I want to scream that i'm not ok. This smile is not real and i hate faking it. I just want to cry but don't know how. I want to talk to someone, but that would mean i'm being a hassle and i don't want that. I'm not worth some one's time. I want to cut again. Would it really be that bad? I would only do it a little and you wouldn't know. And why should you care. You're too perfect to care. I'll never live up to you.
When one door of happiness closes another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, so, sorry. I never realised the way I made you feel and now I know I hate myself. But I can't tell you. You don't seem to care. I know I have my problems and you pull me through but there's something dividing us and I can't work out what it is. I'm losing you and the person you seem to hate so much. If I can't find out what it is that's making me push everyone away I'm going to end up with no one and I don't think I could bare it without you. Believe me or not I don't care but you're the one person in this world I feel I can tell anything to. When I say things you dont understand it's not because they're about you; I wouldn't do that, I thought you understood that. I don't know what I can do to prove I'm sorry; I dont even know if I want to anymore. I don't know. Maybe it will sort itself out but dont lie to me. Tell me how you feel. You KNOW how I hate liars. I thought we could tell each other anything but sometimes I sit here and know you're holding back and I dont understand why when, no matter how much it hurts, i'll still tell you. I dont think there's anything more I can say.
fuckfuckfuck
i really extremely hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i hate you
i'll come back whenever the fuck i want
and i'll eat whatever the fuck i want
you can't control me damnit!!
i'm nearly 20 for fuck's sake!
this is utterly pathetic
i hate you
i despise you
i want to chop you up into tiny pieces and burn you
get yourself out of your fucking 'zombiefied empty head' and just listen to me for once!
i get it
your head is empty and you feel like a zombie
you've said it enough
but, get this, i don't care anymore!
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
Why do you look at me like that, like I am your pefect girl, like you love me? I don't know if I like it. Sometimes it scares me. I am so far from perfect it's unreal, so how can you look at me with anything other than disgust? I keep trying to convince myself that you are faking it but I can't fiure out what you are getting out of this unless you mean it, unless you love me. I don't understand, but I'm grateful. I love you too. I just don't know if that's enough to keep me here.
'I can always kill myselftomorrow, today I shall look for reason to live. Of course, tomorrow never comes ... '
I enjoy saying no to you. It feels like I'm getting back at you for every time you've made me feel dirty for wanting you. Tease me all you want for wanting you. Talk about how I always want it (which isn't true BTW). Well that's not the case anymore. You heard no today and honestly, I will keep up that response for as long as I can withstand saying it. I don't need it and I certainly don't need you. I love you, but I can't take how worked up I get when my body does whats NATURAL and gets turned on by the person I want to be with more than anything. I can't take how much I mentally beat myself up and how hard I attempt to control my emotions and hide them from you so you don't get the slightest hint that I want you. So you don't get the chance to hurt me more. I can't take bottling it, and the only way I know how to release my anger about it, is doing the same back to you, even if the opportunity only comes around once a month (what kind of male only gets horny once a month!?!?). I know I shouldn't want to punish you, and I'm sorry about it, but its so much easier for me to have none than some. It's so much easier for ME to be saying no than taking your hints that I'm a whore. I feel much more in control of this relationship, and much more okay with not having sex, when I'm the one saying no.
"I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen."
i dont think you know how much i really think of you.
you mean so much to me.
i cry when you tell me how badly your struggling. it hurts so much to see you like this.
please please dont leave me.
I still love you. Am in love with you? I don't know. I don't think so, but maybe there's just that little bit that is?
I don't think I'll ever NOT love you, to be honest. In fact, I know so. I will always want you to be happy and safe and loved.
& i just want you to be okay. that would make me so happy. just to know that you were okay, and happy too.
I actually do have a "how" and a "when"...maybe if you would CARE about me instead of telling me how much of a screw-up I am you would know.
Stop fucking telling me that you would be more than happy to take me to a hospital-but then when I say no you tell me "thank god we don't have to lock her up in loony bin". FUCK YOU.
I love you so much...i dont know if i can live without you.
I need you in my life. Without you I am nothing
You said you still love me..but somethings changed, i dont understand please dont leave me hun, i dont know what i'd do without you
22nd November 2018
"Don't suffer in your silence. Know you are never alone."
I can't even breathe properly. Where do you get off talking like that? Where do you get off attacking other people to get back at us? Why do you think that's okay? So, I'm not religious? Does that really make me such a horrible person? You threw out my things, made me feel like dirt, yelled at me for everything for two years straight, and now that I've removed myself from your overbearing conservative downright mean ignorant influence, you take it out on my friends. Stop it. Just stop it.
*glad I don't have roommates anymore, but apparently they're still frustrating*
Bat your eyes girl, be other worldly...
Count your blessings, seduce a stranger...
What's so wrong with...being happy?
Kudos to those who
see through sickness, yeah.
I love you truly.
please dont leave me hun, i dont know what i'd do without you
