Dealing with a break up.

[Arienette]

I broke up with my partner yesterday. We'd been together for 8 years. She says she doesn't want to be friends - which is hard to accept but I know I neeed to respect her decision.

She's not a bad person- so no bashing here. She's really is very wonderful, things between us kept getting very difficult with little getting better in between.

I've never been through a real break up before. I feel very sad and want to cry a lot - which I assume is normal.

I'm trying to throw myself into my social activities and did park run this morning wh a friend from my housing. It helped me to feel good about myself.

Overall my self esteem has taken a knock and has been knocked for a while now from the relationship.

Mainly through severe invalidation and criticisms (like characters criticisms) I tried addressing it in the relationship a lot but it never eased or got better. And she would be very defensive and justify these behaviours - which is ultimately why I needed the relationship.

It's very hard because she's the only person in the world who got me. And before her I never felt genuinely connected to anyone. This is making it hard because I'm getting all the "I'll never connect with anyone ever again" and the "no one will love me ever bc I'm a pain the arse and my mh issues"

And that I'm a difficult person to get along with.

I am having doubts about my decision but I do think it was the best one in the end.

Anyone have any advice for managing this period of time?

I've been using prn to stop myself acting out on target behaviours. I just feel a bit lost.

[Pi.R^2]

Heya,

Sorry to hear that you're going through a break up. Even when it's initiated by you it can be such a confusing and emotional time, especially when you're having some doubts.

My best advice is to give yourself some space to heal and to think and to move forward. Do things that you love to do, spend time with people who are mainly your friends, not hers and work out who you are now, because I suspect you're a very different person to the 8 years younger version of you that you were the last time you were single! It's great that you've been getting out and doing things like the park run, I hope that keeping doing things like that will gradually start to repair your self esteem a bit.

Perhaps after some time she may feel like she's ready to be friends and if at that point you think you'd like that too then maybe it would be OK to give it a go.

I can understand feeling like there will never be another person who you connect with in that way, but I imagine before her you perhaps thought that too until she came along? Maybe it will be very soon and maybe it will be a long time but I'm confident that someone will come along and make you realise that there's more than one person in the world who gets you after all! When I ended my last relationship (which was significantly shorter than yours!), I was quite convinced I would be on my own forever, and in fact I was quite certain that that was what I wanted as well. People move on at different rates and for me it did take me a long time to even consider being with anyone else, but after I'd had time on my own, working out who I really was as an independent person separate from my ex, along came my current partner who I've connected with in a way that I never would have thought possible. tl;dr, time is a great healer. Give yourself time before you start worrying about whether you made the right decision, if you can ever be friends, if you can ever move on.

[Arienette]

Thanks for you advice. That's really helpful.

I'm definitely in the "no one else will ever love me " and the "I'm an awful meaningless person" camp at the moment.

I think time is exactly as you say- I hope so anyway.

I'm focusing on my sport and studies and cooking etc

- my eating has slipped but I think it's probably just slightly lost appetite. I'll give it 2-3 weeks to return before I start forcing myself to reach a decent calorie limit and just let myself process everything. And cry when I need to.

I also have a mammoth sewing project which will help pass the time and loneliness. I felt lonely inthe relationship for a while but I feeel much more lonely right now.

I have friends but yeah, it's a big loss and I'm feeling it.

[Pi.R^2]

Yeah, I promise that camp isn't as a permanent a residence as it may seem!

It sounds like you're being really really sensible about this all, so well done. That sounds like a good plan to keep an eye on the eating for now before really forcing yourself to keep your intake up. Maybe in the meantime make sure you've got tasty food available so you can take advantage of times when you do feel more hungry.

A sewing project sounds fab; what are you making?

[Arienette]

Yeah I have loads of tasty snacks and stufff in. I just love snacks.

I'm sewing chalk bags for climbing to hopefully make money towards my marathon fundraiser.

:)

That's really giving me a "things are worth keeping on keeping on" vibe, which is really welcome right now.

[Pi.R^2]

Sounds fab!! And good luck with your marathon :)

I hope things start to feel a bit more ok in the next few days and weeks.

[Arienette]

Thanks

One of the hardest things at the moment is being accused of being heartless and cold bc I haven't tried to kill myseld or self harm in response to the situation - which I would have done in the past.

I'm managing to do a few things int he day then I'm letting myself have the evening for music and chill and frequent crying/wailing spells of grief.

I'm treatinfthe process like a grieving process. It will take time.

Also friend is minding my prn so I don't overdo it with them bc they help a bit too much sometimes

[Pi.R^2]

Well that's ridiculous. Who is accusing you of that? It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means you're in a better place to previously and are trying really hard to cope with this healthily!

That sounds like a really really positive way to manage things; the right balance between allowing yourself to be really sad and making sure you don't get completely sucked in by it.

Having a friend mind your PRN is also a great idea.

[Arienette]

Quote:

Well that's ridiculous. Who is accusing you of that? It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means you're in a better place to previously and are trying really hard to cope with this healthily

She said it. She was angry I think.

We were going to meet to exchange stuff but I feel like o need to stay home to Tay safe and go out for exercise things.

My eating has gone out the window. I spoke to my dad I remember his eating went all over when mum left so I've been asking his advice.

I am more out of PRN until next Monday - so we'll seee how this goes. Might try and but promethazine as a back up. It's helping me manage my sadness without acting on target behaviours.

I'm giving myself 2 weeks top of less structured time, wavy eating patterns, and all other grief related symptoms before I'm strict on getting it back under control to avoid any form of relapse wth food, sleep, everything.

Bc all that stuff is such a fragile balance between. Me being well or unwell.

And crying spells. I'm only fighting them when I'm in public then I shoot off home and wail it out. So I'm not suppressing emotion I don't think which is a massive step for me.

I've also started smoking roll ups again but I just buy bit of tonaccco from friends so I don't have to buy the whopper pouch that's now minimum because that will get me smoking constantly again. Trying to keep it temporary but letting myself grieve and be a bit all over to an extent.

My support worker is being lovely. I really like her now we've worked together for a few years. I can talk to her about everything and she seeem me well, very unwell and very unwell on dofferent ways so hopefully knows warning signs to pick me up on.

And I'm gonna ask staff to knock on at 10/10:30 each day to make sure I get out of bed. Staying in bed is never good territory for me.

I actually think I may manage this without a crisis. *fingers crossed*

- the fact I haven't already shows massive improvement in my mh anyway and I'm feeling a bit proud for managing to keep myself safe and now self harm.

[Pi.R^2]

I guess people say stuff that they don't mean when angry but that's still an awful thing to say. I hope you know it's not at all fair or accurate?

Do you think she'd be ok with waiting a little bit before you exchange stuff?

I hope your dad can offer some useful advice. Maybe making some plans to eat with others sometimes would help keep food from slipping too far. I don't know if maybe something could be sorted out by the staff to get some shared meals happening.

Your plans all sounds really sensible. Is there anyone who could give you a nudge in two weeks in case you're tempted to not be quite as strict as you planned?

I'm glad you are feeling a bit proud, you deserve to feel very proud!

[Arienette]

My friend who lives here always cooks a lot for her and her boyfriend. She's been nagging me with plates of food and sending me home with them - which has helped bc it makes sure so eat a healthy meal when she does that. (She cooks super healthy and tasty food)

I'm going to ask staff.

I'm out of proper PRN but that might be helpful bc I've been sleeping so much ive been getting confused about days.

I messaged her and said I wasn't ready to meet yet. She said she's come here then said she wasn't so maybe she's not ready yet either. I think time will help here.

I have promethazine - so that's all I have. It could be a blessing in disguise to stop me abusing my PRN which is a potential with me and that one.

I can't get anymore too mpnday so maybe this time will prove I don't neeed to know myself out to function.

X

[Pi.R^2]

She sounds like a good friend! I'm glad it's helped :)

Hmm, I can see the benefit of it helping you not abuse PRN but do you have a plan for if you feel really unsafe and would really need some help to stay safe?