I'm just thinking, because for me, when the voices told me something was going to happen on a specific day and it didn't, that was evidence against them. If nothing happens on your date will that be evidence against there being a program?
Most people disagree. It's fine, they can't see my birth or the expanded reality of the other world or inside my head.
I'm worried about going on Quetiapine because it says it causes weight gain. Also I have a lot of issues around sleep - nightmares every night, hard to get to sleep, paralysis and hearing people in my house, and looking back at a private blog I used to write when I was on Quetiapine before I described it as making me feel like it was putting me to sleep but then it would make noise and scary stuff in my head that would jolt me awake. I know I also had night time hallucinations. I don't need more scary sleep stuff. I have to try it though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Really struggling. I feel like leaving my house and disappearing. Under a train or a car or just lie in a field somewhere and wait to die. Today I want life to be over with. I phoned Duty but the person wasn't helpful, they seemed to just want to end the call. I have closed my blinds and I'm trying to pretend there isn't an outside world but I can hear it. It's a real battle not to go out but I'm trying to stick to my schedule. But what is the point in delaying death since I'll be dead soon anyway? I am so tired of this life. I want this to be the end. Today.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sorry I didn't reply yesterday. I hope you were able to stay safe. I don't have any advice. I would just reiterate that I don't agree with you about the program etc. Please do whatever you need to stay safe - including calling your CPN/Duty.
That's ok. Thank you for checking in today. I had thoughts of not trying the Quetiapine or if it helps and I don't die I will just kill myself anyway because I am so done with life. I feel lower with every day that passes. I have however decided to give the Quetiapine a chance because it might change how I feel about things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Unfortunately but not surprising the GP surgery hasn't managed to sort out my med change today. One day less to get to work. That day less could potentially lead to my death. It's ok. I just hope I die in my sleep but knowing the men they will make it a horrible death.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm used to it. My GP surgery is terrible at most things. If they're not sorted tomorrow I'll see if my CPN will chase it up. But most meds take about 4-6 weeks to be effective right? Are there even 4-6 weeks left in this year? There might be no hope unless the Quetiapine can at least start to disrupt the shutting down of the program. Maybe I'll just get really unwell rather than dying. It's all so unknown and scary. No one sees the urgency in what is happening to me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
No, my meds still haven't been sorted. The lady at the chemist said she will speak to the usual pharmacist tomorrow, it was his day off today, and I will phone my CPN if it's not sorted tomorrow. I spoke to someone on Duty and he said he thinks the Quetiapine will get to work quicker than 4-6 weeks as I'm on a good starting dose and it's being increased quickly. I'm trying to feel some hope but I'm mostly really low and scared.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That's positive, that it will work sooner. Sorry your GP has messed you around, I really hope you do start on Monday and your birthday and Christmas aren't too bad.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 13-12-2024 at 11:31 AM.
Reason: Sp
The thing is. If I start on Monday I won't be on the Quetiapine on my birthday because I don't start it until five days into the change and I'll actually be in a more vulnerable position because I'll be on a reduced dose of Lurasidone. So if the program is due to shut down on my birthday I won't have any protection. I said this to my CPN and he said I thought we were supposed to be thinking more positively. That's easy for him to say.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well...it's hasn't! There has been another delay and they said it will be sorted tomorrow. I'm thinking I may as well just not bother changing meds. It's not going to be a good experience from my past experience of Quetiapine and I don't know how I'll be at first when I'm on reduced Lurasidone and no Quetiapine. It's ok for me to be dead it's just the fear of how it will happen that is getting to me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you for caring and for your support. My friend said remember I have her and the CMHT through this. I'm trying to hold on to that but I'm still alone most of the time, it feels like a very long time. My friend wants to spend some time with me on my birthday. I hope I don't die in front of her. My CPN is glad she will be with me. I'm also grateful that my CPN arranged some sooner appointments than usual so he can see how I'm doing. I saw him today and I'll see him on the 27th and the 2nd before he goes on annual leave. He said I can phone him when he's working or phone Duty. I'm trying so hard not to get worked up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
