I put off posting for a few days but I guess I just want some support, I feel awful.
I feel like I am hungry all the time [Im hungry now, but Ive eaten way more than Im okay with, and probably enough too!]. I have gained several lbs recently and they have stuck for the last few days. I don't think its a fluctuation.
I know laxitives don't work in terms of calories, so I don't really want to take them. I know they just make you loose water weight and cos I really don't need uncontrollable diarrhoea cos I have so many things I have to do. I want to take diuretics. I know I shouldn't because I might have a bladder infection at the moment but at least they will make the scales go down. I am so desperate.
I hate how much I have gained. I feel so incredibly stuck that I am not loosing. I am embarrassed about my weight gain and it makes me want to go into hiding.
It sounds horrible, I know I'm horrible, but I keep cursing at the fact I have to have food in the house for my partner. I know its horrible to think like this but, I miss when I had no responsibilities and I could starve and cut and exercise till I was incapable of doing anything else. I miss that self harming aspect I guess?
I guess I really am selfish and nasty, but I cant help how I feel- or can I?
I'm so glad you managed to post for support, you deserve to have all the support you can right now. Although, I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult :( *hugs*
I'm glad you realize laxatives don't work, and really try your best to avoid taking them. But along with that, please try to avoid the diuretics as well. They can be very dangerous, as they can cause dehydration and problems with your potassium levels. Besides that, any weight you lose with them will only be water weight. And on top of that, you're tiny. You do NOT need to lose any weight. And I repeat myself, do NOT need to lose any weight.
I know how awful it feels to gain weight, but honestly, lovely, nobody but you probably even notices it. I still think you look as tiny as ever, and I'm sure everybody else does. Maybe you could try writing things about yourself that you like? Like a list of positive reinforcements about yourself? If you have trouble with that, I'm always willing to share the good things I think about you :).
You don't sound horrible either, just like you're struggling a lot. I often feel the same way, I wish I lived by myself and didn't have to have food around me all the time. But logically, you know these thought patterns aren't right. They don't make you horrible or selfish or nasty, they make you a person who is struggling. There's a huge difference between the two. Please keep fighting, I know you can get through this. Try thinking about all the good things that can come with recovery?
I love you lots & I'm always here if you need somebody.
*cuddles*
As RainbowStripes has said, it is a positive force within you that is keeping you away from laxatives.
The fact that you realise your thoughts of wanting to take drastic measures to lower your weight are bad is a good thing. You should never feel selfish for wanting help to recover.
Hiding from the problem will only ever make things worse, and while it might seem like a solution, I am certain that deep down you know it is not, and that you want to get better.
Stay strong,
x
Zero's truth is not based on who is within.
It is the actions that measure the man.
Thankyou for the articulate kind replies. I havent taken any laxitives and I am glad about that. I know they would only do what diuretics do, but with the added side effect of nasty diarrhoea.
It seems that whatever I do I cant react normally. I weighed myself again and have lost a third of what I had previously gained so I ended up restricting for breakfast and planning on continuing that all day.
When I gain weight I seem to think **** it and binge and when I loose I seem to think, see you can do it, just do it faster/better/more next time.
I had a very very big disappointment recently with regard to support and I am now feeling very hopeless and thinking maybe Im not supposed to have help, it always gets taken from me before it even begins so maybe Im supposed to get on with it alone. Afterall its not a big problem, and its my own doing so why be so selfish.
I just want to loose x stone. Im scared I cant do this anymore. Absolutely freaking terrified. I feel like if I cant loose weight, my life may as well be over. And yes, I know that sounds crazy, but I still keep thinking it.
*Cuddles*
Hun, losing weight won't help things. You'll never be satisfied despite how much you drop.
Restriction just leads to overeating, your body is starved & that's why you eat alot after restricting.
I get stuck in a vicious cycle of restriction then binging..
I'm happy you realise that laxatives&diuretics are no good, and don't work at all..
You can live a happy life beyond your ED, don't let it control you.
Life ISN'T about weight. Life is about happiness, family, achievements & more.
Erm, no, no support right now. I went to see a councellor for a first appointment and it went so far tits up because she didnt speak clear english and her vocab was so incredibly limited for someone who's trade requires excellent comunication skills!
I know diuretics dont work [in loosing fat] but they do make she scales go down and I am guilty of sometimes taking them. I just dont see the point in lax when you can take diuretics and not have the runs.
I dont know when I am next booked to see my GP, but I know I have an appointment booked for sometime in the next week. I am awaiting a referal to a hospital dietician, but I know that they may not see me because its the result of a mental health condition, not a physical one and where I live, pass the buck is commonly used to deny responsibility to treat. I cannot go under MH services because I have before and they let me down and have told me there is no treatment for me. I was looking at a private dietician, but it is so expensive I am unsure as to if we can afford it.
Im sorry this is a ramble, I have a headache. I just want to go back to bed.
Im sorry.
I could have practically wrote this. I know exactly how you feel.
I've just got married and have been living with my husband for a year and although I'm happy with him and love him,, sometimes I wish that for just half an hour I could back to my little box room at my parents and self-harm and feel everything I used to.
Sometimes I think if I could,, then I wouldn't be feeling like this all of time,, like I'm going to explode.
You aren't selfish sweetie. You wish you don't have all of the food in the house but the point is you do,, for your partner. That isn't selfish. That's unselfish.
I really think you need some kind of treatment,,
Maybe you could see your GP again and let him know how bad things are.
Maybe he could hurry things along or find you alternative support in the meantime.
xxx
Well content loves the silence, It thrives in the dark, With fine winding tendrils,That strangle the heart,
They say that promises sweeten the blow, But I don't need them, No, I don't need them...
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