Hi, and welcome back. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time right now. It's really great though that you
recognize you need help and are brave enough to reach out for it.
'Cause I'm dumb - does EDU stand for eating disorder unit, or am I totally off? Because maybe they're reluctant to give you help because maybe they think the SI, panic, OCD, disassociation, anxiety, and depression are more issues now than the eating disorder? I'm not very familiar with eating disorder therapy, so I don't know if they're only required to help you with the eating disorder and not the related issues. Still, I think it's very reasonable (and I'd think
common) for your weight to be getting back to normal, but for you to still be really struggling with it. It's like when someone's trying to end an addiction - just because they don't do whatever it was they were doing before doesn't mean they might not still really struggle at times. They really should be providing you with the help you need - have you asked directly? I should be
proud that you're asking and more than willing to help you, if they're doing their jobs right.
As far as the SI, I
completely understand, as I'm more or less in your shoes in terms of that right now. Several weeks ago I made my deepest cut yet - although I didn't
mean for it to be that severe - and since then I've been scared yet tempted to do it again. So now I'm both scared of
and dependent upon SI. But anyway, I definitely understand the desire to push it further, I've heard it's kind of like with drugs where you need to keep taking more to get the same effect. But I'm
so glad you know this is dangerous and that you're trying to find other ways to cope. If you haven't already, definitely check out the distractions page here on RYL. There's a lot of options to choose from that can help you calm down enough to stay safe.
As for what I did, I threw out the tool I used that time I cut deep, and got myself some 'safer' ones. Yes, no tool is really 'safe,' but since I'm not quite ready to throw out all my tools yet (although that
is the
best thing to do), it's better to have the less dangerous tools than none at all, because then I'm be less tempted to seek more dangerous ones, as I already have the other ones with me. Of course, another option is to give your tools to the people helping you recover if you think you can do that.
With both the eating disorder and the SI, the
most important thing is to develop healthy coping mechanisms to replace them - other things you can do to help yourself deal with complicated emotions without harming yourself. Once you have some of those in place, it will be so much easier to stop restricting and SI'ing. So instead of focusing solely on just stopping these unhealthy behaviors, also focus on replacing them with healthy ones. I'm still far from recovered, but this perspective has definitely helped me make the SI less frequent.
I'm so glad you reached out, and I hope you continue to reach out to your support sources and letting them know how difficult things are for you right now. I'm sure that someone will understand your struggles and give you the help you need.
Don't give up, dear <3
