag, a testiment to your hard work.

I think you can beat this, I really do. PM anytime to chat, <3


Last edited by MissAnonymous : 03-11-2012 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 03-11-2012, 10:14 PM   #36
Cryptic.
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Thank you for your words and support MissA, it's appreciated a lot lot.

I hope I get allowed to do DBT, a chance at least, but I'm not holding my breath, I don't want to be let down again like last time where they suddenly decided I can't do it.;/

I don't think anyone in that unit should be there, whether it's for schizophrenia, psychosis, or whatever. It's a horrid unit. They don't help you there, they make it worse for you. And the patients I spoke to agreed. It's utterly disgraceful. Bleh.

I'll maybe try and talk to her on Tues when we're alone and say I'd rather just see her than my CPN with her. I'm quite surprised how amazing she is. Not many like her in this world, that's for sure. She's really understanding and empathetic.

I will def have a look for the DBT self help website, it sounds of interest and may help me get more of a detailed idea about it. Thank you for that :)

I am very determined to not SH, I think right now I'm not fighting for myself, but I'm fighting for those I love, and some may find that won't be good or whatever in the long run, but right now, it's helping a lot, I'm using the strength that comes from the love I have for those I'm fighting for if that makes sense? I fight for them and it gives me strength to do so.

I understand no one but myself can stop from self harming, that's kind of a given, unless you're restrained or whatever and watched 24 7, but that's part of the hardest part in this, you have to fight it, no one else can fight it...

I guess another major factor in fighting the SH is that I may end up dead next time I do it, so to me, it needs to be cold turkey, I want to be there for my girlfriend, I want to be there for my little Nephew... and I can't if I'm dead. So, again, I'm fighting for them, and that makes things more bearable... I guess.
Despite the fact I...well, do want to hurt myself and harm myself and sometimes die blah blah blah, I have to try for them.

Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Thank you MissA, as always, you're amazing.

xx


Last edited by Cryptic. : 03-11-2012 at 10:24 PM.


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Old 03-11-2012, 10:28 PM   #37
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Hey Sarah,

I'm really proud of you and your fighting spirit. You can do this! It's great to hear you have so many positive reasons not to self harm and that you are able to see how serious the harming is for you. Literally nearly made me cry (in a nice way) when I read that you want to be there for your girlfriend & nephew etc and can't be if you are dead. It's a great reason to stop self harming and I'm glad the reasons are making the urges a little more bearable. It does get easier, I promise.

Congratulations on three weeks free as well, so proud of you chickadee.

I agree very much with you on the acute ward situation and how wrong it is for so many of us to be in there. I guess that's what I was trying to say to you before and couldn't explain very well but yep, that's how I found acute wards and it can be incredibly disheartening to be on them. Still, I'm glad that it helped you to meet your girlfriend!

Sorry I haven't got any advice or anything but I hope some encouragement is helpful xxx

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Old 07-11-2012, 10:24 PM   #38
Cryptic.
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Thank you so much twinnie. It means a lot to me that you care. Thank you.

I'm really exhausted, so gonna try sleeping soon, had an amazing day with my girlfriend, but my moods gone right down, agitated, low, irritated easily, etc, just bleh, but I still haven't self harmed... it's now been 3 weeks and 3 days. I am engaging in other damaging behaviors, but at least I haven't self harmed still???

Psychologist said I'm swapping behaviors, which is common she said.

I'm to consider whether I would be ready to do DBT... I did a thread in MH section, but yeah, I'm struggling with that decision... in two minds about it, and have a lot to think about and pros/cons or whatever, I don't know.

I don't see anyone for 2 weeks... so... that's just, crap.

I really want to hurt myself, but I'm trying not to.

I have reasons to live.
To fight.
To try.
To succeed.
To be here.

Just need to use those as strength to fight back.

Everyone who has supported me through this ordeal and everything, just, thank you so so much... it means so much to me. I appreciate it and am very grateful.

x



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Old 11-11-2012, 07:54 PM   #39
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Hey
Congrats for not self harming in three weeks thats amazing keep it up think of it a game and see how long you can go for and then reward yourself. the best advice i ever got is keep distracting. Take your mind of your current situation. hugs

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